


Everything you can't control

by Slytherinbarbz



Series: The price we pay to feel [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Depression, Developing Friendships, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Gryffindor & Slytherin Inter-House Friendships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jealousy, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Non-con mentioned in chapter 21, Obsessive Behavior, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining, Possessive Behavior, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 61,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24476128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slytherinbarbz/pseuds/Slytherinbarbz
Summary: Hermione was powerful and determined. She liked control and perfection. So much so, that it started eating away at her. Draco was angry. At the world, at himself. He was in pain and liked to ease it. Eventually, it made him numb.Both had issues. Different, but so familiar. They were both trying to upkeep a facade, the lie that everything was okay. They had to keep it from their friends, their teachers, families. All that pressure sometimes just gets too much.-In which Hermione develops an eating disorder and Draco deals with his own fair share of mental health issues and trauma. Set in the fifth year of Hogwarts. Will they find solace in each other? Can a group project bring them together?
Relationships: Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger/Viktor Krum (past)
Series: The price we pay to feel [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1914289
Comments: 33
Kudos: 125





	1. Control.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm meaner than my demons  
> I'm bigger than these bones  
> Who is in control?

Hermione was once dubbed the brightest witch of her age. She was never one to conform to the norms and expectations of those around her. She made her own legacy. People would call her all kinds of names for her smarts. They were jealous and Hermione knew it. They didn’t have to be, though. What a lot of people misunderstood, was that Hermione wasn’t born naturally smart. She didn’t just know everything. It’s not like it all came to her easily. She wasn’t born with brains like Einsteins, but she was born with the determination of Stephen King. She  _ made _ herself the brightest witch of herself.

It was hard work and sheer determination that got her where she was. She was proud of herself. Her parents were proud of her. It was a lot of pressure. Sometimes she hated herself for being this way, because she knew if she even let loose for one second, everything would come crashing down.

Hermione always gave everything her all. Ever since her first year at hogwarts. Naturally though, things became harder and suddenly her all wasn’t enough. The first thing to go was what little social life she had. Then what little effort she put into her looks. Then went her sleep and with that her sanity. Her poor mental health resulted in mood swings and personality changes. Her friends brushed it off and kept doing so even when it became noticeable to people outside their inner circle. It’s not that they didn’t care, it’s that they didn’t understand. 

How could they? Hermione didn’t blame them. It was complicated. She barely understood herself. She didn’t even notice herself changing until her parents pointed it out in an argument that sent her thinking of how she used to be and what a mess she was now. 

She tried to fix it. She needed a coping mechanism. She tried so many things. She got a stash of comfort food, but she only found out she was a stress eater. She didn’t have the time to read books for fun anymore. She took up drawing, but she was too much of a perfectionist not to put all her effort into making every drawing perfect. It was just another stress factor and not so much a reliever.

Hermione ended up settling on running. The endorphins that her brain released were enough to keep her sane. Sure, there was still the voice at the back of her head telling her that if she was going to do something, she better be the best. She had to be fast. She had to be fit. 

The dopamine, the rush, came with a price. But Hermione felt it was worth it when she weighed out the pros and cons. The only con was her unquenchable thirst for perfection, which she would have to endure either way. But the pros were immeasurable. It was an escape from all her other responsibilities, it was a drug, it was a way she could take care of herself and her body. She was killing dozens of birds with one stone. 

Her friends started noticing she was acting nicer, like a shadow of the girl she was when they first met. After all, biology dictated her new self. It was a fact that exercising made you a more pleasant person. But then again, it might’ve just been a placebo.

  
  


Draco would’ve been dubbed the brightest wizard of his age if it weren’t for the curse of his name. Sure, others would argue that he shouldn’t complain. Anything he could ever want, he could buy. He was richer than most of the people on earth and he was spoiled. But Draco didn’t want anything money could buy. He wanted freedom and unfortunately for him, that was priceless.

He lived in the shadows of his ancestors, trapped by the Malfoy name. People didn’t see him for his smarts or natural talents. They just saw him as evil. He was praised for his fathers’ achievements and deeds, and ridiculed for them too. 

More than anything, Draco was angry. Angry and envious. Envious that others could live in the glory of riches, but still be free. Draco would never be free. His whole life has been planned out for him. No decision was his, and his alone. Even the little things like drinking and sleeping around were expected of him. Not that it stopped his father from lashing out at him for it.

Draco’s relationship with his parents was strained. His father was always strict and never satisfied. Lucius Malfoy treated his son like a pet. He used his son like a political stepping stone when it came out in his favor. People love family values nowadays, but it was always just a show, a facade. 

Draco resented Lucius for this. All the photo-ops and interviews in which Lucius raved about his son were a lie. At home, Draco would always be a disappointment. But he could never complain, because his father was a good enough liar that no one would ever question his role as a parent.

Draco inherited his father's short temper. Although it was less violent. The amount of times Lucius would take out his anger on Draco’s face was astonishing. 

His mother, Narcissa, was made so little by Lucius over the years, that she couldn’t do anything but watch as her husband beat her son to a pulp. 

Fortunately, the beatings lessened as Draco grew older. It seemed something clicked in Lucius. He knew his son’s voice only became stronger as he got older. Draco had the power to tear down all that Lucius had worked for. The business deals, their image.

The physical pain stopped, but Draco would mentally never recover. His heart still stopped every time his father called for him, even if it was just to inform him of their vacation plans. Every time Draco heard his father’s voice, he was scared. With his fear, grew his anger.

Narcissa was a caring mother. Always tending to Draco’s wounds. Always asking him about his day and school. She was curious about his friends and hobbies. Draco was always too scared to go against his father or lash out at him. He was silenced by the elder Malfoy. So he took his anger out on her. She didn’t deserve it and he knew it. He loved his mother he truly did, but it was so hard for him not to lash out every chance he got.

Draco hated himself for it. With his anger only growing, he took it out on his peers, but mostly on himself. He didn’t take care of himself like he should’ve. He went out often, slept with countless girls and would forget their existence the next day. He would wear his clothes to bed, and show up in the same clothes at school when he woke up, not bothering to change. If his name weren’t so well known, you would’ve thought he were poor.

  
  


In the end, the anger Draco felt was all about control, and the determination Hermione felt was all about control. The pair were different in so many ways, but the same in one: their thirst for control.


	2. 04:23

“‘Mione? Hermione?” Harry called out to his friend, but she didn’t respond to him. He had to softly shake her to get her attention.

“What?!” She angrily snapped at him. She was so focused on doing her homework she didn’t even notice Harry’s presence. Her books were scattered around the large table, not leaving any space for others. Her hair was up in a messy bun and her clothes were disheveled.

“You missed dinner,” Harry frowned. “I got worried.” 

“Oh, I must’ve lost track of time.” Had she really been in the library for 5 hours straight? She didn’t even notice the time pass.

“The library is closing soon. You should go get some rest. Or we can go to the kitchen and ask for some food. You must be hungry.” He offered. He started picking up and closing a few of Hermione’s books.

“What are you doing? I’m not done yet!” Hermione exclaimed as she grabbed her books out of Harry’s hands. She instantly scowled at herself for being so short with him. He was just being a good friend. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap like that. Let me just finish up here. I’ll be up in half an hour.”

“Okay. Just don’t take too long.” Harry agreed warily. He kissed her forehead and slightly squeezed her shoulder. Hermione’s eyes watched him leave the library. 

She rubbed her eyes and suddenly the tiredness hit her. She tried to get her focus back on her essay but just couldn’t. She needed to go for a run to clear her head. She’d feel more awake after. Maybe she could focus then.

Hermione glanced at the clock and cursed. The library would close in half an hour. She didn’t have time to run and get back here. She quickly packed her things and went to her room to drop them off. She proceeded to change into a pair of leggings and a sports bra. Soon, it would be curfew but if she cleared her head before it started, she could pull an all nighter.

Instead of being filled with energy as she had predicted, the run only tired her out more. Her breath was ragged and heartbeat uneven. She suddenly felt a pang of dizziness and nausea hit her and was desperate for something to hold onto. Quickly, she took in her surroundings, searching for a wall. The trees of the forest were closest to her so she jogged over there. Well, it was more of a stumble.

The tree was only a few meters away but it felt like she was climbing over mountains to get to it. Finally she got there and just slouched against it, letting herself drop to the ground. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there. She completely forgot about curfew.  _ Fuck _ She cursed at herself. It must’ve been passed curfew already. Anxiety filled her chest. She knew she should’ve just gotten up right then and there. The later it got, the more trouble she’d face. She put her head in her hands and furrowed her brows. She started thinking about all the possible case scenarios. She wondered how much detention she’d get. What if this put her out of the running for Head Girl? 

Hermione’s breathing started to speed up, much like her heart. Soon, she found herself gasping for air in between sobs. She was mumbling all kinds of curses to herself as her self hatred grew.

“You know, it’s not proper for girls to use such foul language.” A voice condescendingly stated. Hermione looked up to see a tall, blurry figure standing in front of her. She blinked a couple times and saw that the figure was Draco Malfoy. 

Instantly she scoffed and wiped her tears. “Fuck off.” She started to get up, but the familiar dizziness greeted her. She stumbled, almost falling. Draco acted on instinct and grabbed her, holding her up straight. It took awhile for Hermione to catch her breath and steady herself. Her polite self thanked him.

“Don’t get used to it, Granger. What are you moping around here for?” He asked her, a familiar sneer coming on his face. Hermione rolled her eyes and started walking away from him. “It’s passed curfew, you know. You’re going to get caught if you walk right through the main building. And get me caught by default.”

“Well how do you suppose I get to the dorms, then?” Hermione said, annoyance dripping in her voice.

“I have my ways.” Draco said warily. Hermione looked at him for a second and thought about it. He was just looking out for himself. He thought she would snitch on him if she got caught.

“Well lead the way then.” Hermione said impatiently.

“Not so fast. What’s in it for me?” Typical Malfoy. Always looking out for himself.

“Besides not getting caught yourself?” Hermione asked him. He just nodded in an obvious way so Hermione just rolled her eyes. “I’ll owe you one.”

“You’ll owe me one?” Draco scoffed. “Please, Granger, I’ll need something more than just an empty promise.”

“First of all, you don’t  _ need _ anything. Your daddy will buy you anything you want. Second, count your blessings. Me owing you one is probably the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

“If you say so, Granger.” He turned around and walked into the forest. “Are you coming?”

Hermione followed him into the forbidden forest cautiously. She knew she wasn’t supposed to be here, and if she were caught she’d be in more trouble than she would’ve been for just breaking curfew. She should’ve weighed out her options beforehand. She silently cursed herself once more for acting so rash.

Draco didn’t seem to notice anything. He led her to a tree that was hollowed out from the inside. He started climbing in, but Hermione stood still, brows furrowed. Draco rolled his eyes. “You won’t make it through the tunnels without me Granger. I would like to cash in my favor in the future. No good to me if you get lost and die. Get in.”

“You’re a real asshole, you know.” Hermione scoffed as she followed him in the tree, which indeed led through tunnels.

“Only to you.” 

He led her through the tunnels in silence. Apparently, he knew them inside out. It was probably hard work to memorize the maze. Hermione admired him for it, even though she knew she shouldn’t have. If only he put this much work into his academics. 

They reached a wall that Draco was able to push open. It led straight into the Gryffindor common rooms, which wasn’t even supposed to be possible

“This is your stop, Granger.” Draco told her as he motioned inside with his head. “Try not to get caught on the way to your room.” Hermione rolled her eyes and got out of the tunnel. She turned around to thank Draco but the wall was already closed, and he was gone.

She got to her room, where she saw that Ginny was already asleep. Hermione quickly changed into her pajamas but didn’t plan on sleeping. She had her mind set on finishing her essay for Transfiguration, which she managed to do within just a few hours.

Once she finished a calm washed over her. Still sitting up, she closed her eyes for a minute and took deep breaths. She felt content and proud. 

Her moment of peace came to an end when suddenly her stomach growled. She forgot to stop by the kitchen to grab some supper. She hadn’t eaten in hours. That must’ve been why she felt so weak in the forest. Hermione didn’t have any food stashed away in her room. She knew Ron probably had a bunch. Her eyes traveled to the clock. 04:23. It was too late to wake him up. That would be selfish. Besides, breakfast would be in a couple hours anyway.

Reluctantly, she got into bed and pulled the covers over her. As soon as her head hit the pillow, the tiredness hit her too. Instantly, she fell into a deep dreamless sleep.


	3. Slytherin partner up

“Partner up! Make groups of 4.” 

Harry’s eyes darted through the room, searching for a mess of a ginger and a brunette birds nest. He spotted Ron and made his way to him. Naturally, they were going to partner up. They both frowned when they realized the third part of their trio was absent from class. That wasn’t like Hermione. While Harry grew a bit worried about the girl, Ron grew worried about what Hermione’s absence would mean for their grade. After all, she was the one who did most of the work and checked theirs when they were done. The pair ended up forming a group with Neville and Seamus.

Hermione burst into the room. Her hair was a mess, her face looked tired and clothes looked slept in. She slept right through her alarm and breakfast after another late night spent studying. Hurriedly, she rushed to her friends. She knew they would be working on a group project today and naturally figured they would work together.

“Hermione! Where were you?” Harry asked when he noticed her presence. 

“I overslept.” She quickly explained and brushed it off. “So for the project we need to-”

“‘Mione, we already made a group.” Ron said awkwardly. “You weren’t here so we kind of had to…”

“Seriously?” Hermione exclaimed. “Oh, the betrayal.” She mocked sarcastically. A very small part of her was angry, but she pushed it down. The rational part understood they had to pair up with someone else.

Her eyes analyzed the rest of the room. Her other friends had also already paired up. There was only one trio left in the room, and it was a bunch of Slytherins. Hermione groaned at the thought of having to work with them the whole semester, knowing that somehow she’d have to do all the work, simply because they were too incompetant to do anything correctly. Her need for perfection would force her to rewrite anything they had to say.

Reluctantly, she approached the group. It consisted of Slytherins finest: Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, and the one and only, Draco Malfoy. Hermione plopped her books down on the table. Instantly, a frown appeared on Pansy’s face.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with dumb and dumber?” Pansy said, crossing her arms against her chest.

“They already have a group and yours is the only one left. Believe me, I don’t want to be here either.” Hermione retorted.

Pansy scoffed. “They got tired of you already?”

“I was late. Now can we start working?” Hermione brushed Pansy’s remarks straight off, knowing she only wanted a reaction out of her.

“Hermione Granger? Later? My my, must be the end of the world.” Pansy taunted further. Hermione silently thanked god when Blaise stepped in.

“Pansy, knock it off. I need a good grade so can you stop acting like a child?”

“Whatever.” Pansy sighed in response.

“Okay, so, since I’m guessing no one is keen on working together, I suggest we split up the workload-” Hermione continued, but was cut off.

“Who died and made you boss?” Draco, who had been silent up until this point, said.

“Malfoy, this is a very rare occasion that you get to work with me, Hogwarts’ best and brightest student. I suggest you stop being so juvenile and just listen to me, because I know I’m your only shot at a good grade. Shut up and take advantage. I mean unless  _ you’re _ top of your class and think you can do better than me?” Hermione wasn’t exactly the most confident person alive, but when it came to her grades she could be very cocky and controlling. Harry and Ron had gotten used to it. After all that Hermione had done for them, they really couldn’t complain.

“Granger, get off your high horse-” Draco started angrily.

“Draco, enough. She’s right. She’s the smartest and we should do whatever she says.” Blaise came to her rescue once more. Sometimes Hermione wondered how Blaise ended up a Slytherin. He was always kind and well-mannered. When his friends would drop Hermione’s books, he would always scold them and help her pick up her books. He was never prejudiced against her for her blood type and didn’t approve of others doing so either.

“Thank you. So as I was saying, we should split the workload into 2: the research from books and the research from going out and searching for rare ingredients for real-life analysis-”

“Going out? And risk my manicure? No thanks. Blaise and I can do the library shit, you and Draco can go out into the wild.”

“Excuse me? I’m not doing anything with Granger. Blaise is  _ my _ friend, so-” Draco started. Hermione was slightly hurt that the idea of having to spend time with her was so awful that Draco physically cringed.

“Well I’ve known him longer so I win.” Pansy retorted back. It was true. The Parkinson and Zabini families were very close and even had neighbouring manors. Pansy and Blaise grew up together, although they’ve never really seen eye-to-eye on a lot of things so there was never a strong friendship outside of mandatory family events.

“Do I have a say in this?” Blaise asked as he snickered, seeing the humor in the situation.

“No!” Draco and Pansy said in unison.

“Stop fighting! If you hate me that much,  _ I’ll _ go with Blaise and you two children can pair up together.” Hermione half-yelled. This only sparked more debate between Draco and Pansy about not wanting to work together either.

“We can let a  _ mudblood _ tell us what to do!” Pansy screamed out in the heat of the moment. It shut everyone up. Ron overheard and started making his way to their table, anger all over his face. Hermione appreciated his protectiveness, but she didn’t need it.

“You’re a bloody bitch, Parkinson. Do you even-” Ron started defending her but Hermione stopped him. She put her hand on his chest and gently pushed him back.

“Ron, it’s okay.”

“The fuck it is! ‘Mione she can’t speak to you-” 

“Ron, truly, it’s okay. It’s just a word. It doesn’t have to mean anything. It sure doesn’t to me. It’s just Pansy trying to get a rise out of you. Leave it, I’ll be fine.” Hermione reasoned with him.

“We can switch groups if you’d like.” Ron offered. Hermione smiled at him and was thankful she had such caring friends.

“Don’t be silly. We’ve already started working. It’s just one assignment. I’m fine.” Hermione assured him. After sending the Slytherins a glare that could kill, he walked back to his group.

“You shouldn’t have said that, Pansy.” Blaise said disapprovingly after an uncomfortably long silence. Pansy rolled her eyes. Draco didn’t say a thing, which Hermione took note of. She’d expected him to at least tell her she was ‘too sensitive’. “I’ll work with Hermione. You and Draco can work together. There’s no debate.”

Pansy had expected her fate. She and Draco made their way to the library, while Blaise and Hermione were going to go to the outskirts of the Hogwarts gardens. They stopped by her room first, since it was quite chilly outside. Blaise didn’t mind. Hermione wasn’t actually supposed to let anyone from a different house into the Gryffindor dorms, but she figured she could trust Blaise.

As they entered the room she shared with Ginny, Blaise analyzed their room. Ginny’s side wasn’t really decorated much. A few family pictures, but that was it. Hermione’s side was the complete opposite. She had installed extra bookshelves on every inch of spare wall. Blaise took a closer look at the titles. He barely recognized any of them. The one's he did were all school-related and he was pretty well educated. His mother made sure to make him read every classic. He figured the books were muggle one's.

“Did you bring all your muggle books here?” He asked, wondering why she would bring so many with her to school. Surely she didn’t have enough time to read all of them. 

“Just my favorite one's.” Hermione replied.

“How do you have the time? Or are they just for decor?” 

“Why on earth would I use books as a decoration? I re-read every single one of those books each semester.” As Hermione said this she realized it's what she used to do. She hasn’t read a single book this semester. She started to feel a familiar pit in her stomach.

“That’s admirable. My mother would certainly think so.” Blaise mentioned carefully. Hermione shifted awkwardly, desperately wanting the topic to shift away from her.

“Why do you do that?” She asked him.

“Do what?” Blaise said with genuine confusion.

“Treat me like a human being.” Hermione’s curiosity got the better of her. She avoided asking, fearing that it would make him realize he should be meaner to her.

“My mother raised me right. I’m sorry to say my friends haven’t had the same privilege.” Blaise stated. “People will judge you for things you have absolutely no control over. It’s pathetic. It’s not your fault you were born to muggles. I think the whole idea of prejudice is preposterous. There’s no reason for it.” 

It dawned upon Hermione that Blaise was probably no stranger to prejudice himself. Although racism was less apparent in the wizarding world, it was still present in subtle ways. 

Almost as if he was reading her mind, Blaise continued. “You think we’re the same because I’m black and you’re muggleborn? We’re not. We’re the same because I’m gay and you’re muggleborn.”

Blaise and Hermione made eye contact. “Thank you, Blaise. For trusting me.” Hermione was truly touched. She had no idea what possessed Blaise to come out to her, but she was glad he did. “And just so you know, I support you and I will pull an  _ Avada Kedavra _ if anyone ever gives you grief about it.”

Blaise cracked a small, soft smile. “Thanks ‘Mia. It’s not a secret, though. I’ve just never outright said it before I guess. You’re the first, apart from my mom, of course.”

“Your mom, how did she react?”

“I was 8 when I told her. She was an angel. She told me not to ever be ashamed and that she just wanted me to be happy. Her fourth husband had different thoughts about it. She killed-  _ allegedly _ killed him for it.” Blaise and Hermione both chuckled. She knew murder wasn’t a joking matter, but she couldn’t help it. “She’s the angel of death, but angel no less.”

After that moment, Hermione and Blaise grew closer. Combined with the time they had to spend together for their project, a beautiful friendship blossomed. They greeted each other in the hallways, talked on their way to meals, and even started studying together in the library. Blaise started getting even more defensive against his friends when they teased her. Harry and Ron started to notice their friendship. Ron, as always, was wary of the Slytherin, but Harry always knew Blaise was a good person. He was glad the two were slowly breaking the rivalry between the houses, setting an example for others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? I know it seems like I'm really downplaying eating disorders, but Hermione's issues will develop slowly, because that's how it usually is yk. i'm also writing her journey in a different light than what is usually shown in tvshows, movies, books etc. Obviously an ED isn't always about looks but that's how it's projected in a lot of the shows about them so this fic will be different.  
> I love and appreciate comments/ tips. Thanks for reading!


	4. Hogsmeade

“‘Mia!” Hermione heard a voice call out. Instantly, she knew it was the Slytherin boy she recently befriended. He was the only one to call her that. She turned around as he reached her.

“Do you want to go to Hogsmeade this weekend?” He asked her cheerfully.

“I don’t know… I have a ton of homework.” Hermione said warily. Lately it felt as if everything was getting too much. Blaise noticed small differences in her demeanor. The way she dressed, the way she acted, the way she looked. Her under eye bags were practically permanent at this point. She always looked worn out and tired. If it weren’t for all the loose hoodies she’d been wearing in an attempt to keep herself warm, Blaise would’ve noticed the amount of weight she’d lost.

“I can help you with your work! I promise you’ll have time to spare.”

“Okay.” Hermione agreed reluctantly.

The anxiety in her chest started growing over the next few days. Her mind was so focused on school and her grades, she was forgetting meals more and more. She knew Blaise’s word was good and he would help her finish everything on time, but she hated being dependent on someone else, so she spent every waking moment on her schoolwork. Though her focus had been lacking and she couldn’t put her finger on why. She blamed it on the fact that she hadn’t had time to go on a run. She figured she could go for one after her trip to Hogsmeade.

Her Gryffindor friends hadn’t been helping with her stress levels. Ron was constantly nagging on her for apparently replacing her friends with Blaise, which wasn’t true at all. It’s just that Blaise had similar academic goals as Hermione, so they coincidentally studied together all the time.

Harry would talk to her after Ron would lash out, comforting her. He was glad she was going out of her comfort zone and socializing with other houses. He was kind of proud of her. Harry knew that Hermione wasn’t the easiest person to get along with and that she wasn’t the best in social situations. He didn’t care who she was spending time with, as long as it was making her happy.

Harry had also noticed changes in Hermione. She was snappier and meaner than usual, but figured she was her same old happy self when she was around Blaise. 

Saturday came around soon enough. Hermione woke up early to get in some work before her trip to Hogsmeade. Harry and Ron both said they couldn’t come. Nobody reminded her to go to breakfast. She lost track of time and was already late for the time she said she’d meet Blaise.

Hermione quickly pulled a hoodie over her turtleneck, getting cold already and she wasn’t even outside. She wore warm boots and grabbed a thick coat, which wrapped snugly around her.

She rushed outside to the meeting spot. She saw Blaise’s head waiting impatiently for her. As she got closer she realized he wasn’t alone. Her heart dropped. He was with Draco and Pansy.

“There you are!” He said as he pulled the stunned girl into a hug.

“This is who you were waiting for?” Pansy shrieked.

“Believe me I’m not jumping up and down either.” Hermione retorted dryly as she looked to Blaise for an explanation.

“You’re always fighting and I can’t take it anymore. This is a bonding trip and you can't do anything about it.” Before anyone could protest further, Blaise shut them up. “I wasn’t asking. You don’t have a choice.”

There was no point in fighting it so the group just followed Blaise, the Slytherins of the group muttering under their breaths. Hermione shrugged it off. They were overeating and acting like children. Of course Hermione understood the prejudice against muggle borns was put into their heads since birth, but Draco and Pansy really overdid it. It wasn’t possible for them to have such a disgust towards her over something so subtle as bloodstatus. If Hermione hadn’t ever mentioned it herself in the first year, they wouldn’t even have known.

The way to Hogsmeade was mostly spent in silence, with Blaise occasionally dropping some random facts in an attempt to lighten the mood. Walking through all the stores made Hermione slightly uncomfortable. Blaise, Pansy and Draco were buying everything they set their eyes on. She was by no means poor; she lived in the fanciest parts of the suburbs outside London. Her parents owned multiple dentistries across the U.K. and she overall had a pretty comfortable life, but it was nothing compared to how lavishly pureblood wizards lived.

After a couple hours of walking around, Blaise stated he was hungry. Hermione was so up in her anxiety about being around Pansy and Draco, she completely forgot she missed breakfast. Then it dawned on her that she had missed dinner last night too. It had been happening more and more lately, but Hermione didn’t seem to notice how often it really happened.

They were on their way to The Three Broomsticks, when a new store suddenly caught the attention of Pansy.

“Oh!” She squealed. “I  _ need _ to go in there. Lunch can wait.”

“No it can’t. We can go there later. I’m starving.” Draco snarled at her with annoyance.

“Oh, please. We won’t have time after. It’ll just be a few minutes.”

“It’s never just a few minutes with you, Pansy. We’re all starving.” Draco shot a look at Hermione and Blaise for support, who both nodded in agreement.

“That’s so rich coming from you. If you wanted to go into a store, you’d make everyone wait hours for you, but you’re too damn selfish to wait a couple minutes for me!”

“I’m selfish? Pansy do you hear yourself? Never in my life have I met someone more insufferable than you. You’re entitled, conceited and you have an ego that size of my manor! Hell, Granger’s more tolerable than you!” Hermione didn’t know if she should take that as a compliment or an insult, but figured it was the closest to a compliment she would ever get for Draco.

“Unbelievable! How  _ dare _ you compare  _ me _ to that mudblood filth. Merlin, you fucking blood traitor-”

“You bitch, how dare  _ you _ -”

“Enough!” Hermione stepped in. The hunger was catching up with her emotions. She felt cranky and wanted to get some food as soon as possible. “Pansy get the fuck over it. So what if I’m muggle born? How in the fuck does that personally affect you? We bleed the same blood, we’re both imperfect and human. Do you even have a legitimate reason for hating muggles? You think you’re so much better than them, but has any wizard ever been in space? Or on the moon? Does any wizard know how human bodies and organs look and work? There’s so much more to muggles than you think, you could see it if you weren’t so thick headed. You’re full of shit. Get the fuck off your high horse and let’s go fucking eat!” Hermione practically screamed at her, attracting attention from other people walking on the street.

Hermione was usually quiet and reserved. Nobody had been expecting such a reaction from her. It stunned Pansy and Draco into silence. Blaise was looking at her wide eyed. 

After a few moments the shock had passed and Pansy huffed, turned on her heel, and walked into the store anyway.

Before Draco could react in wany anger, Blaise came to save the day, again. “Why don’t you two head to the Three Broomsticks. I’ll go calm her down. We’ll catch up with you later.”

Draco grunted in response and Hermione offered up a small smile before he disappeared behind the door. Normally, Draco would protest against being left alone with Hermione, but he didn’t feel like getting into it right now. Especially not with her new found rage.

They started walking in silence. There was an awkward dinamis between the two, neither daring to acknowledge the other's presence. Both of them were fine with it before Hermione broke the tension by abruptly grabbing Draco’s arm.

“What the fu-” Draco started to recoil, but stopped after he saw her face. “Granger?” Hermione’s face looked pale and her eyes were fluttering, trying to stay open. Her strong grip on his arm loosened to the point that her hand was resting on his arm. “Hermione?” Draco said softer, brows furrowed.

Hermione underestimated the energy it would take her to scream at Pansy like that, unleashing all her bottled up anger that had piled up over the years. The fatigue really hit her as well as dizziness. Out of instinct, she grabbed onto Draco to steady herself. Silently, she groaned at the fact that this has been the second time she had leaned on Draco.

“I’m fine, I just- I missed dinner yesterday and breakfast this morning. I don’t feel great.”

Draco frowned. “Well let’s get to Broomsticks then.”

They made it to the pub in a few minutes. Draco subconsciously walked slightly closer to Hermione for the rest of the short walk, just in case she would faint. It was just an instinct for Draco. He wasn’t actively protecting Hermione- he didn’t care what would happen to her, but his alpha intuition was in his nature.

They sat down at a table and ordered. As soon as they came in Draco dropped his last name, hinting a good tip if he was served fast. For once, Hermione was grateful it was him who she was with, knowing she couldn’t have waited much longer.

She dug into her food the second it reached the table. Draco looked at her carefully as she ravaged through her burger. “Why didn’t you have dinner or breakfast?”

“I lost track of time.” She managed to get out in between bites. Draco noted that when he saw other girls eat like that it wasn’t nearly as charming as when Hermione did it. He quickly put the thought out of his mind. She was a  _ mudblood _ . Everything she did should disgust him.  _ Should _ .

“There are enough people who are lucky enough to eat one meal a week, and you’re just skipping them?” Draco said with a snark in his voice.

“I’m not skipping them, I just forgot 2 meals. It’s not a big deal. Besides, when did you find a fuck to give about others?”

“I don’t. I just think it’s entitled and selfish of you.” Draco said without even batting an eye. His hypocrisy sparked anger in Hermione. 

“Why you-” Hermione was about to go off on Draco but was interrupted by a chair being pulled up to their table. Blaise and Pansy.

“Children, stop the bickering.” Blaise said as he picked up a menu. Pansy also sat down with an all too familiar sneer on her face. “We’re switching partners. Me and Pans and you two.”

“What?! NO!” Hermione exclaimed.

“If you think I’m going to work with Granger you must be completely barmy!” Draco recoiled.

“Would either of you rather work with Pansy?” Blaise asked knowingly. Both Draco and Hermione pursed their lips. Hermione huffed and picked up a fry. Draco ate the rest of his meal angrily. It was mostly silent, apart from Blaise’s pointless blabbing.

When the check came Draco took care of it, even paying for Hermione. Pansy made a crew comment about how he shouldn’t be paying for a  _ mudblood _ , but Draco chalked it up to being easier than splitting the cost.

The trip back to Hogwarts was uneventful. The group discussed how they were going to deal with the new working arrangements. It posed a few new scheduling problems for them, but Hermione worked it out for them. She volunteered to do the extra work that was needed, simultaneously dragging Draco into it. He cursed her eternally for it, but had to go along with it, not wanting to face Mcgonagall’s wrath. He dreaded the idea of spending 3 nights a week with Granger after dinner, having to take all her snide remarks. Not that Hermione was looking forward to it either.


	5. mudblood

Currently, Hermione and Draco were in the library working together on their project. This was the third night in a row they were spending together. Both of them were really focused, but it was broken by Hermione’s stomach grumbling. Her face got red from embarrassment.

“Damn it, Granger. That was louder than a werewolf’s growl.” Draco commented with a frown.

“I guess I forgot dinner again.” Hermione explained absentmindedly.

“Forgotten? Again? For allegedly being the brightest witch of our age, you really aren’t that attentive.” Draco sneered.

“It doesn’t matter. Can you leave it now? I’m trying to focus.” Hermione scowled back.

“Well I can’t focus if you keep howling like that.” Draco exclaimed. Hermione rolled her eyes, not planning to do anything about it, so Draco huffed and pulled out his wand. With chanting anything, he whipped up a sandwich and held it towards Hermione, who shot him a confused look. She realized it was for her and her face softened with a small smile.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t get used to it. I just need to focus.” Draco muttered, getting back to his work.

They stayed there for another while, concentrating on their work. They worked pretty well together. Draco actually let her work, instead of interrupting her all the time like her other friends did. She worked better with him than even Blaise, who’s grades were almost as good as hers. She loved Blaise, but every time she furrowed her brow or let out an angry huff, he’d butt in and ask her what was wrong. It annoyed her relentlessly. But studying with someone who hated you was easy, ‘cause nobody would initiate unnecessary conversations.

Right in the prime of her focus she was interrupted by a loud bang on the table. It was her two best friends slamming their book in the seats next to her. The librarian shushed them as they sheepishly smiled.

“‘Mione we haven’t seen you in so long.” Harry exclaimed.

“You’re spending all your time with Malfoy.” Ron complained.

“Guess she realised you weren’t much for company.” Draco muttered.

“What’s that, Malfoy?” Ron clenched his jaw. Hermione knew the two easily got on each other's nerves and she’d have to mitigate the situation.

“Guys, can you sit somewhere else? We really need to work on this.” Hermione said sweetly.

“Are you mad at us?” Harry asked.

“What? No! Why would you ask that?” 

“You haven’t been spending any time with us, as if you’re avoiding us. You’ve even been eating meals alone! What did we do?” Ron explained.

“Nothing! Have you known me to ever hold my tongue? I would tell you if you fucked up. I’ve just been really busy with school.” Hermione said. She started feeling guilty for neglecting her friends like that. The pit in her stomach started weighing her down again. “I’m sorry.”

Before either of the boys could reply Draco stopped them. “Are you done? Can we get back to work?”

Ron ignored him. “Come on, ‘Mione. Ditch this bloke for one night and come to the common room to hang.”

“I can’t. I’ll try on the weekend, okay?”

“We’ve got quidditch then. Please, ‘Mione. Just one night.” Ron pleaded.

“No.” Hermione was starting to get agitated. No means no. Why couldn’t Ron just understand that she was busy?”

Draco, who had been holding back his usual snarkiness, finally spoke up. “Granger, if your two idiot friends aren’t going to leave, I suggest we find a different place to finish.”

“Why are you so keen on working with her, Malfoy? Didn’t you hate her?” Ron grunted angrily.

“The sooner we finish, the sooner we can stop spending every night of the week together.” Draco explained, annoyed. “Why? Are you jealous you’re not spending your nights with Granger?” He said with a familiar smirk.

“Motherfucker don’t you even  _ think _ about her that way! Fucking creep. I will bludger-” Ron started threatening Draco, anger and heat rising. He didn’t see Hermione as anything more than a friend, she was like his sister. And just like with Ginny, he got very protective over her.

“Did I strike a nerve, Weasel?”

“Enough! Stop acting like goddamn children. Ronald, I told you I had to work on school. Respect that! Harry, I’m sorry you feel like I’m avoiding you. I’ll make it up to you. I promise, but not now.” Then she turned to Draco. “Now if you’ll excuse me, Draco and I will go work elsewhere!” She grabbed her books and stormed out of the library. Draco followed after her, but not before whispering in Ron’s ear. “I guess we know who she prefers.”

Draco wasn’t actually interested in Hermione. He just liked getting on Ron’s nerves.

“Where do you suppose we go?” Draco asked Hermione.

“I don’t know. We can’t go to my room. We’ll probably pass my friends who won’t shut up about it for weeks.” Even though there was a rule against houses coming into each others’ common rooms, let alone up to individual rooms, not a lot of Hogwarts students followed it. It wasn’t just couples; sometimes there just wasn’t another place to go study.

“We can go to my room. Prepare for a few hexes, though.” They would have to pass the Slytherin common rooms, but no one would dare make fun of Draco for it. In his own way, he owned the house.

They got to the Slytherin entrance. Draco made Hermione put her fingers in her ears when he said the password. Hermione retorted with some comment about not needing it anyways because she would never be here otherwise.

There were a few people in the common room. Almost all looked over at Hermione. None dared to speak up against Draco, except one. Miles Bletchley. He was one of the older kids.

“My my. Are you so desperate you made a mudblood your new whore?” Hermione was about to utter a smart remark but Draco beat her to it.

“At least I’m getting some. Can’t say the same for you. Not after Abigail finally revealed the truth about you small member.” Abigail was Miles’s ex-girlfriend. It was a nasty break-up that was followed with a bunch of rumors about Miles’s poor performance in bed. Hermione was offended that Draco would even insinuate they were sleeping together. It would spark rumors that wouldn’t die down for weeks.

“Oh please. The mudblood would spread her legs for anyone.” Miles retorted.

“Motherfucker, my standards are too high for any of you lot. Ferret here included.” Hermione shot both of them down as she continued up the stairs to Draco’s room.

Draco had his own private room, just as big as the rooms 3 people shared together. Hermione figured it was because his dad bought it for him.

After a brief, lazy exchanging of words about the events downstairs, they both settled down and started working. Hermione on the floor, Draco on his bed. Surprisingly enough he offered her his bed (his mother raised him right it seemed), but she refused, stating she was more comfortable on the ground. 

After a while it was almost curfew. Hermione wouldn’t even have noticed, if it weren’t for the slight commotion outside Draco’s door: more and more students were heading for their dorm rooms.

“I guess I better go. It’s almost curfew.” Hermione said as she closed a book.

“Typical Granger, always following the rules.” Draco muttered.

“Honestly that’s so played out. Everybody follows curfew. Don’t act like you’re out all night every night.” Hermione had grown tired of everyone always calling her a ‘good girl’.

“Damn, guess the Gryffindor princess had claws. And you don’t know what I do at night.”

“Kissing daddy’s ass?” Hermione retorted. She didn’t think anything of it. She and Malfoy always fought like that, but they were always meaningless insults and petty fights. Her comment set off Malfoy completely. His light and playful demeanor changed completely. He clenched his jaw and got off the bed.

“Don’t be so smug  _ mudblood _ ,” Hermione was stunned when Draco uttered the familiar word out of his mouth. Sure, she heard the insult at least once a day, but Draco had stopped using that as an insult. Hermione didn’t even notice he stopped until he said it just now, because it sounded so foreign in his voice.

Draco looked at the look on Hermione’s face. “What? Had you forgotten your place in the world?” He sneered at her, etching slightly closer to her.

“I know exactly what my place is and it will always be above yours. I don’t need a rich father to feed off, I will and already am making my own legacy.” Hermione retorted, believing every word she was saying.

“Your own legacy? Please, nothing you do is yours. You will always be known as Potter’s bitch.” Draco spat at her. His words were so cruel and vile. Hermione wasn’t expecting such a reaction at all.

“At least I will always be someone. Who the fuck are you, Malfoy? What have  _ you _ ever achieved? Exept being the richest fuck up known to man. Your adventures aren’t a secret at all. Always drinking away your youth, whoring-” Before Hermione continued the squealed out, surprised at her own voice. She hadn’t realized how close Malfoy had gotten to her, or that he had her up against a wall, a wall that now had a fist-sized hole in it, inches from her face.

The punch scared her; stopped her from finishing her sentence. Her breath was ragged and tears that were filled with fear were prickling her eyes, daring to fall. She started shaking slightly as she looked Draco dead in the eye.

Draco was seeing red, before he saw the fear in Hermione’s eyes. She thought he was actually going to hurt her. He was brought back down to reality and started feeling regret. Hermione was going to get him in a lot of trouble, the news would make its way towards his father. He cursed himself. He also felt a pang of guilt. Draco knew his reputation, but he mostly talk and no game, and Draco knew it. His threats were never violent. He didn’t want it that way either. His parents taught him it wasn’t something people of their stature did. Violence was for the poor.

The pair stood there, faces almost touching, both not daring to move. Draco’s jaw was clenched tight as he looked into Hermione’s wet eyes. He saw the tears forming. He never meant to scare her like that. He slowly pulled his fist out of the wall, face still close to Hermione’s. He stood there looking at her, fist still raised.

Not a good look for when Blaise stormed in. “Draco, you’ll never guess- what the fuck?” Blaise quickly made it toward the two and shoved Draco back, who still didn’t break eye contact with Hermione. “‘Mia? Are you okay? Did he hurt you?” Blaise asked with concern in his eyes. Hermione was still in shock and didn’t answer him. Blaise took her lack of an answer, as an answer. He turned around to Draco, anger rising in his chest and started cursing him and hexing him.

Hermione snapped out of it and quickly gathered her books and ran out of the room, barely able to keep her sob in; the sob didn’t miss Draco’s ears. 

She made it out of the Slytherin common room, tears running down her face while she left. It sparked a new topic to talk about for the Slytherin students. Hermione wasn’t even crying because she was hurt or upset, it was the sheer surprise of Draco’s violence. She knew she shouldn’t be crying about it, but she just couldn’t help it.

She finally got to the Gryffindor common room. The moment she entered all eyes went to her, apparently her sobs weren’t as well masked as she thought. Her two best friends sat on the couch, looking at her with concern. All the anger the redhead felt towards her from the previous fight washed away and was replaced with protectiveness and rage directed at whoever dared make his best friend cry.

“What happened?” Ron and Harry asked in unison. Hermione’s hand, that was at her mouth trying to stop the sobs earlier, dropped down. She tried to explain, but nobody could make out any words that came out of her mouth. 

Harry rushed towards her and wrapped her in a tight hug, chin resting on her head. Ron made it over to her as well, grabbing her book bag out of her hands and slinging it over his shoulder.

Hermione felt Harry’s jaw clench as he realised who had made her cry. “What did that ferret do?” He asked sternly. Ron’s face changed as he realized Harry was talking about Draco.

Hermione didn’t answer but instead continued sobbing into Harry’s shoulder. Once she was all cried out she looked up. She didn’t even notice that her friends got her to the couch and Ron was now rubbing comforting circles on her back. “What happened?” Harry asked softly.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Hermione said emotionless.

“Did he- did he  _ touch _ you?” Ron asked, voice strained.

“No!” Hermione refuted. “It’s nothing. Let’s talk tomorrow.”

“Do you want to stay in our room? I have an old cot I can take; you can take my bed.” Harry offered, knowing not to pressure her into talking. Hermione silently nodded into his shoulder.

They went to the boys’ room and Hermione borrowed an old T-shirt of Harry’s that she practically drowned in. The short sleeves reached past her elbows, and the hem past her knees. She never really noticed how much Harry had grown over the years. It all became apparent now. It was all so surreal.

Soon enough they all fell asleep. Ron dreamed of quidditch, Harry dreamed of flying and Hermione didn’t dream at all.


	6. Troll

The next day at breakfast the boys started questioning Hermione again. Hermione had some time to think about it in the morning and decided to really down play the situation. It didn’t change the fact that she still had to work with Draco, which would be so much harder if he got into a fight with her friends.

“It was nothing really. I was just overreacting. All my feelings bottled up and that was just the last straw. It was a petty, little fight. Nothing out of the ordinary.” Hermione brushed it off.

“‘Mione, those tears were not out of the ordinary.” Ron stated, not believing Hermione’s lie. Harry ate it right up.

“Like I said, it was a lot of things over the past year that just bottled up. Nothing to do with him. Rather embarrassing actually.” Hermione said casually as she started putting food on her plate.

“You’d tell us if something were wrong, right?” Harry asked.

“Of course.” Hermione said with a smile. Her eyes moved across the room and made eye contact with the silver haired Slytherin boy. She couldn’t read his expression. He had his usual cold and emotionless exterior, but something in his eyes was different. Maybe it was guilt, or regret? Hermione put the thought out of her head. It was Draco Malfoy, he didn’t care for anyone but himself. He probably hadn’t given Hermione a second thought.

Hermione sighed, knowing her breakfast was now ruined. She shoved her plate forward, food still untouched. Harry frowned.

“Hermione you didn’t touch a thing on your plate.” He noted to her.

“I lost my appetite.” Hermione grunted. She knew the questioning wouldn’t stop so she started getting out of her chair. Harry softly grabbed her arm, about to ask her why she was leaving, but she beat him to it. “I’m off to the ladies room.” It was a small lie, she wasn’t even planning on coming back, but she couldn’t bear having to face Draco for the rest of breakfast.

Hermione left the Great Hall, but her efforts were for nothing. The Slytherin prince followed her out of the room. She was walking away with determination. He caught up to her and grabbed her wrist, not violently, with just enough pressure to halt her. She flinched, the act didn’t escape Draco’s mind. He sombered a bit, being reminded of his father.

“Granger,” He said, swallowing his pride. “I apologize if I scared you.” Blaise gave him a stern talking to the previous night, saying he had to learn to control his anger. Blaise knew Draco could easily lose his temper surrounding certain subjects, but it was no excuse. Until he apologized to Hermione and she had forgiven him, Blaise wouldn’t be talking to her.

“If?!” Hermione exclaimed, ripping her hand out of his loose grip. “You can take your half-assed apology Blaise bullied you into giving, and shove it up your ass.”

Draco couldn’t help but grin at her comment. He liked their little squabbles. Hermione’s insults were usually creative and quite amusing. He teased her because he enjoyed, not her pain, but her humor. “Only if you get that stick out of yours.” He retorted, to which Hermione rolled her eyes and started walking away. “No, wait. I’m sorry and I mean it. I’m not just saying it.”

Hermione looked him in the eye, carefully analyzing him. She could usually tell if someone was lying pretty easily, but when it came to Malfoy it was hit or miss. She thought about it and although it wasn’t the most heartfelt apology, it was the best she was going to get from Draco. “Okay, but we’re not studying in your room ever again.” And with that she walked away from him.

“Wait, Granger!”

“What now?” She said slightly annoyed. She’d already accepted his apology, what more could he want?

“Here.” He held out a breakfast muffin. It shocked Hermione completely. “You left without eating. Because of me I reckon. You shouldn’t skip meals on my account.” Before she could reply to him he walked away, feeling slightly lighter than before.

They didn’t mention his kind gesture or the incident in his room again. It’s like they both forgot about it, even though it was all either of them could think about it. They went back to their routine, studying in the library. Ron and Harry didn’t bother them again after the first time.

Hermione made good on her promise to them about spending more time with them. She started helping them out with their homework again, and even coming to their quidditch games. Granted, she wasn’t watching them play the game, she was doing her homework in the stands.

She had to incorporate her social life back into her schedule, which was proven to be quite difficult. Now, she barely even slept on weekends, which used to be her only moments of peace. She was barely staying awake in classes, her focus was lacking when she studied, and she kept making stupid rookie mistakes in her work. Her teachers started pointing it out. It piled up her anxiety, and she started having regular panic attacks. She was very good at hiding them though. If she were a muggle, she would’ve made a great actress. Nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary.

Right now she was sitting in the library, staring into space. Her thoughts weren’t on her work, but some place else entirely. All her worst nightmares were spiraling in her mind. Flunking out of Hogwarts, being kicked out for being muggle born, her mind being erased of the wizarding world. It suddenly became hard to breathe.

“Granger?!” Draco exclaimed. He had been calling her name for a full minute already.

“Hm?” Hermione said, not opening her mouth. She turned to him.

“Why are you breathing like that? It’s quite distracting.” He complained. Hermione hadn’t even noticed attention being attracted to her. She focused on her breathing and tried to stop ,but she realized what was happening, another panic attack. 

Her brows furrowed, still not having said a word to Draco. “Granger? What is it? Have you eaten?” This comment only made it worse. Hermione realized she hadn’t eaten a real meal since Saturday morning, and it was Sunday evening now. Dinner had already passed. She started feeling the tears prickle her eyes.

Without looking at Malfoy she packed her things and swiftly made it out of the library. She ran to the closest bathroom. Lucky for her it was empty. There, she rode out her panic attack. After a good half hour of hiding in the stalls, she went out and quickly splashed some water on her face.

Looking at the clock and seeing it was almost curfew, she went to her room. Not bothering to change her clothes or brush her teeth, she climbed into bed and fell asleep almost instantly.

When she woke up, the room was empty. Ginny was already gone. Then it dawned upon Hermione: she overslept. Sadly, it wasn’t the first time, but it was the first time it had been so late. First period was already almost over. 

While she quickly grabbed her things, she silently cursed Ginny for not waking her up. She saved time on getting ready, since she never got out of her clothes in the first place. 

She checked her schedule and groaned. Her first class was DADA from Snape. He would have her head. Dreading the confrontation, she made her way into class. She knocked on the door and peered inside. All the heads turned to her.

“Miss Granger, how nice of you to finally grace us with your presence.” Snape said sarcastically. Hermione opened her mouth to apologize, but was stopped by Snape’s hand. “30 points off Gryffindor.” Hermione paled. Her friends would nag on her all week! “And not to mention the troll you’re getting. Now sit down.”

That word scared the living hell out of Hermione. “Troll? Sir, what do you mean?” She asked warily.

“You were supposed to hand in your paper at the beginning of class. Seeing as you only joined us 5 minutes before class ended, you missed the deadline.”

“Professor, you can’t do that! I’ve got the essay right here,” She reached into her bag, but Snape stopped her.

“Rules are rules, miss Granger. You missed the deadline, now you must reap the consequences. Now, I suggest you hold your tongue before I give you detention.”

Hermione sat down in silence. She felt sick to her stomach. It was her first grade below Excellent she had ever gotten. What’s worse was that it was a troll! She had worked so hard on her essay, all for nothing.

She was unbelievably upset. Tears were threatening to fall, her throat closed up, nausea taking over her. She wanted to scream and throw up. Her self hatred was circling her every thought.

Soon enough the bell rang. Hermione practically flew out of the classroom up to her room. She threw her bag on the ground and started hyperventilating. She had never felt such a strong emotion of disgust for anything, much less herself, in her life. She screamed out, knowing no one was around to hear it. She didn’t know what to do with all the emotions she had. There was so much anger. She picked up her wand and pointed it at one of her bookshelves. She threw it across the room, muggle books flying everywhere. She picked one up, of mice and men, and ripped it open. “Fucking worthless piece of shit!” She cried out as she did it.  _ It’s only a distraction. All these books are a distraction! _

It wasn’t enough. She knew she couldn’t break Ginny's things. She could barely afford them as it is. Hermione ran her fingers through her knotty hair and started pulling. She pulled so hard her hair started coming out in clumps.

After a while of pacing around screaming, she dropped to the ground. The burst of energy drained her completely. She realized she hadn’t eaten in two days.  _ It’s a waste of food anyways. I don’t deserve it _ . She thought to herself as silent tears fell from her face.

Slowly, she made it to her bed where she curled up into a ball. She knew she had to clean up the mess before Ginny came, but she didn’t have the energy.

Hermione was overwhelmed with tiredness, but was too numb to close her eyes and fall asleep. She laid there, not moving, tears streaming down to her pillow, wishing she could close her eyes.


	7. Human again

Draco was sitting angrily in the library, waiting for Hermione. After running out on him the previous night without an excuse, leaving him with a mountain of work, she was standing him up today too.

He wondered if it was revenge. Maybe she was still mad at him for what happened in his room. He felt guilty for it. People always talked about his father and he was always being compared to him, but his worst nightmare was being anything like him. Sure, he always used his father as an excuse for everything, but just because that was easy. In reality he hated his father.

He hated that he flinched every time Lucius came into the room. He hated the anxiety he felt when he heard his father’s voice. He hated himself for looking so much like his father. Every time he looked into a mirror, he saw Lucius. At times after a few drinks, he’d break mirrors over it.

He hated that his father made him hate himself.

Violence had always been Lucius’s strong suit. Not with business partners that screwed him over, not with friends that stabbed his back. It wasn’t ‘classy’ to be violent with people like that, but as long as it was kept in the family, it was okay.

Lucius had always had a twisted mind. Draco thought back to the one time when he was 7 and his father taught him all about dark objects. How illegal they were, how bad they were, how Draco should never be  _ caught _ with them. The speech scared Draco half to death, but it didn’t prepare him for what came next: his father brought him into a room filled with dark objects. He made Draco touch them, explore them. It scared Draco, of course. After some resistance he complied, but it didn’t stop his father from punishing him later on for his cowardice. 

From an early age Draco was taught to be sly, and hurt people in subtle ways. At first his innocent child mind resented the idea, but there was no other option but to comply. With time the guilt faded away, but never when it came to the elves.

His father forced him to physically harm the elves and treat them like they weren’t living beings. Draco felt horrible and sick every time he would kick Dobby, but feared being the one kicked more.

When Draco was 11 he snuck into his father’s study and found a bottle of brown liquid. It smelled and tasted disgusting, but Draco drank it all anyway. He felt so much better. The guilt faded away, the pain was gone, he felt  _ happy _ . Or what he imagined happy to mean, anyway.

He woke up feeling like absolute crap, but he thought it was worth the feeling of euphoria that came along with it. When he tried to sit up, he realized it wasn’t just the hangover that made him feel so dreadful, but he was black and blue as well. His father didn’t take him being drunk too well, and beat him senseless in his far-from-sober state. Draco didn’t even notice. He was numb to the pain. That brown bottle of liquid was his key to ease the pain.

  
  


Draco shook his head, trying to get the image of his father out of his head. The bottled up anger and childhood trauma settled itself into anger towards Hermione for not showing up. Draco decided to go give her a piece of his mind. He made his way to the Slytherin common rooms and climbed into the tunnels. He headed for the Gryffindor commons rooms. Before he entered he held his ear to the wall, making sure no one would see him. 

When the coast was clear he headed for Hermione’s room. With his anger he slammed open the door, but the sight he saw washed away his anger completely: Her room was a complete mess. He saw ripped open muggle books on her ground, broken bookshelves, and even what he thought was a clump of Hermione’s frizzy hair.

His eyes traveled to her bed, where he saw her small, frail body lying there. Her eyes were staring out in front of her, at nothing in particular. It was like his presence didn’t even resinate in her. Her face was stained with tears, one still falling out of her eye.

Carefully, Draco approached her. He stood right in front of her, but her eyes still didn’t focus on him. Softly, he whispers, “Gra- Hermione?” She didn’t respond. He crouched down so that they were on eye level. Gently, he brought his thumb to the side of her face and wiped the single tear. This seemed to catch Hermione’s attention. She didn’t say anything, but closed her eyes so hard she scrunched her whole face. She took a deep shaky breath and pulled the covers up higher, to her neck. She still didn’t acknowledge Draco.

The Slytherin boy did a complete 180° in his mannerism. The sight of Hermione reminded him of his mother, who went through a long period of crippling depression. She wouldn’t get out of bed for days, she didn’t shower, she didn’t even talk to Draco for over 3 weeks. Draco loved his mother deeply and seeing her in that state broke him. Seeing Hermione in such an eerily similar state, broke his cold walls as he softened, wanting nothing more than to make her feel better.

Draco knew better than to ask what happened. He knew that maybe nothing even happened. That was certainly the case with his mother. One day she was fine, the next he found her uncontrollably sobbing. Instead he asked her something else. “When was the last time you ate, Hermione?” Hermione was still unresponsive. “I’m going to go get you some food.”

While Draco was out getting her food his mind was racing. He couldn’t believe nobody noticed any signs. Hermione had been stressed out of her mind, she hadn’t been eating, she had become meaner. It dawned upon him that she had a panic attack yesterday in the library. That’s why she left. He cursed himself; his mother had them all the time.

Then he realized he should’ve been angry at Ron and Harry, for not noticing Hermione’s shift in mood. They spent every waking moment together. How could they not notice? And then there was Blaise, who usually noticed the smallest details. But Draco brushed it off. He shouldn’t Blame Blaise. Hermione wasn’t his best friend. He wasn’t responsible for her, the two Gryffidnor dolts were.

Draco came back into Hermione’s room, with soup and a loaf of bread. Hermione was still lying there the way he left her. He put the food down on the nightstand and gently took Hermione and put her in an upright position. This made her slowly snap out of her state.

“I got you soup. Eat!” Draco ordered, but no venom was present in his voice. Just concern.

“Don’t waste it on me.” Hermione blurted out, almost as if she forgot Draco was there.

“Granger, don’t talk like that. Eat it before I force it down your throat.” Draco threatened. Hermione complied, taking the bowl off her counter and sipped on it, blowing once in a while. Draco watched her eat with concern plastered all over his face. When she was done he handed her the loaf of bread.

“I’m full.” Hermione lied. Draco didn’t fall for it.

“Really? When was the last time you ate anything? Don’t lie to me, Hermione.” Draco asked sternly, looking into her eyes. Hermione thought about it, honestly not remembering. When she did shame overtook her. She knew Draco would see right through her lies. “Tell me!”

“Saturday.” Hermione said as she looked down in shame, swallowing the self hatred.

“Merlin,” Draco muttered under his breath. “Breakfast, lunch or dinner?” 

“Does it matter?” Hermione tried.

“It does. Answer me!” Draco pleaded.

“Breakfast.” Hermione said in such a small voice it was barely audible.

“For fucks sake,” Draco muttered. “Eat the loaf! I’m taking you to Pomfrey after.”

“No! Draco, you can’t do that. I’m fine-” Hermione started freaking out.

“Fine? Hermione, you’re not eating, you’re having panic attacks, trashing your room-” 

“Draco, stop it! It’s not like you even care.” Hermione screamed. “Just go!”

“Will you shut your damn mouth for a second, Granger. I don’t want you to  _ die _ and that is exactly what’s going to happen if you keep this up!”

“Please, you’ve told me to die in a hole countless times!” When Hermione screamed this at him, something shifted in Draco. Had he really been that horrible to her, that she actually believed he wanted her dead? He always thought it was just harmless teasing.

“You think I actually  _ want _ you dead?” Draco asked in a small voice, dripping with pain. The guilt in his expression set Hermione aback. She was almost convinced he was actually concerned. A similar guilt set in Hermione, rendering her speechless. 

Draco took her silence as a ‘yes’. He broke their eye contact and headed for the door, but not before looking back at Hermione one last time. “Eat the bread.  _ Please _ .” 

Hermione was out of breath from just screaming at Draco. She guessed the best thing to do was to just eat, considering such a small act made her need to catch her breath. As she ate the bread, slowly, she thought about Draco. The look on his face was  _ haunting _ . She didn’t believe he actively wanted her to die, it took a special sort of hatred to want that, but she did think he wouldn't mind.

After she finally had some food in her, she was thinking straight. She cleaned up her room and took a long hot shower. Afterwards, she got dressed and headed to dinner. She couldn’t help but look at the Slytherin table. Her heart slightly wavered when she noted Draco’s absence, though she refused to admit that was the reason why.

The soup and bread filled her up enough that she was making sense again, but it also made her appetite rave. She ate more than she had the whole past week. It made her feel human again.


	8. drunk

Hermione started eating normally again for a few days, but after one missed meal she easily slipped back into her old habits. She barely even noticed. 

Her interactions with Draco were limited and awkward. He refused to make eye contact with her. Imagine her surprise when he walked into the library towards her, holding his hand behind his back.

“You weren’t at dinner. You haven’t been in a while.” He placed a take-out container and a fork in front of her. Hermione looked at it with confusion on her face.

“What’s this?” She asked, putting down her pen.

“Food. Eat.” Hermione had expected him to leave after that, but instead he pulled up a chair. “Granger, I don’t want you to die. I’m sorry I made you feel like I did.” Draco said genuinely. After their talk, he did a lot of thinking. All the memories that involved Hermione over the years flooded his mind. He realized she had never done anything to harm him, except punch him that one time, which he felt he deserved. He had hexed her time after time, said horrible things to her, and taunted her for years, but she hadn’t done anything that compared to that. There were the occasional snarky comebacks, but that’s what they were.  _ Comebacks _ , retorts to what  _ he _ said.

She even wouldn’t let her friends, who defended her religiously, touch a hair on his head. She always claimed it was juvenile and pointless. If she didn’t exist, Draco would at least have a few broken bones.

“Where is this coming from?” Hermione asked softly.

“You never did anything to me and I tortured you. And for what? Your blood? You have no control over that. I was just raised a certain way with certain views, but I was also taught to be kind. Well by my mother anyway. And not only have been unkind, I drove you to believe I wanted you dead. When I realized I felt like troll shit. My mother would be so disappointed if she knew.” Hermione didn’t expect such an honest conversation. It was so heartfelt and made her softly smile at him.

“Thank you, Draco.” She said honestly. She felt like a weight was lifted off her chest. She put her hand on his and gave it a little squeeze. ”I think it’s sweet how you talk about your mom.” She said, trying to shift the conversation to something lighter. Draco grinned.

“Yeah well, she’s my mom.” Draco brushed the normalcy of it off.

“You don’t talk about your dad that way.” Hermione noted. The shift on Draco’s face was immediate. His jaw clenched, mouth frowned and face grimaced. It was quite obvious Hermione had opened a can of worms he wasn’t ready to talk about. “I’m sorry. I’ll shut up. I forget about privacy sometimes.”

Draco didn’t want the progress they just made in their shaky… friendship, to go down the drain. If it were any other day he would go off on her, using every bad word in the book, but it wasn't. He swallowed his pride. “Whatever. Are we okay?”

“Yes.” Hermione said, noting his lack of anger towards her. She was expecting him to explode.

A couple days passed. An outsider wouldn’t notice a real change between the two, but there was a complete shift in their dynamic. Hermione and Blaise were in the library working on their homework when Draco and a few of his other friends came in. They all greeted Blaise and ignored Hermione, except 2. Pansy whispered ‘mudblood’ before she left the pair to work, but it was not audible enough for anyone else to hear. Draco shot her a small, acknowledging nod. To anyone else this would mean nothing, but to Hermione it was the most civil thing he had done for her in years.

She bumped into him in the hallway. Hermione was always thinking, so much so that sometimes she forgot to think to look at her surroundings, causing her to often bump into people. In the past Draco would’ve made a comment about having to burn the mud off his clothes, but instead he grabbed the book she dropped and gave it to her. Then he proceeded to wordlessly walk away.

Overall, it was nice not to hear anything about her blood status for a few days. Draco had always been the ringleader of his group. If he wasn’t saying anything, nobody else would bother. Hermione’s days felt quiet and peaceful. Little did she know that wouldn’t last.

Hermione was on her way to the astronomy tower. Even though it was quite late and she was breaking curfew, she and McGonagall had an understanding when it came to the astronomy tower. The only way Hermione could make good use of it was if it were nighttime, and Hermione loved to be ahead in her work and be very thorough. She asked the questions the textbooks didn’t have answers for. McGonagall admired it and decided to waive Hermione’s curfew when it concerned the tower.

As far as she knew, Hermione was the only one who had this privilege. Imagine her surprise when she heard someone rustling. 

“Who’s there?” She asked warily. She heard a grunt, but no coherent answer. Hermione raised her wand and stepped forward, preparing herself for danger. Instead, she dropped her hand and a frown appeared on her face at the sight. “Malfoy? Couldn’t you have said something. You scared me half to death.” Again, Draco didn’t answer.

Hermione took a closer look and saw how disheveled the Slytherine prince was. His hair was a mess and shirt untucked and wrinkled. Her eyes traveled to his side where she saw a bottle. She picked it up. Draco didn’t seem to protest. He barely seemed aware of her presence. The bottle was empty. Hermione read the label:  _ fire whiskey _ . “Oh god. Are you drunk? Did you really drink this whole bottle all by yourself?” Hermione exclaimed. Fire whiskey was known for its strength. One shot could already make you tipsy, but a whole bottle? Hermione was surprised Draco was alive.

Then Hermione’s instincts kicked in. Draco could have alcohol poisoning. The smart thing to do was bring him to madam Pomfrey, but Draco would hate her for it. He would get in trouble and then they would go back to hating each other. Hermione really didn’t look forward to that. She groaned and knew she should just bring him back to his room, but it was proven quite difficult in Draco’s drunken state. He wouldn’t cooperate with Hermione’s efforts whatsoever. 

Hermione had a petite frame, clearly not built to drag a full grown teenage boy. The whole walk to the dungeons Hermione was muttering about Draco irresponsibility and the effects of alcohol on an underdeveloped brain, though she knew the information wouldn’t resonate with him.

“Okay, Malfoy. We’re here. Tell me the password.” Hermione told him as they approached the Slytherin common room entrance. Draco didn’t answer her and when she looked up at him she realized he was passed out, slung over her shoulder. She groaned and pleaded someone was still up past curfew. She banged on the door, outing her anger and frustration in her knock. A couple moments passed before the painting flung open. 

“What the fuck?” A groggy Theodore Nott stood at the entrance. The boy had fallen asleep on the couch earlier.

“I found him drunk in the Astronomy tower.” Hermione said as she moved past Theo into the common room. In his sleep-deprived state the boy didn’t even protest a Gryffindor coming into the Slytherin common room. “Help me get him up to his room.” She ordered.

Right away Theo grabbed Draco’s other arm and slung it over his shoulder. “It’s not even the weekend! Weekdays are my break from drunk Draco.” He complained.

“Wait, he does this often?!” Hermione exclaimed. She knew Draco was no stranger to drinking. It was the whole Slytherin house really, but  _ this _ drunk, almost every weekend? How has she never noticed this before? She spent every weekend with him. Never did he seem hungover.

“Yeah. Well, lately he’s been doing it less. I reckon he’s too busy with school. Once your project finishes I guess he’ll go back to his old ways.” Theo shrugged it off as if there was nothing alarming.

“That’s bad. Really, really bad.” Hermione noted.

“Yeah, well it’s Draco. What did you expect.”

“Just Draco? Not the whole house?”

Theo rolled his eyes to that. “We’re not all cruel fuck ups, you know.”

“That’s not what I meant. It's just- why does he do it?” Hermione asked. She imagined drinking was more of a social thing. Peer pressure if you will. 

“It’s not my story to tell.” Theo said. They reached Draco’s door and went inside. The pair placed their friend on his bed. Theo went to one of the drawers and pulled out a potion. Hermione figured it was something for Draco’s hangover. She was about to ask Theo about it, but before he could Draco threw up on Hermione’s lap. Hermione screeched in disgust and Theo burst out laughing.

“Get him off me! Now!” Theo complied and dragged Malfoy off Hermione and to the bathroom, so he could empty the rest of his stomach’s contents over a toilet seat.

“Hermione, you should grab one of his shirts out of his drawers. It’ll fit you like a dress. And send him the bill for the cleaning of your clothes!” Theo yelled out from Draco’s private bathroom. Hermione thought Draco might get angry the next morning for touching his things, but she also really didn’t feel like walking around in his retch.

Hermione got out her wand to close the bathroom door so she can change in private. She undid the buttons on her shirt, careful not to touch the vomit. She silently gagged as she pulled her shirt off and threw it in the trash, not bothering to send it to a cleaners. Then she hopped out of her skirt and ripped off her tights, throwing them out too. She felt awkward being almost naked in Draco Malfoy’s room. She quickly pulled out the first shirt she could find. It was a dress shirt that she drowned in. It reached her knees. It was so big she was surprised Draco even fit in it.

Then she noted how soft it felt, no doubt very expensive. Probably cost more than her whole closet. She scoffed at how recklessly Draco spent his money. The amount he spent on this one shirt, would be enough to feed a small family for a year.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Theo coming out of the bathroom, dragging Draco with him. Hermione was quick on her feet and went to his bed to pull the covers out. Theo plopped him on it and took off Draco’s shoes. Hermione smiled in herself at the small act of kindness. Then she pulled his covers over the boy.

Theo sighed and opened up a cabinet. “You fucking wanker” He muttered to himself as he pulled out a potion and placed it on Draco’s nightstand. Probably for his hangover, Hermione guessed. Draco was already fast asleep. Theo furrowed his brows and groaned “Another sleepless night for me!”

“It’s sweet.” Hermione said, earning a confused glance from Theo. “How you take care of him, even though you don't want to.”

“You needed the help.” Theo said defensively. “You could barely drag him to his room, and I doubt you know how to handle a drunk.”

“You didn’t help him for me, Theodore! I’m a mudblood you can’t stand. You helped because you’re a good friend and you care about him.” Hermione scoffed. She scowled at the toxic masculinity most purebloods were raised with. There was no shame in kindness. Hermione thought it was rather noble.

“Hermione, when have I ever called you a mudblood? Or done anything against you? Not all Slytherins are like this, you know. I don’t agree with the muggleborn prejudice.” Theo changed the subject away from his kindness towards his friends.

Hermione cocked her brow and thought about it. She realized he was correct. She had generalized the house into one, hateful group. She cursed herself. She was always telling people not to generalize groups, but she was doing so herself. “I guess I misread you. Sorry.” Hermione told him honestly. 

Her genuinity made Theo slightly uncomfortable. He didn’t really know how to react to kindness. The only one of his friends who was genuinely caring, was Blaise. “Well, you should probably get back to your room before anyone sees you in Malfoy’s dress shirt.”

“Yeah, that would be an uncomfortable situation to explain.” Hermione chuckled.

“There are secret tunnels you-”

“Yes, I know.” Hermione interrupted. “Draco showed them to me once.”

This confused Theo.  _ Had Draco been spending his precious free time with Granger? _ He thought to himself, but decided not to voice his concerns. “You’re a good friend, Theodore.” Hermione said softly with a small smile before heading out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was slightly OOC, but I kinda loved it. please review and thank you for reading <3


	9. Emerald

“Gin, do you know where Hermione is?” Harry asked the girl as he leaned on the doorframe of the room Hermione shared with Ginny.

“Library, probably. She spends more time there than in her own bed.” Ginny said without batting an eye. “Why?”

“I need help with my potions essay.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of using her?” Ginny snarked at him. 

A look of confusion and shock plastered over Harry’s face. “What do you mean?”

“Harry, how many times have you talked to Hermione over the past few weeks? And before you answer that, how many of those times were not about you and your selfish needs?” Ginny looked up from her book to see Harry’s furrowed brows. He was about to ask her what she was on about, before she stopped him. “Harry, you and Ron are shitty friends. You use Hermione for her smarts, but don’t see her as an actual human being. She’s been moping about for weeks, not eating meals with us, spending time with  _ Slytherins _ . All probably because you guys make her feel replaceable.”

“That’s absurd! We love Hermione. She’s just been busy and stressed and-” Harry stopped himself before he continued, realizing that Ginny might be right. A pit of guilt settled in his stomach. He made eye contact with Ginny, who in return cocked her brow. 

Harry rushed out of the dormitory, not bothering to say goodbye to Ginny. His thoughts were running through his mind. He wasn’t paying attention to all the signs, but Hermione was pulling away from him. She was pulling away from Ron too, from all of them. He hadn’t even noticed the difference in her behaviour. Of course he noticed her absence, but he just chalked it up to school work. It wasn’t the first time she had shut herself off to study, but it was usually only for the 2 weeks before end-of-year exams. But this time it was going on for months.

He went looking for Hermione. Sure enough, she was sitting at the back of the library crouched over her books. Harry walked over to Hermione and stood in front of her, thinking of what he should say to her.

“Did you want something, or are you going to keep staring at me?” Hermione said without looking up from her books.

“Hermione, I’m sorry.” Harry blurted out as he sat down in the chair next to his friend. His words caught Hermione’s attention. She looked up at him with furrowed brows.

“What on earth are you talking about, Harry?”

“I’ve been a terrible friend to you. You’re my friend no matter what. I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel as if I use you for your mind, which is brilliant by the way, because-” Harry’s ramble was cut short by Hermione’s soft chuckle.

“Harry, don’t be silly. You’re my best friend. If I felt used I’d tell you about it. I’m happy to help you. Don’t worry about it.” She softly put a reassuring hand on Harry’s.

“Really? Well that’s a relief.” Harry sighed, but quickly frowned again. “Why have you been so distant then?”

“What? That’s absurd. I haven’t been distant.” Hermione replied.

“‘Mione, you haven’t been hanging out with us, you’ve befriended people you used to hate, Ginny says you’re always in a sour mood. Me and Ron never see you anymore, not even at meals! If it’s not my fault, why have you been this way?” Harry exclaimed, voice dripping with genuine concern. Hermione pursed her lips. She couldn’t believe her behaviour was that noticeable. Especially to Harry, he usually wasn’t that attentive.

“There’s no conspiracy, Harry. Thank you for your concern, but I’ve just been busy and stressed. No big deal. And as for the new friends, I have never hated Blaise. He’s always been nice to me and his grades almost match mine. He motivates me to work harder, but  _ you’re _ my best friend. You and Ron.”

“Are you sure?” Harry asked, earning a nod from Hermione. “Okay, then. Are you coming to dinner?”

“It’s a bit early and I still have a lot of work to do. Go on without me. I’ll see you later.” Hermione ushered.

“But I haven’t seen you at dinner in a week. Maybe more. I don’t even remember the last time I’ve seen you at a meal.”

“Don’t worry, Harry. The kitchen always has some leftovers that I get. I promise I’ll come tomorrow.” Hermione shot him a smile and picked up her quill.

“I’m holding you to that!” Harry said as he placed a kiss on her head before leaving the library. 

The moment he left Hermione groaned. She was now obligated to come to dinner tomorrow. She could’ve spent that time finishing her potions essay. Dinner meant staying up until at least 4 AM, and at that point, what would the point of sleeping even be. Another all-nighter.

Hermione woke up the next day happy and proud. She ended up finishing earlier than she thought and managed to get in 3 hours of sleep. Sadly, this was one of her good days. Usually she’d forego sleep altogether, and when she didn’t she went to sleep with a pit in her stomach because she never got her work done.

It was Saturday. Any other student who worked as hard as her would’ve slept through the whole weekend, but Hermione found it pointless to sleep through life. A silly dream didn’t compare to productive working. She got up and took a shower. Hermione was awake before most of her dormmates, them taking the weekend as a chance to sleep in and be lazy. She had the bathroom to herself and figured she could take a long, relaxing bath instead of just a quick shower. After how fast she finished all her work the previous night, and now being ahead of her schedule, she felt she deserved it. She had the time anyway.

Hermione drew a nice hot bath and climbed in. Today she was free. Tomorrow she would be back to killing herself over school, but today she had time. She promised she would spend the day with her friends, feeling awful for neglecting them for so long. Though they wouldn’t be up for hours. And breakfast wouldn’t start in a while either. Suddenly an idea popped into Hermione’s head. She hadn’t gone for a run in ages! That was why her foul mood had been so noticeable to Harry and Ron. She picked up the sport as a stress reliever, but hadn’t had the time to run in ages. She quickly picked up a towel and wrapped herself in it. Then she drained the bath and headed back to her room where she put on a sports bra and leggings. She already felt so much better. Quickly, she stretched and then headed to the Hogwarts grounds. Not a lot of people explored the areas outside of the main building of Hogwarts. Hermione could run uninterrupted.

The moment her legs started moving and her eyes watched the familiar trail, all the weight was lifted from her chest. She felt free. The sense of euphoria was like she was on drugs after being sober for so long. Her happiness was short lived when she heard something move in the bushes beside her. Panic picked up slightly and her curiosity overcame her. She stopped running and caught her breath before shuffling through the bushes. On the other side was a lake she never knew was there. In it was a body. Hermione’s blood ran cold for a second before the person came back to the surface, gasping for air. She got a little closer to the lake, garnering the attention of the boy swimming in it, causing him to turn around. Their eyes locked.

“Malfoy.” Hermione said breathlessly. Last time she saw him he was pretty messed up. He even threw up on her. He looked much different now. His hair was wet, eyes weren’t as red, his face looked awake. Not to mention his attire: there was none. Hermione found her eyes traveling away from his eyes to his body. He was lean and had very defined muscles and abs. Hermione subconsciously bit her lower lip ever so slightly, before grunting and shaking her head, and her thoughts about her childhood bully’s body out too. “What are you doing here at the crack of dawn?”

“Reading,” Draco said sarcastically. “What does it look like, Granger?”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “ _ Why _ are you swimming here so early?”

“Just to clear my head. Do you mind? The point was to be alone.” Draco snapped impatiently. It slightly hurt Hermione’s feelings. She couldn’t grasp why he would be so short with her. After all, she took care of him when he was too drunk to even speak coherently.

“Right. I’ll leave you be.” Hermione muttered as she turned to climb back to the other side of the bushes. 

On her way back to the dorms, her anger only grew. He could’ve at least apologized for ruining her favorite skirt. She didn’t understand why that small interaction with Draco would put such a dent in her mood, but tried to put it aside for her day with Ron and Harry. 

When she got back to the dorms a few more students were up, but she knew it would still be a while before either of her friends would be awake. She decided to curl up with one of her favorite muggle books,  _ call me by your name _ , in the common room while she waited. It would be the first time she had pleasure read in so long. By the time Harry and Ron came downstairs for breakfast, Hermione had already finished the book. The boys were shocked to see Hermione sitting there, waiting for them. Especially since she wasn’t even doing schoolwork.

“Harry! Ron!” Hermione exclaimed as she put her book down and pulled them both into a hug, which the boys returned instantly.

“Blimey, Hermione,” Ron muffled into her neck. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in years!”

“I know. I’m so sorry.” Hermione pulled back from their hug. “But I promise I’ve made free time for us today. We can spend the whole day together.”

“That’s great, ‘Mione. We really missed you.” Harry said as he squeezed her shoulder. “Come on, now. I’m starving.”

The trio spent the whole day catching up. They even decided to have a picnic on the school grounds for lunch. Later in the afternoon they went to Hagrid’s cot where they had some tea. Hermione beamed the whole day, forgetting her earlier interaction with Draco completely. She had missed spending time with Harry and Ron. It was nothing like her friendship with Blaise. They had saved each others’ lives and they had so much history. She knew them inside and out. Every little thing, every little secret. She quickly questioned if they knew her remotely as well, but then pushed the thought away.  _ I just notice all the little things. Neither Harry or Ron have that quality. It’s my own fault. _ She thought to herself.

When it was time for dinner the trio walked into the dining hall together. Across the room sat Draco Malfoy. He glanced at the group the moment they came inside. None of them looked back or even noticed the boy looking intensely at them. Draco gripped his fork tighter and clenched his jaw.

“What’s the matter?” Theo asked him.

“Nothing’s the matter. This food is horrid.” Draco replied nonchalantly.

“Ah, it’s Granger then I take it.”

“Are you fucking mental? Why on earth would I be thinking about Granger?” Draco exclaimed, faking disgust. He stopped being a dick to her face, but it would be too much if he suddenly started acting like her best friend.

“You’re embarrassed, aren’t you?” Draco shot Theo a confused glance. “For the way you behaved that night. She saw you at your lowest.” 

Draco scoffed and told Theo to drop the subject, but deep inside he knew his friend was right. For some reason he cared how Hermione perceived him. It didn’t help that he couldn’t remember anything that happened that night. He worried he might have said something he shouldn’t have. He feared she knew one of his secrets, which he had many of.

At the Gryffindor table the conversations were much lighter. Hermione was talking to her other year mates about Viktor Krum of all people. It had been a while since Hermione had thought of her ex-boyfriend. She bore no ill will against him. They ended things on friendly terms and still occasionally owled each other. The Patil twins brought up one of his latest wins in Quidditch, which sparked a conversation about Hermione’s first boyfriend. The girl made a note to herself to write him a letter congratulating him.

Ron was sitting back in grumpily as the girls next to him went on and on about his newfound enemy. Harry was chuckling slightly to himself at Ron’s attitude. His thoughts were interrupted by Neville’s belated arrival. 

“Why are you so late?” Ron said, desperate to change the conversation.

“Got caught up writing my Herbology essay. I forgot about it and had to finish it last minute.” Neville explained as he grabbed a plate. Hermione felt her blood run cold.

“Wh- what essay?” She shakily stuttered out.

“Sprout assigned it a month ago. You probably forgot you even finished it.” Ron joked, but was incorrect. Hermione hadn’t even begun the essay. The conversation continued, but Hermione was absent from it. Her anxiety spiked and she felt her breath shorten. It became harder and harder to breathe. She hastily excused herself and left the dining hall. She practically ran to her room, tears streaming down her face. When she got to her room she slammed the door and started pacing around it. She was cursing at herself, wishing it was possible to hex oneself. Hermione screamed out in frustration and collapsed on the ground. She bawled her hands into fists and hit her head a couple times, wanting to punish herself for her forgetfulness. She made her way into the bathroom and started into the huge mirror, without hesitation she slammed her fist right into it, the force was enough to shatter it completely. Hermione huffed and took a few collective breaths. She needed to calm down. When her breathing had evened out she got her wand and fixed the mirror. Her hand was completely bloodied. Though she hadn’t learned any healing spells at school, she tutored herself as an extracurricular on it. She knew she could fix her hand with a swift flick of the wand, but she didn’t. Instead she cleaned it off and wrapped it in a cloth. It stung her, and probably still would for the next week or so.  _ I’m not advanced enough to heal myself. I haven’t practiced enough _ . She told herself, knowing full well she was capable enough to fix her hand.

She walked back into her room. Her anxiety attack was over and tears had dried, though her face still looked worn out. She was too tired to stress about anything else, so she decided to just change into her pajamas. She was about to turn in for the night when she noticed a carefully wrapped package. She picked it up. It was light and felt soft. There was a note attached which read 

_ To replace the one's I ruined. Let me know if you need them tailored. _

_DM._

Confused, she unwrapped the package. Inside she found a brand new skirt, dress shirt and a small necklace. She realized Draco was talking about the night he threw up on her. Even in her wary state, this managed to make her crack a small soft smile. She inspected the skirt and shirt first. They felt much more expensive than the one's Hogwarts provided. Draco must’ve bought them elsewhere. The material was soft and nice. The stitching was careful and perfect. They were now probably the most expensive thing she owned. She couldn’t imagine wearing something that cost more than a modern day care probably.

Then Hermione picked up the necklace. She furrowed her brows, seeing as she didn’t wear any jewelry so there was nothing to ruin. She didn’t understand it, but the necklace was truly beautiful. Hermione never liked chunky, flashy things. This necklace was the opposite. Simple. But there was beauty in its simplicity. It was a thin and simple gold chain, with a small little, but no doubt expensive, emerald pendant. It was a beautiful deep green charm and clearer than a summer’s day sky.

Hermione’s fingers traced it, but eventually she put it down. She couldn’t accept something so big, for just a small act of kindness on her part. She knew Draco could easily afford to spend so much money, but she’d rather have him donate it to charity or release his elves. She didn’t need anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So what did you think of this chapter? I had already written the last 3 chapters in advance so I've been posting semi-regularly, but I've been very very busy lately and have a lot of exams next week and more deadlines the week after. I've already started writing chapter 10 but it's not finished yet and I don't think I'll have time to finish it in the next 2 weeks or so. I'm really sorry for that, but after I'll have a lot of free time and will be updating all the time probably.  
> Thanks for reading!


	10. friends

When Hermione woke up on Sunday a wave of panic hit her. Tomorrow was the deadline for an Herbology essay she didn’t even know was about. She felt the familiar swirl in her stomach and tightness in her chest. Tears started to prickle her eyes and she jumped up and ran into the bathroom. In there she paced, not wanting to wake Ginny, who was still sleeping in their room. The tears fell as she looked into the mirror, disgusted by the failure she saw. She balled up her hand but felt a sting. She looked down and remembered her punching the mirror. Now she felt even worse. She needed to let it out, but she didn’t know how. Before she knew it, Hermione was hurled up over the toilet with her fingers in her mouth, throwing up last night's dinner. She was angry and didn’t deserve it. She had eaten peacefully and wholly because she was proud. And for what? She forgot a whole project. She didn’t pay attention to all the times Sprout talked about the deadline during class. What kind of student does that? A bad kind. She uttered to herself.

When Hermione was done she brushed her teeth and splashed her face with some cold water. Throwing up felt good. All that negativity and the hurricane that was swirling inside her, felt like it just disappeared with her food. Now more calm and collected, she went back into her room and quickly changed into some clothes and headed for the library, deciding to skip breakfast. She needed enough time to finish her essay  _ and _ work on her project with Malfoy.

She spent hours on end researching and working on her Herbology essay. It was proving to be much more difficult than anticipated. Especially since Hermione didn’t aim for a passing grade, she aimed for an exceptional grade.

She was so invested that she didn’t notice Draco approaching her, or him even sitting next to her. She didn’t look up until he gently put his hand on her shoulder, careful not to startle her.

“Oh, Malfoy. Sorry, I was just working on Herbology.” She said as she started closing her book, not yet having finished. Another all-nighter.

“On the essay that’s due tomorrow? Damn, Granger. I expected more from you.” Draco joked, but it seemed to visibly strike a nerve with Hermione. She looked down in shame with furrowed brows. “Hey, I was only kidding. Only you could pull off finishing this so last minute.”

Hermione scoffed in return. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“Mind if I take a look?” Draco asked while already reaching for her essay. Hermione didn’t object. “Granger, what are you on about? This is fine.”

“Well I have higher standards than ‘fine’.” Hermione snapped, but immediately regretted it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap. I just-”

“Granger, it’s fine. After all I’ve done to you, you  _ should _ be snapping at me.” Draco said. He had been feeling more and more guilt and shame. He had treated Hermione like dirt and scum for the majority of the time he knew her. Yet she still decided to help him when he was a complete mess. If someone did to him what he did to her and he stumbled upon them drunk, he’d take advantage of the situation and embarrass them in front of the whole school.

“ _ Draco _ ,” Hermione looked at him with wide eyes and furrowed brows. “You know I’ve forgiven you for that, right?” She didn’t want him feeling like he owed her. She didn’t want him to feel guilty every time he looked at her, which was a lot because their project had them spending a lot of time together.

“Why would you?”

“You’ve changed,” Before Draco could comment on that, Hermione changed the subject. “Which reminds me, thank you for the gifts, but I can’t accept them.”

Draco shot her a puzzled look. “Are the clothes too big? I can-”

“No, no. It’s all perfect, but I can’t walk around in something so lavish. Especially the necklace. Not when there are people out there who can do so much more-”

“Hermione,” Draco gave her a stern glance. “It’s not a gift. The clothes were a sorry for the ones I  _ ruined _ . The necklace is a thank you for not leaving me in the Astronomy building.”

“You could’ve just said ‘sorry’ and ‘thank you’, though.” Hermione said softly.

“My mother always said ‘actions matter more than words’. If you don’t accept and make good use of the gifts, it will be very insulting to me  _ and _ my mother.” A playful smirk came across Draco’s face, and a soft smile appeared on Hermione’s.

“Well I wouldn’t want to insult your mother. She seems quite lovely.” 

“She is.” Draco agreed.

“But just for future reference. My friendships aren’t transactions. Friends take care of each other, without expecting anything in return. What kind of friend- what kind of human being would I be if I just let you rot up there?” Hermione said matter-of-factly.

“You consider us friends?” Draco asked, but in reality he was stating it. He needed to say it out loud before he believed that Hermione Granger considered  _ him _ her friend.

“You don’t?” Hermione asked in a small voice, breaking their eye contact. Her heart faltered a bit. It didn’t help that Draco was just staring at her. To her it seemed as if he was mocking her. She started to feel embarrassed and ashamed. Knowing herself, she would probably shed tears soon, but all her spiraling thoughts were stopped when Draco opened his mouth.

“I do.”

-

“What?!” Hermione snapped at Ron. Clearly he didn’t get the message when she was ignoring his calls out to her. Then he came up to her and started tapping on her shoulder like a child.

“Calm down, Crankypants. I asked if you were coming to dinner.” Ron asked.

“I don’t have time for dinner!” Hermione gritted her teeth as she blurted that out. She didn’t even notice what she had said. She didn’t notice how her excuses had changed from ‘I’ll eat later’ to flat-out ‘I don’t have time to eat’.

“Hermione,” Ron said seriously. “You’re worrying Harry and me. You never eat anymore.”

“Of course I eat, Ron. Just not with you.” Hermione brushed it off. Usually she’d find his concern endearing, but now it was annoying and stress inducing. Hermione didn’t think she was doing anything wrong. She told herself she wasn’t hiding anything, but anything she told her friends, they would take the wrong way; make a big deal out of nothing.

“Really? Where then?” He questioned.

“I get food from the kitchen after the Dining Hall closes!”

“Bullshit! Don’t you think I’ve tried that? The whole reason I have a stash in my room is because they won’t let you get food from the kitchen!”

Hermione’s heart started racing. If she admitted she lied, Ron would go ballistic and think there was something wrong. “Ron, look in the mirror! You eat  _ so _ much. That’s why they won’t let  _ you _ get anything from the kitchens, but they  _ always _ let me get whatever I want, whenever!” The moment she screamed this, Hermione felt so guilty she could cry. She didn’t want to say any of that, she wanted to apologize right away, she wanted to hug him and take it all back. Instead, she crossed her arms and shot him a mean smirk. “You can leave now!” She pointed to the door. 

Without another word, Ron left, slamming the door shut behind him. The moment the door shut, Hermione jumped on her bed and screamed out in frustration, soon the tears followed. She hugged herself tightly. Then her thoughts went out of control. She worried if Harry would be angry at her too, and even more if Ron had told Ginny. Ginny would make her feel like absolute shit. Hermione had seen Ginny’s wrath firsthand, and you did not want Ginevra Weasley as an enemy.

Hermione could not get rid of the anxiety. She was too nervous to face both Harry and Ron. She knew Ron had probably told Harry everything, and no matter how much she hated it, she knew Harry would always side with Ron. After all, they were the closer friends. To outsiders they were a trio, but in reality it was always Harry and Ron, and then there was Hermione.

Hermione missed breakfast the following day in order to avoid her friends. She knew she would have to face Ron during charms, which they both had their first period. She groaned when she came into the class. Most of the seats were full, except the one next to Ron. Hermione’s eyes scanned the room further and noticed Theodore Nott was also sitting alone. Hermione passed Ron and sat next to Theodore instead. Hurt flashed Ron’s eyes.  _ Surely sitting next to the Slytherin scum is worse than sitting next to me _ he thought to himself.

“Goodmorning, Theodore.” Hermione said as she placed her books on the seat next to him.

“After the traumatic experience we’ve been through, you can call me Theo.” He joked, referencing their interaction with Draco’s drunken stupor. Hermione offered a small smile that disappeared quickly. “What’s got your panties in a bunch?” 

“It’s that obvious?” Hermione sighed.

“Is it that time of the month?” He asked jokingly.

“Shut up,  _ Theo _ .” Hermione retorted. Then she thought back to the last time she had her period, which actually had been absent for a couple months now. She frowned.  _ What on earth is going on? _ She asked herself. She couldn’t possibly be pregnant. She’d been broken up with Viktor for a good 6 months now. She noted to figure it out later.

“I see you’re wearing Draco’s necklace. Do you like it?”

“I do.”

“Wouldn’t you have liked it better if it was bigger? I told him to get a bigger diamond, but he insisted you wouldn’t wear it if it was flashy.” Theo informed her. It sparked Hermione’s interest as she looked up. Maybe Draco knew her better than she thought. The pendant was the perfect size for Hermione. Just the way she liked it.

“I’m afraid he was right. I don’t like big things.”

“That’s definitely  _ not _ what she said.” Theo muttered. Hermione blushed furiously as her eyes widened.

“Theodore!” Hermione shook her head at him. “Don’t be so damn crass!”

Theo chuckled at her reaction and bumped her with his elbow. “Chill out. I’m only this crass to people I like.”

“Why does that compliment sound like a curse?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally done with my test week! Well, almost. I still got one more on monday and a few deadlines due next week :( Please review! Thanks for reading loves


	11. I care

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! mention of non-graphic self-harm and an insinuation of a suicide attempt.

_ Dear Viktor, _

_ It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. How have you been? How’s your family? I hope you’re all doing great. I heard about your big Quidditch win. Congratulations! Although I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. _

_ Not much has changed with me. Still the same old Hermione, busting my ass over school. It’s suffocating, really. I took up running. It’s nothing compared to Quidditch I bet, but it’s much easier. You’d probably get bored. _

_ What’s new with you? Any cool, new broomsticks? Although I have no understanding of the different broomsticks, I’m sure you can tell me all about them. _

_ I hope to hear back from you soon. _

_ Love, _

_ Hermione. _

Hermione folded her letter into an envelope. She remained close friends with Viktor after their breakup, though lately they haven’t been writing to each other as often. Hermione put the letter inside her bag and shoved a few books into it too. She headed downstairs. Instead of going to breakfast she headed towards the owlery. She reached into her bag and pulled out the envelope when she crashed into a hard object, dropping the envelope.

“Granger, we’ve got to stop running into each other like this.” Hermione looked up to see the one and only, Draco Malfoy. She was in his arms once again.

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking.” Hermione said as she awkwardly wiggled out Draco’s grasp, blushing to the ground. Their faces were so close once again. 

“It seems so,” Draco said, as he turned his attention to the envelope on the ground. He picked it up, curiosity written all over his face. He frowned. “Still seeing Krum, I see.”

“We’re just friends.” Hermione replied, snatching the envelope from his hands, still refusing to make eye contact. 

“Are you sure about that?” Draco grabbed the envelope back and opened it up. Hermione protested, but he held it up above his head, out of her reach. Draco was significantly taller than her, and has a masculine build; Hermione was no match for him. “ _ How have you been? Congratulations! What’s new with you?  _ **_Love,_ ** _ Hermione. _ ” Draco spat at her in a mocking voice, especially emphasising ‘love’. 

“Must you do that?” When Draco finished the letter and lowered it, Hermione grabbed it with a scowl on her face.

“I mustn’t, but I want to.” 

“Your life would be awfully dull without me, huh?”

“Awfully, tragically.” Draco replied with half a smirk.

“What a pathetic existence.” Hermione commented.

“I’m pathetic? You’re still swooning over a guy who probably hasn’t even given you a second thought.” Draco said angrily. He knew it crossed a line, but he couldn’t help it. Something inside him, a strong emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint, made him

Hermione’s face sombered and she walked past him, brushing her shoulder against him. “I’m not swooning.” She angrily stated before finally entering the owlery.

Draco spent the rest of the day snapping at everyone. Theo and Blaise took note of their friends’ odd behaviour but chalked it up to another one of his random mood swings. He had those quite often, but lately they started appearing less and less often as well as less violent than usual.

Draco had bottled up so much anger he didn’t know who to direct at. He kept hearing his father’s voice in his head, telling him to keep his emotions under control; he’d seem weak if he lashed out. The relentless comments made him angrier. It seemed wherever Draco found himself, no matter how far away, his father would still haunt his every thought.

The Slytherin prince never learned a healthy coping mechanism for his anger, even now that he was at an age where he should know better. He knew it was unhealthy, he knew it wasn’t smart, but at the end of the day he didn’t care. Drinking was the only thing that made him feel better, and once he took the first sip, he couldn’t stop until the whole bottle was empty. For a guy with usually impeccable self control (in public and around his father, that is), it was proven not to be of much use when it came to self-medication.

When even after dinner his foul mood hadn’t disappeared, he rushed to his room and grabbed a bottle of the best Firewhiskey the wizarding world had to offer. He swiftly hid the bottle in the folds of his robe and started heading towards the tunnel, knowing curfew would be starting soon. 

Right before he reached the end of the stairs, Draco remembered that Terry Boot kept a stash of little blue pills in his room. He didn’t have knowledge about which drug it was exactly, but often saw Slytherins take them at parties. It looked pleasurable enough when others did the pills. Draco made up his mind and carefully snuck into Terry’s room. He started looking in his nightstand when a thought hit him, a Summoning Spell. Draco prayed Terry was stupid enough not to put counter-enchantments on his precious stash.  _ Accio pills! _ Sure enough, there they were. A little bag with about 5 blue pills. Draco shoved the bag into his pocket and walked out of the room, while musing at Terry’s stupidity.

Feeling accomplished, he used the tunnels to head to the lake Draco often frequented. There he waited until it was dark out and curfew was set, ensuring his privacy, before taking one little pill out and holding it to the moonlight. “Let’s see what all the hype is about.” Draco said before swallowing the pill with a chug of whiskey. He had indulged in the drink so often, that at this point the burn felt like a warm embrace. Instantly his muscles relaxed. It wasn’t even the fact that he was drinking alcohol at this point. It was just the security he felt of having the drink.

With half the bottle finished after half an hour, yet still not feeling any added effects of the pill, Draco decided to take 2 more. His mind thought Terry might’ve just been scamming everyone out of their money. Draco had been mistaken. Within no time he started hallucinating and he felt like he was on top of the world. Suddenly, a swim seemed like a great idea…

-

“I’m not swooning.” 

Hermione couldn’t believe the nerve Draco had. They had just gotten on good terms and there he was ruining everything again. He was buying her jewelry one minute, and making her out to be some love-sick fool the next. She couldn’t keep up with all his mood swings. Sometimes it felt like he had 2 completely different personalities. One was loving, caring and sweet. The other was aggressive, angry and mean. Hermione didn’t understand how Draco had so many friends and admirers. But then again, Slytherins were loyal creatures and it sure helped that Draco was pureblood royalty.

Similar to Draco’s, Hermione’s mood had been rotten the rest of the day. Not that anyone noticed or thought anything of it. A rotten mood was starting to become her everyday mood. Hermione was starting to think people were avoiding her. And she wasn’t exactly wrong. People were already quite wary of her because they were intimidated by her constant excellence. She had her close friends who had gotten used to it already, but lately they’d been on thin ice. Hermione kept waiting for one of the boys to fuck up and ask for her help with something. She was  _ depending _ on it, knowing she had too much pride to approach them herself. Besides, they were the Golden Trio, they’d make up eventually. It was just taking a bit longer this time.

At least, that’s what Hermione kept telling herself the past few weeks. Truth is, she didn’t know if she could take back what she said to Ron. It was awful and she knew it. For the first time, it was  _ Hermione _ who’d been in the wrong. Harry had been avoiding her too. Hermione figured because Ron had told him about their fight. Her two best friends had turned on her, and she was the only one to blame.

She barely saw her roommates anymore, but she knew Ginny and Lavender would hate her if they got wind of her fight with Ron. The rest of her house only tolerated her because she was friends with  _ the _ Harry Potter. And she was constantly rivaling the Ravenclaws, and always looked down upon most Hufflepuffs. She couldn’t even imagine Slytherin. While true she had found a few friends in the house, they were all closer to Draco than her and if push came to shove, they’d all choose him. With Draco’s constant mood swings and Hermione’s pride, they were bound to have a falling out sooner or later, Hermione had convinced herself of this. When they’d choose Draco’s side over hers, she’d be completely alone. Not to mention the house would go back to their constant bullying, but Harry and Ron wouldn’t be there to defend her. 

Hermione’s thoughts were spiraling. She started to feel so desperately alone, and as if the walls were closing in on her. She quickly ran out of the Owelry into the Prefect’s bathroom where she locked herself in a stall where she quickly cast a silencing spell and then cried and screamed. She banged her head against the wall. These forms of self harm had been getting more and more usual during her breakdowns, which also came at a more frequent pace. Hermione continued cursing at herself. She was consumed in self hatred. It was comical in a twisted sort of way. The way she held herself, the pride she always radiated. Nobody would guess that that same girl had so much deep rooted anger at herself.

She didn’t know how long she stayed there. Hermione completely lost track of time. Once she had gathered her bearings again, she wiped her tears and stepped out of the bathroom stall. She splashed some cold water on her face and exited the room. When she stepped outside she realized she must’ve spent hours crying in the bathroom, because it was already dark. She must’ve missed curfew too.

Hermione wasn’t ready to face her roommates, who would no doubt harass her with a bunch of questions about her absence from class. Coming in so late at night would raise even more questions about her whereabouts. Hermione decided it was best to return in the morning, and say she stayed the night at Madam Pomfrey’s. This meant she had to stay out somewhere for the next couple hours. She decided the best option would be going her usual running route. It was familiar and might even calm her down.

While wandering the grounds, careful not to get caught by anyone, she came across a bush. She remembered that behind it was a lake where she saw Draco once, shirtless. Hermione blushed slightly at the thought. All her negative feelings towards Draco vanished just like that. 

Hermione pushed through the bush to glance at the familiar lake. What she had not expected to see, was a log in the water. Upon closer inspection she realized it was a boy, one with platinum blonde hair.

“Malfoy?” Hermione yelled out, wondering what he was doing there so late at night. As she took a few more steps forward, her feet knocked against something: a bottle. She bent down and saw a bag of pills, Draco’s robes and his wand on the ground. Hermione’s head snapped back up, more alert and alarmed. Draco was lying face down in the water, completely still.

Without a second thought Hermione jumped into the water and pulled him out. “Stupid, stupid stupid!” She screamed at him as she got him on the grass. His chest wasn’t moving up and down. Hermione didn’t know what healing spell would work, so her quick thinking decided to do this the muggle way. She had once taken a CPR-course in the summer. She started doing chest compressions and every so often she’d breathe air into Draco’s mouth. Under different circumstances, she’d blush, but her anxiety was spinning out of control about other things right now; too busy to dwell on her lips touching Draco’s. “Come on, Draco! For fucks sake, please!” She yelled at him, knowing he probably couldn’t hear her.

Hermione’s mind started slowly circling the thought that Draco might be dead. Hermione didn’t know how long he had been in the water. Maybe he’d been dead for hours and Hermione was doing all this in vain. 

Hermione didn’t even notice the tears falling from her eyes and the loud cries escaping her mouth. She was so focused on chest compressions, she had a belated reaction to the water sputtering out of Draco’s mouth as he tried to sit up.

“H- Hermione?” Draco stuttered out in between coughs. Hermione stopped doing CPR and stared at the boy in front of her. She’d stopped crying and held her breath, taking in that the Slytherin boy was in fact still alive.

Draco started piecing together what had happened, but his thoughts were interrupted by a sharp sting in his right cheek. Hermione had slapped him. “What on earth-”

“YOU WERE GOING TO DIE!” Hermione screamed at him, forgetting curfew and the fact that anyone could just hear her. “You stupid fucking arse! What- what were you thinking? I- I thought you were dead! DEAD!” Hermione was stuttering out more insults but they weren’t to be made out, as her cries resumed. Her words were barely comprehensible. She started heaving for air, another panic attack.

Draco felt immense guilt. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for her, stumbling upon a presumably dead body. It was safe to assume it was traumatic. He didn’t mean to scare her. He didn’t mean to go into the water. He didn’t mean to almost drown. That’s not what was occupying his mind, though. It was the sight before him, the sight of Hermione crying, dry heaving, gasping for air; it was enough to break him. 

Without another thought spared for pureblood etiquette, or his stone-cold reputation, he wrapped his arms around Hermione, not wanting to ever let go. He wanted to shout how sorry he was, he wanted to tell her he didn’t mean to scare her, he wanted for her to calm down and be okay, but instead he held his mouth shut and let her cry out.

He didn’t even notice when he started running his fingers through her hair, which was wet. He figured because she physically jumped in after him, instead of using magic to carry him out. He didn’t catch himself placing a kiss in her hair. After a while, Hermione was still crying a bit, but not as loudly. Draco started really taking in her features. She felt so small and brittle in his arms, as if she’d just shatter if he squeezed her too hard. He could feel her sharp ribs through her robes while he held her. She looked so fragile, making Draco feel all the more guilty. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry, Hermione.” He whispered into her hair. He hadn’t been expecting the girl to grab onto him, hugging him back even harder. She held him so hard, he didn’t even know how a girl like her had so much strength. A moment too soon, Hermione let go of him and shrugged out of Draco’s grasp, to his dismay. She wiped her tears, not making any eye contact with him. Draco felt ashamed that she couldn’t even bear looking at him, but felt himself break when she finally did. The pain in her eyes shook him to the core.

“Malfoy, if you had died, and I couldn’t save you tonight,” Hermione took a sharp breath. “I would not have survived it. I couldn’t  _ live _ with seeing your dead body.”

Draco was rendered speechless. She would feel like that, for  _ him _ . He’d made her life a living hell for so long. He didn’t deserve her feelings.

“Draco, did you- where you, trying to k- kill yourself?” Hermione managed to stutter out, eyes filled with pain and concern.

“No!” Draco said quickly. “I was just high and drunk. I didn’t mean to do anything stupid-”

“That’s what this was, Draco, stupid. Completely, utterly, idiotic.” Hermione interrupted.

“Merlin, don’t you think I know-”

“No, I don't think you do, Draco. Do you realize that if I wasn’t there, or even a minute later, you would’ve been  _ dead _ ?” Hermione’s voice cracked at the last word.

“Hermione! I’m  _ sorry _ !” Draco pleaded.

“What would Blaise have done? Or Theo, or you mom, or for fucks sake, ME?! You can’t do this shit, Draco. You’re not a child. You know right from wrong, stupid from smart. This was a choice, your choice. I’m telling you, you cannot befriend me, make me care about you, and then pull stupid, life-threatening stunts like this!” Hermione exclaimed, raising her voice slightly. Draco’s heart stopped when she said she cared about him. Before he could say anything else, Hermione continued. “Because I do, you know. Care about you. I don’t care if you don’t care about me too, but you are my friend now, and I care about you.” Hermione almost whispered, breaking their eye contact.

“Merlin, Hermione. I’m sorry, okay? This won’t happen again. It was my first time doing Terry’s blue pills. I learned my lesson.” Draco said, earning a dry laugh from Hermione. It wasn’t the reaction he was expecting.

“No, Draco. This  _ won’t _ be happening again. I mean, all of it. Promise me you’ll stop all of it, okay? The pills  _ and _ the drugs.” Hermione looked up at Draco again, who pursed his lips while thinking about the promise. Hermione’s eyes darted and brows furrowed. “Draco!” She couldn’t believe he had to even think about it.

“Okay, okay! I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did you think? I just finished my last deadline and started writing immediately. This chapter is a huge turning point in Hermione and Draco's relationship imo. I'm so excited to write this story. It's my favorite I've ever written tbh. I've got one more week of school and after that I think I'll be updating a lot. Gah, I can't wait omg.  
> Thanks for reading. Don't forget to comment (if u want) <3


	12. Nor will we ever

After the incident at the lake tensions were high between Draco and Hermione. The latter kept trying to seek him out and talk, but Draco was avoiding her like the plague. He was still embarrassed and ashamed. While he was no stranger to his friends’ concern for his drinking habits, he’d always brushed off their warnings. After a while both Blaise and Theo didn’t see the point in even trying to warn their friend, instead just opting to take care of him when he was drunk or hungover. Truthfully, they didn’t see it as much of a serious problem, neither did Draco. Everybody drank at their age, Draco just drank a little too much sometimes. At least, that’s what they’d been trying to convince themselves of.

However, after Hermione expressed concern for him, Draco started really thinking about his habits. He didn’t know why her words were the ones that hit him. Maybe it was just the situation they’d found themselves in. Draco couldn’t believe he almost  _ died _ . He was so close to death. If Hermione hadn’t been there he would’ve drowned. Nobody else ever came to the lake either, so who knows if he would’ve even been found. It was a wake up call for Draco, which regrettably came with its downsides. He felt so foolish, so angry, so hurt. He didn’t know how he could ever look Hermione in her eyes again, though he’d probably have to find out soon, as they still had their little project due. He wouldn’t have to endure her for much longer, though. Christmas was nearing, which meant their deadline was too. After that, he probably wouldn’t see her as much. They’d return to their social circles. Sure, they’d grown closer over the past semester, but the only times they spent the day together was when they were working. Draco feared it was the only thing actively bonding them, even though he didn’t want to admit to a bond at all.

Hermione was still worried about her former enemy when she got up the next morning. She even went to breakfast for his sake, hoping to see him. To her dismay he wasn’t there. She figured he might’ve been fighting off the hangover he no doubt had, so she kept an eye out for him the rest of the day. She didn’t see him at lunch, around school, or at dinner. Her concern was starting to turn into anger as she realized he’d been purposefully avoiding her. Right after dinner she headed towards the dungeons, determined to give Draco a piece of her mind. On her way there she caught up to Blaise and Theo.

“Hey, boys. Any idea where your idiot friend is? Haven’t seen him all day. The bastard seems to be avoiding me.” Hermione bitterly revealed.

“He’s probably in his room. Come with us, we’ll let you into the dorms.” Blaise said with a smile.

“Any idea why he’s avoiding you?” Theo asked, interest spiking. Draco usually faced his problems head-on. It was out of character for him to be avoiding anyone, especially Hermione, since he’s never held his tongue around her before, even when he definitely should have.

“Why do idiots do anything?” Hermione mused back. Draco had made her promise not to tell anyone of the events that occurred the previous night. Hermione reluctantly agreed to it, knowing he’d never forgive her otherwise.

When they reached the Slytherin common rooms, Hermione got a few glares from the students occupying it. Though most Slytherins were used to her presence due to her blooming friendship with Blaise (and Theo to an extent. Draco kept their friendship private) one first year, who no doubt thought it was ‘cool’ to hate muggle borns, called her a mudblood. Theo glared at the boy, while Blaise was about to give him a piece of his mind, but Hermione stopped him by putting her hand on his chest. She was here for one thing and didn’t need any more delays.

Hermione didn’t even bother to knock on Draco’s door, instead aggressively pushing the door handle down. It didn’t budge.

“Draco Lucius Malfoy! Open this door right the fuck now!” Hermione yelled and banged on his door.

“What do you think happened?” Theo whispered to Blaise as they were watching the scene unfold from a slight distance.

“No idea.” Blaise whispered back.

“I know you’re in there! You cannot fucking ignore me after last night!” Draco’s door swung open as he pulled the girl into his room, hurriedly shutting the door behind them. Blaise and Theo looked at each other and quickly made their way to Draco’s door, trying to eavesdrop. 

“Last night? You think they shagged?” Theo asked.

“It’s so unlike Hermione, though.” Blaise stated, brow furrowed.

Before either boy could hear anything, Draco cast a  _ silencio _ .

“Are you completely barmy? Anyone could’ve heard that!” Draco angrily told Hermione, who rolled her eyes in return.

“Well if you didn’t ignore me all day we wouldn’t be in this situation! Besides I doubt anyone would’ve guessed what happened last night even if they did hear.” Hermione brushed it off. 

“You promised you wouldn’t tell!” Draco said angrily.

“And I haven’t! Why have you been ignoring me?” Hermione said, putting her hands on her hips.

“You seriously have to ask?” Draco exclaimed. Hermione obviously wasn’t going to budge, judging by the look on her face. “Merlin, Hermione. Can you just leave it? It’s not like we’re even going to see each other in two weeks. Just forget about it, about me!”

The flash of anger that washed over Hermione’s face was fierce. Before he knew it, Draco found the back of his head being swatted by her hand. “You blithering idiot, Malfoy! Do you even remember what happened last night? What I said to you?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“So haven’t we established that we are friends? That I care about you? Do you think I’m giving you the time of day because of a stupid project? You don’t see me befriending Pansy. God, how are you second in our year? Obviously the alcohol has burned most of the brain cells in that thick head of yours-” It was Draco’s turn to interrupt.

“I was embarrassed, okay! I just didn’t know how to face you.” When these words left Draco’s mouth, Hermione pursed her lips and looked down. A silence settled in the room.

“You should be embarrassed. It’s good that you’re embarrassed. Now you see how much of an idiot you are.” Hermione said, finally breaking the silence. She shot Draco a playful glance before turning around. With her hand on the doorknob, she glanced at the wall in his room one last time. “You fixed the hole.” She commented, unsure of what she meant by it. The last time she was in his room, it ended quite traumatically. She was glad it was different this time.

Hermione had one foot out the door when Draco said one last thing. “Thank you, Granger.”

“What are friends for?” Hermione said, back turned to the boy. She walked out of his room, only to see Draco’s 2 best friends hovering outside it. She shot them a disapproving glance and shook her head. Blaise shot her a sheepish grin, before making his way into Draco’s room. Theo followed.

Once they were sure Hermione was out of earshot, Theo spoke up. “So you’re banging Granger?”

Draco was dumbfounded. “Wh- We’re not- I didn’t-” He stuttered out before collecting himself. He walked up to Theo and smacked the backside of his head. “No, I’m not banging Granger. What on earth would make you think I was? Have you forgotten our past?”

“Exactly, your  _ past _ . She’s known to be quite forgiving.” Theo mused. “What’s this talk about ‘last night’ then?”

Draco’s heart stopped beating. Had Hermione told them something happened last night? She promised she wouldn't say a word. Draco’s face turned, as his anger settled. “What has she told you?”

“Jeez. Were you that bad in bed yesterday? She didn’t say anything to me, but she yelled at you for ignoring her today after ‘what happened last night’. So what happened?” Theo explained. Relief visibly washed over Draco’s face, though he was still a bit agitated about the scene Hermione caused. If other Slytherins overheard and had drawn the same conclusions as his friends, his reputation would go down the drain. And if it somehow made its way to his father, he was a dead man walking. It was no secret it was shameful for Purebloods to socialize with muggleborns, but a whole other level to have intimate relations with them. If Draco’s father so much as suspected something going on between the two, he would have his head.

“I swear Draco, if you did anything to hurt her-” Blaise began to threaten. Although Draco was one of his eldest friends, Hermione had grown to be one of his closest. He trusted her with everything. Blaise loved his friends, but some particular topics were hard to discuss with Theo and Draco, but Hermione made it so easy for him.

“Oh calm down, calm down. We didn’t shag, nor will we ever. Have you forgotten who I am?” Draco brushed it off, earning another scowl from Blaise.

“Draco, haven’t we established that the muggleborn prejudice is bullshit?” Blaise told his friend, who he was getting awfully annoyed with.

“Have you met my father? It doesn’t matter what I think, what he says goes.” Draco retorted. Blaise knew to drop the subject now that Draco’s father had come up. It was an unspoken rule in their friend group to quiet down when speaking about Draco’s parents. Draco had never really confided in his friends about specific details, except for a few drunken slip ups that no one ever brought up again, but they knew it was bad.

“Well if you didn’t shag, what did you do?” Theo inquired.

“I- we just- I kind of-” Draco’s mind scrambled for an excuse. The thought of admitting the truth didn’t even cross his mind. “I ran into her after curfew. She was going to take off points so I hexed her before she could.”

“No wonder she was so angry. You’re an idiot.” Theo shook his head. Blaise didn’t believe Draco. He knew Hermione better than Theo and knew she could take Draco in a battle. There was no way he could’ve hexed her. Still, he kept his mouth shut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was obviously less graphic ED wise, and more focused on Draco and Hermione's friendship. Same will go for the next chapter (only one paragraph will be 'graphic'). Both are a bit shorter, so I'll be posting ch. 13 today too. Chapter 14 will be very long though and more focused on Hermione's ED.  
> If anyone has any requests or tips, I'd be happy to hear em. Thank you for reading! <333


	13. Embarrassed

Today was the day Hermione, Pansy, Blaise and Draco were going to hand in their assignment. Hermione got up extra early to check their project for the last time. She spent the whole night going over and over the paper, making unnecessary corrections, stressing out about nothing.

She only slept for one hour. Her tired state was starting to become her only state. A rested Hermione was a rare occurrence. But at least her exhaustion was bringing her to breakfast for coffee at least 3 times a week. Sometimes she’d nibble on a piece of fruit. Her more frequent appearance at breakfast had assuaged Ron and Harry’s worry, even though they still haven’t been talking to her. Harry felt it had gone on long enough, but Ron was still rightfully pissed. At the end of the day Hermione was the one in the wrong, so she should apologize. At least that’s what Ron had been saying.

The fact that Ron and Hermione were fighting meant she had to spend christmas alone. Sure, she had her parents, but they were going on a romantic getaway. Her parents met on christmas day. This year it would be their 20 year anniversary, so they were going to celebrate. They felt guilty for leaving Hermione alone, but she reassured them she’d be fine. She didn’t want them to give up their trip for her.

Ginny had told Hermione she should come anyways, but Hermione didn’t want to endure the high tensions for 2 weeks. Besides, if she was alone she could spend the whole day studying without interruptions.

Hermione was the first in the Transfiguration classroom. Blaise, Draco and Pansy walked in together. Pansy shot her a nasty look, before sitting in the seat in front of her. Blaise took the seat next to Pansy and Draco sat down next to Hermione.

“Ello Hermione.” Blaise greeted. Hermione shot him a warm smile. Draco didn’t greet her at all.

“Finally! Today is the last day I have to breathe the same air as you, mudblood.” Pansy sighed.

“Pansy!” Blaise scowled.

“Don’t think I’m not just as excited.” Hermione muttered. The word ‘mudblood’ didn’t hurt her anymore. What did hurt, was that Draco didn’t blink at Pansy’s insult. At least Blaise had the decency to scowl her.

“What do you have to complain about? You should be happy you get to breathe the same air as us!” Pansy retorted.

“Oh please, Pansy. Nobody gives a shit about blood status but you anymore. Grow the fuck up!” Hermione was starting to get angry at Pansy’s persistent insults.

“Oh really? Hermione people might  _ say _ they don’t care, they can  _ act _ like they don’t care, but trust me they do. You don’t see anyone telling their parents about you, inviting you for the holidays, wanting to spend time with you outside of school,  _ courting _ you? At the end of the day, no one here  _ wants _ you, not truly anyways.” Hermione was used to the mudblood comments, but this was personal. What made it worse was that it was true. Hermione had been lying to herself. Blaise, Theo and Draco weren’t her friends. The latter 2 barely even acted like they were. They just said it, without any meaning behind it. Blaise was nice enough, but Hermione knew he wasn’t about to tell his mother about his new friend. Theo was friendly to everyone, and Draco barely acknowledged her. She was their friend, but they weren’t hers. The silence Draco wore only proved her theory.

“Hermione, that’s not true! If I were straight I would totally court you, and besides-” Blaise started defending her, but Hermione didn’t want to hear it, nor did she want Pansy to see her cry. She got up and ran out of the classroom, not hearing the rest of Blaise’s speech.

Hermione ran to the bathroom, ignoring McGonaggall's (who ended up giving Pansy detention after Blaise snitched) call for her. Again, she locked herself in one of the stalls, wrapping her arms around herself so tight it hurt. It hurt more when she started digging her nails into her arms, but it also made it better. Subconsciously realizing that, she reached under her shirt and started painfully scratching herself. When she finally caught herself doing it, she stopped immediately. She furrowed her brows, not understanding why she did it so aggressively. It confused her more why it felt so good.

She wiped her tears and picked herself up. After splashing some water on her face, she exited the bathroom to her next class: potions. Of course, the only available seat was next to Draco. Without sparing him another glance, she sat down, opening her books and darting to start writing notes.

Draco felt bad for what happened with Pansy during the first period. He felt guilty for not saying anything too. Hermione didn’t seem to mind though. She would’ve said something if it bothered her. At least that’s what Draco figured.

“Partner up with the person sitting next to you! You have this period to write a project plan on making anti-paralysis potion. Whisper!” Snape bellowed.

“Do you know what page paralysis is on?” Draco asked Hermione, who ignored him. He looked over her shoulder and saw the page number, getting his answer anyways. “What’s got your knickers in a bunch?”

“I don’t think you want to be heard talking about my knickers. Who knows, someone might get the wrong idea. Maybe you shouldn’t be seen talking to me at all.” Hermione angrily spat at him. Draco’s guilt intensified. He understood her anger. After all, he  _ did _ ignore her when they weren’t alone. His guilt transferred into silence, angering Hermione more. “I mean seriously. I  _ saved _ your life  _ and _ kept your secret. For fucks sake. You won’t even  _ talk _ or acknowledge my existence unless we’re alone, even though you and I both know nobody knows you better than I do.” He knew what she was saying was true. She was right. He had been treating her like shit, even though she had been nothing but nice to him.

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“‘I’m sorry’? You can take your ‘sorry’ and shove it up your ass, Malfoy. I don’t need it.” Hermione retorted.

“What do you need? What can I do?” Draco asked.

“There’s nothing you can do! You can’t change who you are. Your morals and twisted values. I can’t change who I am. My blood status, or the fact that my very existence embarrasses you!” You could hear the hurt dripping in Hermione’s voice, and the pain in her eyes made it that much worse. Draco didn’t say anything after that.

During lunch Hermione sat in the courtyard. There were a few kids who ate their lunch outside so she wasn’t exactly alone. Once in a while Blaise would join her and they’d sit together. He always brought her some lunch too. At this point, Hermione was relying on the people around her to keep her fed. God knows how she was going to spend 2 weeks alone.

She was sitting on a bench, the sun was radiating on her face while Hermione read a book. Even though it was in the middle of winter, the sun warmed her, well she was warmer than she usually would be. Lately she was cold all the time.

The warmth ended abruptly when a shadow came over. Hermione looked up to see Draco standing over her.

“I’m not embarrassed.” Draco said as he sat down across Hermione. He handed her a sandwich as he dug into his. Hermione put her book down and picked up the sandwich.

“Thank you.” She said. They spent the rest of lunch in silence. The pair got a few odd glances, but they both shrugged it off. Hermione smiled when they were finished, although she felt a bit nauseous. 


	14. Trip home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! depression and suicide (thoughts; not a graphic attempt)

“Are you sure? Trust me, my mom won’t mind. Sometimes I think she loves you more than Ron.” Ginny said as she closed her suitcase.

“No, it’s okay, Gin. I wouldn’t want to bother Ron and Harry. I’ll make up with them after Christmas.” Hermione assured Ginny as she packed away a few last things.

“Can you at least just stop by? Mom already knitted you a sweater, you know.” Ginny pleaded.

“I’ll think about it.” Hermione said, ending the conversation.

When Hermione got to the station, a wave of anxiety hit her. She had no one to sit with. She’d been awfully recluded since the first year. Harry, Ron and Ginny were her friends. The rest were just acquaintances who she only talked to when her friends were around. She made up with Draco, and she decided not to worry about Blaise and Theo anymore. They were her friends. Unfortunately, whether she liked it or not, they were Slytherin. There was no way she could sit with them and their other Slytherin friends. They wouldn’t let her, probably.

Hermione’s thoughts were interrupted by Blaise nudging her.

“Ready to go in? You can sit with us.” Blaise offered, as if reading her mind. He was always considerate and empathetic.

“No, I couldn’t. Your-” Hermione started, but was interrupted by Theo wrapping his arm around her.

“We won’t hear another word. You’re coming with us. Unless your asshole friends have finally apologized.” Theo said with a squeez.

“They’re not assholes.” Hermione defended. “Well not always, anyways.”

“I think I have my answer.” Theo grinned as he pushingly led her inside.

Hermione sat next to Blaise and Theo sat across her. The train hadn’t started moving yet. They would have to wait 10 more minutes. They made a little smalltalk while they waited.

“So, Hermione. Do you have any Christmas plans?” Theo asked.

“Not really. My parents are celebrating their anniversary in Paris, so I’ll be alone. I was going to go to the Burrow, but, well, you know.” Hermione didn’t really feel like going into detail.

“Ah. Well I’m no stranger to lone Christmas’. Lucky for me Blaise always got my back. His mom is the best.” Theo beamed, as Blaise smiled.

“Yeah, she’s the best. Do you get along with your parents, ‘Mia?” Blaise inquired.

“Sure. They’ve done so much for me, accepted me.” It was true. Hermione loved her parents. Although lately they’d been growing apart. They just didn’t have anything in common. Her parents couldn’t relate to her, and she couldn’t relate to them. They got on fine, but they never really talked. “I love them. A lot.”

“That’s nice.” Hermione’s head snapped up. Draco was standing in the doorway. He nodded to Hermione in acknowledgment then he frowned towards Theo and Blaise. “You didn’t wait for me.”

“You were taking too long.” Blaise shrugged. Draco muttered an insult at Blaise and nudged Theo as he sat down next to him. 

“So, what are we talking about?” Draco asked.

“We were talking about our Christmas plans. You have anything special planned, Draco?” Hermione asked. Theo and Blaise tensed up. Draco did too, but it was barely noticeable. He quickly spoke up as if everything was normal, but the truth is, he had the worst anxiety about going home, seeing his father again.

“No, just the usual awkward family celebration. Hopefully they decide to leave the day after Christmas.” 

“You’re always welcome at my place.” Blaise offered. “You too Hermione.”

“That’s nice, Blaise, but it’s okay. Really. I can catch up on my reading.” Hermione said with a soft smile directed at her friend. It seems her fears about Blaise being ashamed of her were silly. He obviously didn’t care that Hermione was muggleborn, or if she spent Christmas with him and his mom. He wasn’t embarrassed.

“What do you mean? Aren’t you spending it with Weasel and Pottyhead?” Draco asked with a confused glance on his face. Hermione rolled her eyes, but didn’t correct Draco on what he called her friends, which she usually always did.

“Seriously man? Haven’t you kept up at all with what’s going on. They’re not friends anymore.” Theo said, to which Hermione smacked him on his knee.

“We’re still friends! Just not getting along right now. We’ll be fine after break.” Hermione defended. 

“Well if you’re not fine, don’t you think you fit way better in our friend group? We don’t treat you like crap.” Blaise told her with a grin and a squeeze on her knee. Hermione’s heart fluttered when Blaise said that. Having heard it aloud, that he wants her in his friend group and the others didn’t protest, it made her feel loved. Still, she defended her friends.

“They don’t treat me like crap.  _ I _ treat them like crap. It’s my fault we’re fighting.”

“That’s hard to believe. What did you do?” Theo asked.

“I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have.” Hermione said in a small voice. A silence fell over in their cabin, the boys realizing she didn’t want to say anything more on the subject. The silence was interrupted by Pansy storming in.

“What is  _ she _ doing in  _ my _ spot?” Pansy sneered. Even though lately tensions were high between the boys and Pansy, she always sat with them in the train. Ever since the first year it was the 4 of them entering the train together, and leaving it too. The group grew up together and it was only natural to be together in the first year and it formed a tradition in the years after, even when they grew apart and found new friends. Theo and Pansy got along fine most of the time, Blaise tolerated her, but Draco had grown to severely dislike her and the feeling was mutual. Still, their rivalry never caused him to exclude her when the group was together, so it was a shock to her when she found her seat occupied by none other than Hermione Granger.

“Don’t see your name on it, Parkinson.” Hermione retorted with a smug look on her face. She was still angry at the girl.

“Theo!” Pansy ignored Hermione and turned to Theo for some support. “Do something!”

“Sorry, Pans. First come, first go.” Theo said apologetically. Pansy was one of his closest friends, but he never agreed with her morals, and after hearing what she said to Hermione from his friends, he couldn’t help but feel slightly angry.

“You’re going to regret this.” Pansy said with a glare directed at everyone in the compartment, before storming away. She (surprisingly) had other friends she could sit with, but she was hurt by her oldest friends choosing Hermione over her. 

“She didn’t call me a mudblood this time. I think that’s growth.” Hermione joked, easing the tensions in the room. It earned a few laughs from the boys.

Soon enough they felt the train start moving. They spent the rest of the train ride talking and playing games. Draco bought them all some snacks. He was hoping that his mom would be picking him up, and that his father stayed home. If he looked through the windows and noticed him sitting with Hermione Granger, Draco would never hear the end of it, though he doubted his mom would care, or even recognize Hermione.

During the ride Hermione felt eternal gratefulness. If at the beginning of the semester you would’ve told her she would be riding back from Hogwarts with Theo, Blaise and especially Draco, she would’ve told you you were crazy. Now she was not only sitting in the same carriage as them, but they were her friends. Not even just acquaintances, but actual friends.

As they were nearing the station she started to feel a bit guilty, as she hadn’t gotten any of them gifts for Christmas. Granted, it’s not like they really needed anything, but still friends gave each other presents for Christmas, no matter how useless.

She decided she could do a bit of last minute shopping and owl them their gifts. It’s a good thing she now knew Theo was spending the holidays with Blaise, so she could owl both their presents to Blaise’s house.

The train came to a halt. Draco looked outside and was relieved to see Dobby. It seems both his parents were too busy to pick him up. The group grabbed their bags, Theo insisted on carrying Hermione’s. The youngest Nott was known to be quite the womanizer. his manners were impeccable and made a lot of girls swoon. His good looks sure helped his cause. Hermione used to judge him for it, but now it was coming out in her favor. Besides, he always treated women with respect. Under different circumstances, maybe Hermione would swoon for him too, but they were strictly friends.

Outside stood Nott sr., who came to pick up his son before he left for vacation, with a cold look on his face and Blaise’s mom. She looked like she was in her thirties. You’d think being a serial killer would age you, but she looked great. Warm, even. Very motherly. Her appearance reminded Hermione a bit of Molly Weasley. Her eyes shot out for the familiar woman. She found her standing next to her husband, both waiting for their children. It saddened Hermione a bit that her parents weren’t there waiting for her, but she knew they would’ve stayed if she asked them to, so she figured it was her own fault. She wanted to go say hi to the Weasley’s before they left, after all, they were like her second family.

“Do you want a lift home? I’m sure mom wouldn’t mind apparating with you; a little detour.” Blaise offered, snapping Hermione out of her thoughts.

“Oh, no. That’s okay. I don’t live that far from here.” Hermione declined. It was a slight lie. She lived a good half hour away, but didn’t want to be a bother. Besides, her parents had already left her fare for the trip home. 

“Well, okay then. Have a happy Christmas, Hermione. Owl me if you change your mind about spending the holidays alone.” Blaise said. He then caught Hermione off guard by pulling her in for a bone crushing hug. She quickly recovered and hugged him back.

When she let go she turned to Theo. She saw his father impatiently looking so she didn’t expect him to pay her goodbye. She was surprised when he leaned down to kiss her cheek, making sure his father saw. Theo didn’t have the same fear for his father as Draco. He loathed his absent father and did anything he could to aggravate the man. Openly showing affection for a muggleborn did just that.

“Happy Christmas, Hermione.” Theo said as Hermione blushed and rolled her eyes.

“Happy Christmas, Theodore.” Hermione said annoyed, but at least it earned her one last playful glare from Theo for calling him by his full name. Hermione waved one last time to Blaise and was then left alone with Draco.

“Have a Happy Christmas, Draco. I hope it’s not too bad.” Hermione said as she turned to him.

“Yeah, whatever. Happy Christmas.” Draco wished her before turning away towards Dobby. It was a lazy wish, but it meant a lot coming from Draco. Even though they’d made up, it was still a little bit awkward between the two.

“I see you’re still fraternizing with the enemy.” Hermione heard someone say behind her, Ron. She knew he didn’t really mean it, or maybe he did a little bit, but he was mostly just trying to hurt her, because she hurt him.

“Come on, Ronald. You know I’m sorry.” She turned to him. She was going to have to apologize sooner or later, might as well do it now.

“Doesn’t look like it. It looks like you’re really getting on with those Death Eaters. Easily replaced us.” Ron spat. His voice was venomous but Hermione kept telling herself it was because he was hurt.

“They’re not Death Eaters, nor your replacement. You know that. I’m sorry for what I said, Ron. I really am.” Hermione said genuinely.

“Yeah, well you should be. All I was trying-” Ron was interrupted by Harry stepping out of the train.

“Hey, you finally made up! Took you long enough.” Harry exclaimed obviously. “Are you coming to the Burrow, ‘Mione?”

“We  _ haven’t _ made up and she’s  _ not _ coming.” Ron said with a glare. Hermione’s heart faltered a bit, at her friends’ stubbornness to forgive her. Harry was obviously ready. She was hurt and started to get annoyed.

“I apologized already. Do with that what you want. If you don’t want to accept it, that’s on you.” Hermione said as she crossed her arms.

“Come on, Ron. This has gone on long enough, don’t you think? Besides, it’s tradition for us to spend Christmas together at the Burrow.” Harry tried to reason with his friend. He started to miss Hermione a while ago, but didn’t want to hurt Ron more by hanging out with her. He did really want them both for Christmas, though.

“The Burrow is for friends. We’re not her friends. Hermione has obviously replaced us already with her Death Eater friends. She doesn’t need us anymore.” And with that last jab at Hermione, he spun on his heel and left. His words really hurt Hermione. She felt tears start to prick at her eyes.

“He didn’t mean that, Hermione. He’s just angry. Give him some time. I’ll talk to him.” Harry offered Hermione. She didn’t reply, just glanced away from him, not wanting him to see the tears in her eyes. Harry saw them though, but chose not to say anything about it. “Happy Christmas, ‘Mione.” Usually he’d hug her, but he saw Ron looking at them out of the corner of his eye and decided against it, not wanting to hurt Ron more. 

Harry left her. Hermione didn’t wish him a Happy Christmas. She left the station as fast as possible. The moment she got outside and out of sight of other students, she let her tears finally fall. She felt betrayed by Harry. He was so disgusted by her he didn’t even hug her. Ron didn’t even want to associate himself with her.

She got into a taxi. The chauffeur asked her if she was okay and she brushed it off. When she got home she rushed to her room and crawled in bed. She cried for what felt for hours. All those tears didn’t lift a weight, not even a little bit. Hours later she still felt just as bad. Nothing could make her feel better. She thought back to the bathroom. The scratching. It made her feel better. Hermione shook the thought out of her head. It was silly. She decided to go watch the TV. She hasn’t seen an episode of ‘Orange is the new black’ in ages; she had a lot to catch up on.

She was trying to keep up with what was going on. She’d longed for this for so long, but she couldn’t get the pit in her stomach to subside. Her mind trickled back to the thought she had earlier on. Hermione fidgeted with her hands. She needed to get her mind off of everything. The TV clearly wasn’t helping her case. She got off the couch and headed to the bathroom.

When she was a kid, whenever she was upset her mom would draw her a bath. She used to tell Hermione it would wash all her troubles away, and Hermione believed her. As she got older she kept loving baths. 

As the water was filling the tub, Hermione stripped down. She looked at herself in the mirror. Hermione had always been painfully self aware. She knew all her flaws. She always focused on them, but she also knew she didn’t have to worry. At least, she never has. Not about her appearance or people’s perception of her. She was aware she wasn’t ever the prettiest girl in the room, but she thought she wasn’t the ugliest either. At the end of the day, Hermione was pretty secure being Hermione. This all changed around the third year. The girls were suddenly taller, prettier. The boys suddenly started noticing. All Hermione ever heard were backhanded compliments and accidental critiques from Ron. Of course, she had her glow-up in the fourth year. She was not only one of the prettiest girls in her year, but also one of the prettiest at Hogwarts. Her beauty rivaled those of the upper years. Everyone knew it; everyone except Hermione. Then again, how could she? Ron still acted as if Hermione wasn’t a girl, and Harry was like her brother. And as much as they disliked it, all the other boys still avoided her due to the constant rumors that she was dating Harry. Some girls were jealous and made shitty remarks about Hermione's appearance on a daily basis. Hermione was never one to care about others’ opinions, but it was bound to hit at some point. 

She looked at herself and then turned around, looking at herself from all angles. She poked at her ribs, which were sticking out slightly. She sucked in as hard as she could so she could see her ribs more defined. She didn’t remember her body looking like that. It looked so brittle. She could see the skin stretched over her knees. It scared her how detached they looked. The curves she once hated after persistent comments from Lavender about her weight, though she never cared enough to do anything about her insecurities. Her face looked tired and eyes hollowed out. She looked… broken. She was broken inside, and broken outside. At least now she matched.

Hermione turned up the music and climbed into the tub. She grabbed her loofah and the soap. She started scrubbing aways at the dirt that wasn’t there. Scrubbing at her troubles and her sins, lucky for her they were all washable.. Right? 

She scrubbed harder. She felt tears starting to fall. Everything started to hit her. She had no friends, no one liked her, she was so hard to love, nobody would even love her for her body. She was broken, and she didn’t want to be. She started whimpering, cries escaping her mouth. She just wanted to be fixed. No matter how hard she scrubbed at her skin, which was now sore and red, she didn’t feel better. Her troubles weren’t washed away.

She screamed out and threw the loofah across the bathroom. She hugged her knees as she cried. She wanted to block everything out. Hermione submerged her head into the water. Then everything was quiet. Her troubles finally gone. She shut her eyes and focused on Kids by Current Joys that was playing. It was drowned out because she was under water. She felt like a kid again; at peace.

The peace was soon disturbed. It was starting to get replaced by a burning feeling. Hermione tried to breathe in but couldn’t. Now she felt trapped. She knew she was crying, but her tears were merging with the water. She couldn’t take it much longer. She resurfaced, coughing and gasping. Hermione started hyperventilating. She sat there heaving. It went on for so long that the water turned cold, her lips were almost blue.

Hermione snapped out of it and got out of the bath. She wrapped herself in towels, still shivering. She dried off and climbed into her bed, confused by what happened in the bathroom. She tried to get warm, but spent the whole night shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was obviously very dark. An eating disorder usually comes hand in hand with a lot of other mental health issues. Hermione already had a lot of anxiety that sparked her ED and now she's spiraling down a hole of depression. She has a lot of self hatred towards herself which has resulted in a lot of self deprecating behavior. It's like she's losing control kind of.


	15. Chapter 15

Hermione woke up with a painful headache. The events of the previous night were still running in her head. She glanced at the clock. It was noon already. She got up and got dressed. She wore jeans and a sweater that was layered with a long sleeve T-shirt and a turtleneck. She couldn’t seem to shake the cold feeling, though.

She went downstairs and brewed some coffee. She still needed to buy presents for her friends. Christmas was in a few days. She grabbed a purse and headed to the city.

She had quite a lot of money saved up so she splurged on everyone’s presents. She got Ginny a Vera Wang sweater, Harry a new pair of glasses; he has been wearing the same pair of glasses for the past 5 years. There were only so many spells that could help those glasses. Blaise, Draco and Theo had everything they could ever wish for. Except for anything muggle. Blaise rivaled her intellect so she thought it was best to get him an E-reader. She got Theo a nintendo switch. Draco was a bit tricky. She ended up settling on a bond touch bracelet. If she or him touched the bracelet, a vibration would mimic the touch, letting the other know. She got Ron a lazy gift, just some muggle sweets. 

After all the shopping and the carrying around the heavy bags, Hermione needed to sit down. She was getting a bit dizzy. She sat down at a small café and ordered another coffee. Her hands were still shaking from the cup she had this morning (at least that’s what she told herself).

Hermione was wrapped up in her thoughts when a vaguely familiar voice interrupted them. Her head shot up. The person whose voice it was stopped dead in her tracks. “Hermione Granger? Is that really you?” A preppy blonde girl squealed.

“Tiana?” Hermione asked in shock. Tiana Taylor was Hermione’s childhood best friend. They still talked on and off during the holidays in her first year, but soon lost contact.

“I haven’t seen you in ages! How’ve you been?” The girl said as she sat down in the chair opposite to Hermione.

“Fine, fine. What about you?” The two girls spent a couple hours catching up. It was like they had never stopped being friends at all. It was refreshing to talk to a girl Hermione’s age. Hermione had never been a girly-girl. Most of her friends were boys, apart from Ginny, but to be fair Hermione was only friends with her by default. Ginny was just always there. Tiana was the only girl Hermione had been close friends- best friends with. Although Tiana was completely different now, the love was still there.

“So, Hermione. This preppy private school has probably got you very stressed. I remember how much you loved being at the top of the class. Are you concentrating okay?” Hermione thought the question was odd, but she hadn’t talked to Tiana in years. Things change.

“Well, it’s hard, not going to lie. But I manage.”  _ Barely _ .

“Ah. Well, I used to get shitty grades, but the past year I’ve been top of my class. My guidance counselor said I’m well on my way to an Ivy league school.” This surprised Hermione. Tiana was never the smartest of the bunch. She had trouble with basic maths and was actually the class clown. Just goes to show how much people change, Hermione guessed. “Wanna know my secret?”

“Sure, I’d love to.” Hermione was genuinely intrigued.

“I have this friend called Adderall.” Tiana said. Hermione’s eyebrows furrowed. She didn’t know exactly what Adderall was, but has heard whispers here and there. It was a drug of some sorts.

“Oh.” Hermione didn’t really know what to say.

“Don’t look at me like that, ‘Mione. It’s not a bad drug, not like heroin. It was literally created to help people focus. Doctors prescribe it to kids all the time.” Tiana brushed it off.

“You were prescribed it?” Hermione inquired.

“God no. There’s a shortcut. You want in? I promise it’s worth it.” Tiana offered.

“No. No, thank you.” Hermione politely declined.

“Okay, but call me if-  _ when _ you change your mind.” The conversation fell quiet and awfully awkward after that. Tiana offered to drive Hermione home after they were done talking, but Hermione decided to walk home. She figured some exercise would do her good.

When she got home she wrapped all the gifts and wrote everyone a note. After she finished the famine hit her. It felt rather painful really. Then Hermione realized this was the longest she had ever been without eating. She felt rather proud that she didn’t even feel it until just now. She guessed a little snack wouldn’t be so bad. She headed for the fridge, only to find it was completely empty. Hermione shrugged and gulped down 2 glasses of water instead of dinner. It was Christmas eve tomorrow. She could ravish in a nice meal then. She’d order it somewhere. She was very tired so she decided to go to sleep

The next morning when she woke up she felt nauseous. She could barely sit straight when she got up. Everything was spinning. When she stood up she fell to the ground. There was a sharp sting in her stomach. She clutched her side, while she lay there on the ground. Tears were starting to prick her eyes. The shortness of breath made her hyperventilate. After a while of lying down, the pain subsided, or well, she got used to pain enough to bare it. The struggle down the flight of stairs was ruthless, but she made it. She got into the kitchen. Hermione knew it had been too long. She knew this was her fault. She knew she  _ had _ to eat. The only food left was canned beans from the pantry. Hermione struggled to get the can open. While she was trying to figure out how it worked, black spots started clouding her vision. Before she knew it, everything went black, and she was on the ground.

_ BANG! BANG! BANG! _

Hermione groaned. Her head was banging too. Where was that noise coming from? She tried to focus on her surroundings, when she realized she was on the ground. What happened? Why was she on the ground?

“HERMIONE?!” Did someone just call her name? Wasn’t she alone? She sat up and held her head in her hands. The doorbell rang. Someone was holding it in rather long.

“I’m coming, I’m coming!” Hermione screamed annoyed. She had to catch her breath from the scream. Then she stood up, but had to steady herself on the counter for a second. There was another bang. Hermione impatiently and angrily made her way to the door while leaning on the wall. Small black spots were appearing again. She squinted as she pulled open the door.

“I knew we should’ve just apparated inside.” A voice said.

“That would’ve been rude!” Another said.

“WHA-” Hermione began to angrily scream, but stopped in her tracks.

“Took you long enough. What were you doing? Is there someone in there?” Theo suggestively moved his eyebrows, before leaning down to kiss Hermione’s cheek. Hermione was still in shock and let him brush right past her into her house.

“Happy Christmas, Hermione.” Blaise said as he pulled her into a hug.

“H- Happy Christmas.” She stuttered out. Blaise entered the house too. Hermione closed the door behind her and quickly ran after the boys, who went into her living room. “Not that I’m not thrilled to see you, but what are you doing here exactly?”

“We couldn’t let you celebrate Christmas alone now could we?” Blaise said with a grin. He pulled out 2 presents out of his pocket. Extension spell. He proceeded to pull out full on meals and placed them onto the living room table.

“Geez, Hermione. I was only kidding, but do you actually have a poor bloke in your bed?” Theo asked.

“No! Of course not. Why would you even suggest that?” Hermione recoiled.

“You don’t look at all happy that we’re here.” Theo explained. “Actually, you look quite terrible. You’ve got after-shag hair.”

“Wow, thanks a lot Theo. Just what any girl wants to hear from a guy.” Hermione said sarcastically as she rolled her eyes. “I’m very happy you’re here. I’m just feeling a bit under the weather.”

“Well, this chicken soup is just the cure for that.” Blaise said, holding a take-our container filled with soup in the air.

“Merlin, how much food did you bring?”

“A lot. Hope you have an appetite.” Blaise replied, as he kept on pulling out food.

“I’m ravished. Let me go get changed. I’ll be right down.” Hermione rushed away to her room.

She pulled out a fancy black dress. It had long sleeves and lace all over. Hermione’s mom had gotten it for her when she performed in a local talent show with the piano. Hermione won first place of course. It was her favorite dress she owned. Hermione slipped it on, but frowned when she looked in the mirror. The dress usually hugged her curves, but was now just hanging off her, like she was some kind of clothes hanger. If she stayed up here much longer, the boys would come looking for her. 

Hermione pulled out a sewing kit from under her bed. She took out a few safety pins and started pinning the dress to her body until she was satisfied. With one more look she grabbed Theo and Blaise’s presents and headed downstairs.

“I was racking my brain thinking of what to get people that already have everything,” Hermione joked as she made it down the last few steps, entering the living room. “When I realized you  _ don’t _ have everything. Magic is great, but modern technology is honestly just as magical.”

“Oh ‘Mione you didn’t have to get us anything.” Blaise said politely, even though he was intrigued by what was in the carefully wrapped packages.

“Speak for yourself!” Theo exclaimed excitedly, earning a small laugh from Hermione. She found his sometimes child-like presence endearing. “Which one’s mine?!”

“Theo, don’t be rude! Weren’t you raised better than this?” Blaise scolded. Unlike Theo, Blaise acted like a proper, polite adult. He was very caring, but also very mature. Blaise was always the ‘parent’ friend in the group. Theo and Draco would be lost without him. Kind of like Hermione was with Harry and Ron.

“No.” Theo replied with a passive aggressive blink. Blaise shot the boy an apologetic grin. He sometimes forgot that his friends weren’t raised with the same loving devotion as he was. It was sad, but most Pureblood parents viewed their children as politics and treated them like it too. Theo’s homelife had been rocky. His mother died at a young age. Theo’s dad spent no time remarrying. The boy didn’t get along with his stepmother or his father, and always blamed them for the sorrow in his life. He took out all his anger with retaliation in the forms of detention and silly pranks.

“Here.” Hermione broke the awkward tension by handing both boys their gifts. Blaise handed her theirs. Theo got her a book with grey-area magic, meaning it was filled with spells schools wouldn’t teach, but they weren’t exactly illegal. It spiked Hermione’s interests, always wanting to learn new things. Blaise got her beautiful earrings that had green gems centering them. They matched the necklace Draco gave her perfectly, no doubt Blaise’s intention.

“Basically, any book you ever want is on here. It also saves your page and lets you highlight any interesting quotes.” Hermione finished explaining the concept of an E-reader to Blaise, who looked at it with wide eyes. He was genuinely thrilled with the gadget and wondered why wizards hadn’t invented something similar.

“It’s amazing. Hermione. Thank you!” Blaise said as he kissed her cheek. Hermione had already shown Theo how a nintendo switch works. He was going to have trouble putting it down. The boy was mesmerised with the endless games the thing seemed to have. 

Hermione’s stomach let out a strong grumble. It finally snapped Theo out of his thoughts. “Blimey, you haven’t had breakfast yet! You must be starving. Let’s go eat!” 

Hermione hated how relieved she felt when he said that. Her relief was mixed with slight disgust and confusion, but she tried pushing it away. She had ruined so much for herself already, she couldn’t ruin Christmas too. Especially since she was sharing it with her 2 friends.

After Hermione giddily showed Theo how to switch off his new toy, they sat down around the table. Hermione was ashamed of how she was eating, in front of boys no less. Her parents had taught her better than to pig out like this. Her thoughts made her abruptly stop eating, the fork stopping right before her mouth. Blaise took notice.

“Is something the matter?” He commented.

“No, no. Everything’s perfect.” Hermione politely brushed off, but she felt like screaming on the inside. The rest of dinner Hermione was absent minded, but Theo filled up the silence with talk about complaints of his father. Blaise opened up about his happy childhood. The absence of a lasting father figure never dented him. The boys inquired about Hermione’s family life. She didn’t tell them much. There wasn’t much to tell. Her home life was pretty average.

After dinner they watched a few movies. Again, Theo and Blaise were amazed. Hermione thought the looks of bewilderment on their faces were adorable. She was happy they were here, she was happy she wasn’t alone, but she couldn’t help but feel guilty for keeping them away from Blaise’s family. She couldn’t help but feel she didn’t deserve this.

Hermione’s attention was stolen by a loud noise. Her head snapped up to see Theo fast asleep and snoring. His loud snore caught Blaise’s attention too. 

“Is this dickwad actually sleeping?” He exclaimed as he cocked his brow. Hermione laughed while Blaise hit Theo’s head with a throw pillow, waking the boy up.

“Ow!” Theo dramatically exclaimed as he grabbed his head. “What was that for?”

“You fell asleep while Kevin Mcallister is trying to save his family home from being robbed!” Blaise exclaimed.

“It’s all right, Blaise. You must both be tired.” Hermione glanced at the clock 22:17. “It’s getting late. Did you guys want to spend the night? We have 2 guestrooms.” Hermione offered. She could practically hear her mother scowling her for even suggesting two teenage boys spend the night unsupervised.  _ It’s not proper, Hermione _ , she would say.

“Thanks for offering, but I’m afraid mom wouldn’t have it.” Blaise declined. It sparked a question on how they even got here.

“How did you even get here? Minors can’t apparate alone.”

“My elf apparated us to your house. Mom said she’d be by to pick us up around ten thirty. She’s dying to meet you, you know.” Blaise said. Hermione blushed a bit. It was also quite surprising that an older Pureblood would want to meet Hermione. Maybe Blaise’s mom thought she was a half-blood.

“It’s true! She said she’s happy Blaise finally made a friend who wasn’t a dumbass.” Theo admitted. The whole room filled up with snickers. Blaise’s mom was the closest thing Theo had to an actual mom. She treated him like he was her own son, too. Whenever she took Blaise to Diagon Alley, she insisted Theo come with them. And she always invited him for the holidays. Hermione had a warm feeling about the woman.

“Does she know about… me?” Hermione asked in a small voice.

“Yeah, but mom’s not like that. She doesn’t care about the whole blood purity bullshit. Her third and fifth husbands were half bloods.” Blaise said, earning a wide grin from Hermione.

After a little more conversing, Blaise’s mom popped up in front of them. She brushed off her skirt and wore a big smile. Her hair was shiny and black and up in a braided bun.

“So, you must be Hermione.” Hermione smiled and raised her hand, but was pulled into a warm, motherly embrace. “I think we’re at the point where hugging is appropriate. I feel like I know you already, both my boys won’t stop yapping about you.” mrs. Zabini said. It warmed Hermione from the inside. Theo too; it felt nice to be referred to as someone’s ‘boy’. He felt loved, which wasn’t a common occurrence. 

“I hope all good things.” Hermione joked as she wiggled out of the tight grip.

“I doubt there’s anything bad to tell.” Mrs. Zabini said as she cupped Hermione’s cheeks. She was treating her like a little girl. Hermione would do anything to be a carefree little girl again. “Blaise tells me you’re here alone for the holidays. Would you like to come join us? It would be nice to have a girl around for a little while.”

“That’s very considerate, thank you, but I’m fine here. Honestly. And besides, my parents will be home for the last few days. I’d like to spend some time with them before school starts.” Hermione declined politely.

“Very well. If you change your mind just owl.”

“Thank you, mrs. Zabini.”

“Oh please honey, call me Clarisse.” Hermione smiled at the woman in front of her. “Well boys, hope you had fun, but it’s time to go now.”

Theo and Blaise got up off the couch and grabbed their presents. They thanked her one last time and wished her a happy Christmas, before kissing both her cheeks at the same time and vanishing away with mrs. Zabini.

The moment they left, Hermione found herself lost in a trance. She felt empty and alone, even though seconds earlier she was giddy and surrounded by friends. Before she knew it, she was back in the bathroom. She was freaking out. Hermione didn’t even notice the tears streaming down her face, and sobs escaping her mouth. Her breath was ragged and hitched. She found her hands curling up into fists and hitting her head. Her hair intertwined with her fingers, and she pulled, and pulled, and pulled.

After a while she crashed to the ground, lying face down, motionless and numb. Hermione was disappointed in what she’d become. She barely recognized herself when she looked in the mirror. She wasn’t the same girl she was at the beginning of the school year. She didn’t even notice all the changes until this very moment. It was worse that nothing caused these changes. Nothing was different from every other year at school, yet everything felt different. She hated herself for not being happy. She had friends now who truly understood her. It was never like this with Harry and Ron. Why wasn’t she the happiest she’d ever been? She had to do better. 

It was school. School had been killing all her happiness. She needed to find a way to fix it, a way to let her be happy. The name that had been circulating the back of her mind for a while. Tiana Taylor.

Hermione got off the floor and grabbed the house phone and dialed the number of the Taylors’ house phone.

“Hi, mrs. Taylor. Happy Christmas. Is Tiana there?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking about writing in a love interest for Blaise because he's amazing and deserves good things, but I'm worried it would take away from the story, you know? There's already a lot going on. Hermione's ED is already kind of sharing the spotlight with her relationship with Draco + Draco's issues haven't been a big plot point either. So I'm really debating if I should add another something in the mix, or maybe wait until Hermione's started recovering? Idk what do you think? Thanks for reading, I love seeing comments, let me know what you think. <333


	16. Back at school

Hermione took a deep breath as she stood in front of the familiar station. Her anxiety was up a bit about going back to school. She was fidgeting the whole trip here. She was worried about seeing her Gryffindor friends again. Harry, Ginny and Molly had sent her Christmas gifts. Ron hadn’t sent her anything, nor thanked her for her lazy gift. It hurt her a little bit, but she found solace in the fact that Harry didn’t seem to be mad at her anymore. Without the support of his best friend, Ron would soon forget about his anger. Though she doubted if she sat with her Slytherin friends it would help her case. Maybe she should just sit alone this time. She could catch up on some reading. 

Hermione pulled out an orange bottle and poured out some pills on her hand. She counted them, she only had 15 pills left, but Tiana said she would send her more via post. She swallowed one and shoved the rest back into her pocket. Then she made her way to platform 9 ¾. It was still quite early so the platform was mostly empty.

Lost in her thoughts, time flew Hermione by. Before she knew it, the platform was filling up and getting quite crowded. She snapped out of her thoughts when she felt someone brush up against her arm. Her head cocked to the side: Harry. Hermione was wary of how she was supposed to be around him; it was still a bit awkward between the two. All her worries washed away though when Harry smiled at her. She smiled back.

“Hi, ‘Mione.” 

“Hi, Harry. Have a happy Christmas?” 

“Yes. It would’ve been better with you though. What about you?” Harry asked.

“It was,” Hermione thought about telling him about how she actually spent her holidays, with Blaise and Theo, but decided to hold her tongue. Harry would probably be happy Hermione wasn’t alone, but if it made its way to Ron, he’d probably be even angrier with Hermione. “Fine.”

“That’s great. Thank you for the glasses. I really needed new one's.”

“Don’t mention it.” Hermione replied giving him a friendly nudge. “Thanks for the book. I really enjoyed it.” Harry owled her a book about the creation of wizarding schools and wizarding subjects. Hermione read it in one go.

“I thought you would.” Harry smiled and pulled her into a surprise hug. The tension was finally lessened. “I really miss you. I know it doesn’t seem like it but Ron misses you too. He even got you a gift, but chickened out of sending it out.”

“I miss you too,” Hermione finally said and returned the hug. Her head was buried in his chest. The boy that she once teased for being so short, was now towering over Hermione. It made Hermione smile into his Weasley sweater before she let go. “I tried with Ron, but he doesn’t want to hear anything that comes out of my mouth.” 

“He just needed a bit of time. Come sit with us. I promise he’ll be civil.” Before Hermione could accept his offer, she felt herself being lifted into a tight hug. She squealed out.

“Hey ‘Mia!” Blaise exclaimed. When Hermione realized it was Blaise who hugged her, she hugged him right back tightly.

“Blaise! How were the rest of your holidays?” She asked.

“Great! You should’ve spent New Years with us too. It would’ve been so much more fun with you.” He beamed, causing Hermione to blush a bit. Harry furrowed his brows at the pair. Had they spent time on the holidays together?

“Well, I’m glad you had fun. Where’s Theo?” She inquired, noticing the absence of crass and sarcastic comments.

“The dumbass forgot one of his bags. Mom apparated home with him. They’ll be back in a bit.” Blaise rolled his eyes in annoyance. “Have you seen Draco anywhere?”

“No, I haven’t. He’s probably running late again.”

“Typical. Well, let’s get going then. We can get the best spots if we’re first in the train.” Blaise assumed she’d be sitting with them now too, not even noticing Harry’s presence. Harry’s face faltered a bit as he thought Hermione would opt to go with her newfound friend. He couldn’t blame her. After all, he hadn’t exactly been a great friend to her.

“Actually, Blaise, I was going to sit with Harry if that’s alright.” Hermione said in a soft tone. She suddenly felt horrible. What if Blaise was going to be hurt or angry now? What if he didn’t want to be friends with her if she chose Harry over him? Hermione would feel terrible to lose him.

“Of course! I’m glad you made up.” Blaise’s facial expression washed away her worries. He was genuinely happy she had made up with her oldest friend. He felt terrible when he saw how guilty she felt about the whole situation. “I’ll see you at school then.” He gave her shoulder one last squeeze and nodded at Harry, who returned the gesture, before disappearing into the train.

“I guess we should go grab an empty cabin too.” Hermione said. Harry agreed and they made their way inside. Both sat at opposing window seats.

“So, you spent Christmas with Blaise then?” Harry asked, interest peeking. Guilt flashed over Hermione’s face. She didn’t want Harry to think she was actually replacing him.

“Yes. It was a surprise. I was going to spend it alone, but then I woke up to Blaise and Theo banging on my front door with food and presents. I really wasn’t expecting them. Or anyone.” Hermione quickly explained with words dripping in worry. Harry obviously picked up on this.

“Hermione, you don’t owe me an explanation. I think it’s great you weren’t alone for the holidays. Perhaps those Slytherins really aren’t that bad.”

“Really? Because you, me and Ron usually spend the holidays together. I would understand if you were angry with me for-” Hermione started but was interrupted by Harry putting his hand on her knee.

“‘Mione that’s absurd. Neither I nor Ron have the right to be angry with you for spending your holidays with Blaise and Theo. You should be able to choose who you spend your time with, without Ron or me nagging at you about it. They’re your friends too, and I get that. Ron gets it too, but he’s just having a bit more trouble showing it.” Harry told her, calming her nerves a bit. He was being sincere. Harry had privately already explained to Ron that it wasn’t right for him to exclude Hermione from the holidays, nor scold her for her friend choice. In truth, Ron was just worried about Hermione. He didn’t trust Slytherins and thought they had some ulterior motive for hanging out with her. He was being protective and didn’t know how to show Hermione that he cared for her. Harry told Ron to trust Hermione’s judgment; after all, she wasn’t known as the brightest witch of her age for nothing.

“Thanks, Harry. That means a lot to me.” Hermione replied with a smile. She put her hand on his and squeezed it. As if right on que, Ron and Ginny came inside. Harry pulled away from Hermione, and she prepared herself for the scream fest she expected from Ron.

To her surprise, Ron hadn’t uttered a negative word, instead greeting her like nothing was wrong. “Hullo, Hermione.”

“H- hi, Ronald.” Hermione said with a baffled look on her face. She decided to follow suit and act like nothing was the matter.

“Hey Hermione! God I’ve missed you!” Ginny said, pulling Hermione into a tight hug as she sat down next to her. “Merlin, you’re just skin and bones now.” She noted Hermione’s even smaller frame. Hermione shifted awkwardly out of Ginny’s grip and laughed it off.

“Hi, Gin.” Hermione said in a small voice, wanting nothing more than to drown into the background. She felt as if everyone was staring at her and desperately needed the subject to change, though this moment would be on her mind, repeating itself over and over again the whole day. “Does your sweater fit okay? I could always send it back to my mom and she can exchange it for a different size.” And just like that the prior topic was forgotten by all but Hermione.

“Oh my god, Hermione! It was perfect. I can’t believe you got me a  _ Vera Wang _ sweater! I love it so much. I might even love it more than I love Ron!” Ginny exclaimed, earning laughs from Hermione and Harry, while a scowl from Ron.

“Unbelievable! I do  _ so _ much for you and you don’t even appreciate it!” Ron huffed as he crossed his arms.

“Yeah, like what?” Ginny scoffed.

“Like befriending  _ your _ crush!” Ron screamed out. He didn’t even notice himself saying it until he saw Ginny’s eyes widen and Harry suddenly finding his fingers unbelievably interesting.

“Jokes on you. I’m dating Michael now!” Ginny revealed. Obviously she didn’t think it through, as she slapped her hands on her mouth. You could practically see smoke coming out of Ron’s ears and Harry looked at her with his mouth hanging open.

“You’re what?! Over my dead body! I forbid you to date anyone!” Ron screamed, his protective, brotherly side coming out.

“Well, last time I checked I didn’t ask for your permission.” Ginny sassily screamed right back.

“Ginny! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me the moment you got together!” Hermione exclaimed, interrupting Ron’s next words. Ginny had been Hermione’s best girl friend. When it came to boys they told each other everything. Hermione rushed to Ginny the first time she and Viktor snogged and they spent nights talking about Ginny’s crush on Harry. Hermione felt hurt Ginny didn’t share it the moment they were official.

“I’m so sorry, ‘Mione, but we were going to keep it a secret. I wanted to tell you, but…” Ginny felt really guilty, but didn’t know how to handle the situation so instead an idea popped into her head: she was going to deflect all the attention and anger onto Ron. “I’m not the Weasley you should be mad at! Ron was the reason you spent your holidays alone  _ and _ he’s been a horrible friend to you!” She said as she sent a smirk in her brother's direction.

“Well, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that, ‘Mione. I shouldn’t have said all those things about, you know, fraternizing with the enemy.” Ron said awkwardly, while he scratched the back of his neck.

“It’s fine, Ron. Can we just put this all behind us? I hate fighting with you and I miss you so much.”

“I hate it too! I don’t even remember why we’re fighting in the first place.” Ron exclaimed to Hermione’s delight.

“Okay, so it’s settled then. We’re good.”

“We’re good,” Ron said with a smile. “But I do feel I’m obligated to say as your friend, I trust those Slytherins about as far as I can throw them and you really shouldn’t trust them either.”

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Your concerns have been duly noted.”

The rest of the train ride went fairly normal for the Gryffindors, but it was a whole different story for the Slytherins. Theo and Blaise were sitting in their go-to cabin, waiting for Draco to show up. Fortunately, Pansy didn’t even try to sit with them this time. The boys were in the middle of a friendly fight about Theo’s clumsiness, when Draco walked in, right before the train started. Theo and Blaise both shut up the moment they saw the sight that was their friend: Draco had a black eye and split lip. The boy sat down next to Theo in silence, not even greeting his two friends. When it became clear he wasn’t going to say anything about the state he was in, Blaise spoke up.

“Draco, I-”

“Blaise, can we not talk about it? For fucks sake.” Draco interrupted with annoyance. Blaise pursed his lips. He knew not to pry about Draco’s personal life. The boy usually kept to himself, but when he really needed to get something off his chest, he came to his friends himself. Still, it had been a while since Draco showed up to school bruised. Blaise had assumed Lucius considered Draco too old to beat.

“At least let me fix it. My mom has tutored me in healing magic.” Blaise offered.

“Are you forgetting we’re not allowed to use magic outside of school?” Draco snapped back.

“The train is school property so it’s an exception.” 

“Well get on with it, then.” Draco said impatiently. Blaise softly grabbed his friend by the chin and started muttering healing spells. Concern and empathy was written all over Blaise’s face, which only seemed to annoy Draco further. He didn’t need anyone’s pity.

When Blaise was done another awkward silence settled in, before Draco’s curiosity got the better of him “Where’s Granger?”

“She’s with Potter and the Gryffindors.” Blaise answered.

“So they made up then?” Draco scoffed, slightly angry. He didn’t know why it angered him so much that Hermione was back with her old friends. He figured it would happen eventually so he wasn’t surprised, but it still didn’t sit well with him.

“Impossible! They were still fighting during Christmas and she spent the rest of the holidays alone. They wouldn’t have had time to make up.” Theo exclaimed.

“What do you mean ‘during Christmas’?” Draco inquired.

“Well we came by her house at Christmas. Didn’t want her to spend it alone.” Blaise explained. 

“We sure brought enough food to keep her company through the rest of the holidays.” Theo joked.

“She ate the food?” Draco asked. Blaise thought the question was formulated weirdly, but he hadn’t noticed the ulterior meaning behind it. It seemed that Draco was the only one who was truly on his way to cracking the code. Draco had a lot of time to think during the holidays, as he mostly kept to himself in his room. Hermione’s eating habits came into question one night. She always ate when it was offered to her, it was a facade of normalcy. But Draco knew there was something off. Her cheeks and eyes looked almost hollowed out, and her lips were much paler than usual. Her bushy head of hair was less of a nest this year, but was still frizzy; no way Sleakeazy was used in it. It seemed as if the girl almost had… less hair. He couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was about her this year. He brushed off the idea of an eating disorder. He knew of some girls from his house that had to leave school for a while for disordered eating, but he couldn’t picture Hermione obsessing over looks and her body. After all, she was one of the prettiest girls in Hogwarts and he was sure everyone knew it. Most guys were just too intimidated to ask her out.

“Of course she ate the food! Nobody can resist my mom’s apple pie! You should’ve come stayed with us.”

“Yeah, maybe I should’ve.” Draco muttered lowly.

“I bet she had more fun with us than she ever had with the Weasley’s. They don’t even treat her as a human being, but as a walking encyclopedia!” Theo exclaimed. He had developed an aversion that went deeper than just a house rivalry for Ron and Harry. Though, it may not look like it at first glance, Theo was very caring and protective over all his friends. It helped that Hermione seemed to charm everyone she came in contact with. He was convinced it would be impossible to dislike her after spending enough time with her. He didn’t care for the way her Gryffindor friends discarded her. “Why she would ever give them the time of day again, will eternally confuse me.”

“I’m glad they made up. I mean, come on. Haven’t you noticed the way she’d been acting lately?” Blaise said. Draco perked up, turning all his attention to Blaise. “She’s been sadder and laughing less and less. Obviously, it’s because she was fighting with Ron. After all, he  _ is _ her oldest friend.” Blaise’s explanation for Hermione’s odd behaviour seemed logical to Draco. He convinced himself that that was probably it, but a part of him knew there was something more to the story.

“I guess you’re right.” Theo agreed. Draco just grunted. The conversation fell a bit flat, and was filled up with just a bit of small talk here and there for the rest of the ride. When the train finally stopped, the boys grabbed their bags and made their ways outside. There, Draco spotted Hermione and her dimwitted friends. He rolled his eyes that nobody was helping her with her bag, which she was obviously struggling with (more so than anyone else would). Draco trolled slightly behind the group, keeping an eye on his Gryffindor friend. He noticed how she was slightly shifting out of the conversation the group was participating in. Within a little while, she had fallen behind and was walking alone, still barely lugging her suitcase forward. It was a poor sight to see.

Draco swooped in and took her bag, to which she looked up in surprise. “Here, let me.” Instead of protesting his chivalry like she would usually do, stating she wasn’t a damsel in distress, she let him.

“Thank you.” Hermione said as she shot him a smile. She scolded herself for letting him take her bags, but was too tired to protest. If he hadn’t swooped in when he did, she probably wouldn’t have made it to Hogwarts. “How were your holidays?”

“As good as can get in the Malfoy household.” Malfoy replied. Hermione knew from past experience it was better not to pry for details surrounding his family. “Heard you had fun with Blaise and Theo.” He immediately noticed how her face perked up at the memory of Christmas.

“Yes, it was really quite great.” She beamed “Merlin, you should’ve been there. It was so fun introducing Theo and Blaise to all these muggle things. It was hilarious. Especially Theo. I swear to god, that boy is a three year old stuck in a 16 year olds body.” This earned a hefty laugh from Draco.

“Yes, well I can confirm that Theo hasn’t changed at all from when he was three.” Draco admitted. Their long standing friendship was quite dear to him, and made it very easy to pick on Theo for the littlest of things. “Believe me, I would’ve much rather been there with you all than at the Malfoy manor.”

Hermione’s face sombered and brows furrowed with sympathy. “That bad, huh?” She said, but Draco didn’t reply. His features hardened and that was enough of an answer for Hermione. “Draco, I know we haven’t always been the best of friends, but if you ever need to, you can talk to me. I won’t judge or pity you; I know how much you hate pity. And my lips are sealed, Harry and Ron won’t hear a word about it. I’ve kept enough secrets from them, what’s another going to do.”

Draco knew Hermione’s words were sincere, and in the moment, he wanted nothing more than to confide in her. There was something about the girl that made it so easy to talk to, it was almost harder  _ not _ to tell her all his deep dark secrets. However, Draco reluctantly held his tongue about the familial events that had taken place just a few days earlier. No matter how much he wanted to tell her everything, it was all still too fresh in his head. He didn’t want to think about it right now. “You? Keeping secrets from Potty and Weasel? Impossible.” He said sarcastically, trying to lighten the mood. Fortunately for him it worked. Hermione let out a small chuckle.

“While they might be my best friends, they don’t need to know everything that goes on in my life. I’d go absolutely barmy if they did.”

“And why’s that?” Draco cocked an eyebrow, suddenly intrigued.

“Ron can be judgemental and a real dick. Especially when he’s jealous. Harry’s okay, but he hates keeping shit from Ron, so if I tell one, I have to tell the other.”

“What does Ron have to be jealous about?” Draco was confused. What did this conversation have to do with the bloke being jealous?

“Viktor Krum.” Hermione said in a small voice as she embarrassedly put her hair behind her ear. Draco was dumbfounded. He hadn’t expected Hermione to be so blunt about it. Everybody at Hogwarts knew Ron had a thing for Hermione, it was quite obvious, but they had all suspected Hermione was too much of a bookworm to see it. He was also surprised to hear there was something to be jealous about. She told him she and Viktor were just friends. “I’m not blind, I know Ron liked me. But he always treated me like trash and as if I wasn’t even a girl. I’ve got too much self respect to settle for someone who treats me like that, so I moved on. I think Ron got over it too; I’m pretty sure he has a thing for Lavender now, but for some reason he still gets tense about Viktor. I guess old habits die hard.” Hermione wasn’t sure why she was telling all this to Draco. It was as if all her frustrations were just flying out of her mouth. Draco hated the way Hermione described how Ron treats her. He knew very well Hermione deserved the best.

“I thought you and Viktor were just friends.” Draco commented, trying to play it cool. He hoped Hermione thought he looked unbothered, but if she could hear his heartbeat she’d see right through his ‘cool’ exterior.

“We are  _ now _ , but we dated for a while. I broke it off in the summer. Long distance just isn't for me, I guess. Keeping it hidden from both my best friends was a struggle too. It seems a bit harsh to put it this way, but sometimes I feel like it was more trouble than it was worth.” Hermione admitted. She felt a little guilty about making her relationship with Viktor out to be as some hard struggle. He meant a lot to her, after all he was her first. She wouldn’t quite call her feelings for him love, Hermione believed it was impossible to know what love is at such a young age, but she did and still does, care for him deeply.

Draco didn’t like that they had dated, it stirred something he couldn’t quite pinpoint up in him, but found slight solace in the fact that Hermione was the one to break it off. She deserves someone who could be there for her in real life anyways, not someone who’s stuck in Bulgaria. 

Their conversation had ended shortly after, as they had finally arrived at Hogwarts. Hermione went up to the Gryffindor common room with Ron and Harry, the latter finally picking up she was struggling to carry her bags, and taking the load off her.

After she got settled back in her room, Ginny left to go hang out with some of her friends out of her own year, but promised to tell Hermione all about Michael when she got back. This gave Hermione a chance to get a head start on her coursework for this semester. She took one more pill, even though the label warned not to take two pills in such a close time proximity, and cracked open her books.


	17. present

Hermione didn’t understand how things had gotten so bad. She got off the cold bathroom tiles after sitting on them for 5 full minutes. She flushed the toilet, getting rid of the evidence, and went to wash her hands and face.

She had had a panic attack after dinner, which she forced herself to attend, not wanting another fight with Ron. She felt like there was something crawling inside of her; it was her consistent self loathing that only seemed to worsen at meal times. She was supposed to have more control than this, she was supposed to be better than this. Food distracted her from what was really important. It was a nasty hindrance in her achievements. Over break she watched a lot of TV, and once saw a girl purge in a movie. The girl seemed euphoric after, even though she was eating earlier during the day. 

One way or another, Hermione found herself bent over the toilet with 2 fingers down her throat. It was like she was in a trance while doing it. She wasn’t thinking and didn’t even notice the food coming back up her throat and into the toilet. It was like she lost full control over her body and senses.

Hermione had conflicting feelings about the purge. On the one hand, she felt clean, almost as if all her worries had come up with the food. On the other, she felt weak and uneasy. It was like she was losing grasp on who she was, barely recognizing who she was in the mirror.

After brushing her teeth and ridding herself from that horrible aftertaste in her mouth, she settled at her desk again and started studying, taking one more pill before she did. Almost instantly, her feelings on the events in the bathroom faded and focus zeroed in on her work. She was back to being studious Hermione. It almost felt normal.

In the dungeons, Blaise and Draco were hanging out in silence. 

“Do you think they did it?” Draco asked, breaking the silence between the two. Both had been doing their own thing, but in each others’ presence.

“What?” Blaise asked, without looking up from his book. Although he had gotten used to it, it still annoyed him that Draco could never get to his point in one go.

“Hermione and Krum.” Draco answered, trying to seem unbothered. Truthfully, he hoped Hermione had told Blaise about her relationship with the Quidditch player. Blaise was closer to her than Draco, so it wouldn’t be out of the question.

“You gotta give me more, Draco. What do you think they did?” Blaise said through gritted teeth, though slightly intrigued.

“ _ It _ .” Draco stressed. The boy also seemed to be getting annoyed that Blaise was making him spell it out. It was embarrassing enough bringing it up.

“Sex?” Blaise asked, finally sitting up and making eye contact with Draco, who nodded in return. “Merlin, why didn’t you just say that. You of all people shouldn’t be so prudey to say sex.” Blaise said, earning an eye roll from Malfoy. It was no secret that Draco liked to sleep around, being known as quite the man-slag.

“Oh, just get on with it. Did they or did they not fuck?” Draco snapped.

“They weren’t even dating. Hermione isn’t one to do it willy nilly. You know that. Why are you even asking?”

“That’s just it! They  _ were _ dating. She told me as much when we came back to Hogwarts.”

“I don’t see how it’s any of our business then. It’s between her and Viktor, that’s it.” Blaise answered simply, turning his attention back to his book. Draco grunted. He had just put himself through agony and voiced his (rather embarrassing) concerns to Blaise, just for the boy not to care at all.

“Blaise, you know Hermione better than I do. What do you think?”

“I don’t know! It’s none of our business Draco. Just let it go.” Blaise huffed. Hermione’s personal business was her business and shouldn’t be up for juvenile gossip. But after his initial reaction of displease washed over, his eyes widened and his book slammed shut. You could practically see a light bulb go up above his head. “Holy shit! You’re jealous!”

“What? That’s absurd, Blaise.” Draco stuttered out. “Maybe you’ve burned too many brain cells from all the champagne you’ve no doubt had over the holidays. How were your holidays?”

“Don’t try to change the subject, Draco, it’s not really helping your case. You like Hermione, don’t you?” Blaise concluded. Draco didn’t know why the subject was making him so defensive. He surely did  _ not _ like Hermione like that. Sure, she wasn’t exactly bad-looking, any guy with eyes could conclude that, but she and Draco would never do anything in a million years.

“Blaise in case you haven’t noticed, I’m a Malfoy and Hermione’s a-” Before Draco could finish his sentence, Blaise interrupted him.

“What? A muggleborn? In case  _ you _ haven’t noticed, Hermione is now a vital member in our friend group. What her blood is good enough to be one for your closest friends, but not enough to crush on? Bullshit.”

“That’s exactly why I’d never go for her, Blaise. It’s bad enough that we’re friends, but do you have any idea what my father would do if a rumor started that it was anything more than that?” Draco tried to rationalize.

“You don’t exactly have control over who you crush on or not. Besides, why else would you be questioning her sexual history?” Blaise made a good point, but Draco couldn’t have anyone questioning his intentions with Hermione.

“Blaise. I’m a bloke and I have eyes. I just wanted to see if she’d possibly ever spread her legs outside of marriage.” Draco hated himself for speaking that way about Hermione. It physically pained him, but it would throw Blaise off his track. The boy was used to Draco’s constant crass comments about women, Hermione being no exception.

Usually, Blaise brushed all the crude comments off with at most a disapproving look, but Hermione was different. She wasn’t just some slag he’d never heard of before. She was his-  _ their _ friend. Blaise’s blood ran cold hearing Draco speak like that. He got off his bed and threateningly walked over to Draco. “Draco, you are one of my oldest mates and I have learned to deal with your sexist comments and ways. And you know I’m quite the pacifist, but I promise you, if you ever hurt Hermione I will physically rip your balls off. She is  _ off _ limits; not just some slag who you have your way with and then never call again. I can’t even believe you’d talk about her like that. She’s your friend too, you know.” 

Draco could hear the disappointment in Blaise’s voice. At least it meant Blaise was off his case now. It wasn’t that Draco actually liked Hermione, but he didn’t like the thought of anyone thinking otherwise. Draco couldn’t find a rational excuse for his emotions and thoughts either, but chalked it up to just being a protective friend. Yes, that sounded logical. Draco Malfoy did not fancy Hermione Granger, he was just being a nosy friend. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.

The faulty explanation wouldn’t last for long, though. As soon Draco found himself in the library which was largely empty, except for one seat that was obviously occupied by books and scrolls. Draco recognized a sweater that was lying there; it was Hermione’s. Hermione herself though, was nowhere to be seen.

Draco seated himself at a table that was facing Hermione’s. When she wasn’t back after 5 minutes, he set out to find her. He guessed she was probably looking for some book. He scoured the library and found her at the back. She was standing on her toes, trying to reach a book. Draco couldn’t help but check her out, which he had done before in his younger years. Her usually very toned legs, looked notably thinner, almost like sticks. The frown that appeared on his face soon faded when he saw how high her skirt had risen. He could see the frame of her rounded butt cheeks. If she just stretched out a hair higher, he could probably see her knickers. 

Hermione seemed to notice someone staring at her from behind. She lowered her arm and looked over her shoulder. Her slight unease simmered down when she saw the familiar face, though she couldn’t help but blush. Why didn’t he just make his presence known? Was he staring at her? His eyes definitely weren’t leveled with hers. Actually, they were quite low. Was he staring at her ass? 

Hermione shook the thought away, deeming it ridiculous. Still, she tugged the edges of her skirt down absentmindedly. “Malfoy, do you mind reaching for that book?” Draco was too lost in his thoughts, stressing about if Hermione caught him staring at her… lower region. “Draco?” Hermione said waving her hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his worries.

“Oh- uh yeah. Sure.” He stuttered out. He scolded himself for stuttering; Malfoy’s don’t stutter.

“Thanks,” She said as she took the book out of his hands. “Are you here to study or borrow a book?”

“Study.”

“Well, come sit with me then. We can study together.” Hermione didn’t know what inspired her to invite Draco over to her table, but it sounded logical given they were both at the top of their academic careers.

Draco spent no time gathering his things and sitting in a seat next to Hermione. He took in her appearance as she was working on a Charms summary. It was quite late and by the looks of it, Hermione had been in the library the whole day. Her hair was slightly messier than usual and her tie sat looser. The top few buttons on her shirt were undone too; Draco felt dirty for letting his eyes linger a second longer than would be appropriate. Her facial features still looked hollow, but her eyes were ignited with passion. Draco had always admired her burning perseverance, even before they were friends. She was always so eager to learn. Although now that Draco knew her a bit better, he suspected there was more to the story. Her eagerness to learn seemed more like desperation to prove herself as worthy. He didn’t know what for; everyone already knew she was the brightest witch of her age. It’s not like she ever let anyone forget either.

“Take a picture. It’ll last longer.” Hermione said, finally growing sick of Draco staring at her. When he didn’t reply she cocked her brow and turned to him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just zoned out.”

“... On my face?” Hermione smirked.

“It’s an interesting face.” Draco commented, smirking right back at her when she found herself speechless. Hermione’s lips slightly parted in surprise. In her head she was trying to rationalize the situation. At first glance, it sounded as if Draco was flirting with her, but that could never be it, right? It was just a fluke, a force of habit. Both Draco and Hermione were trying to convince themselves of that.

“On another note, I’ve been wanting to give you your Christmas present.” Hermione decided to change the subject.

“Oh Hermione you didn’t have to-”

“I don’t want to hear a thing about it. Besides, it’s too late now.” She reached for a little pouch. Draco’s eyes almost fell out of his head when he saw her shove her whole arm down the tiny bag. He realized the pouch was under an extension spell, but was still beyond impressed she was able to pull it off. As far as he knew, it hadn’t been taught to the 5th year yet. “It’s a bond touch bracelet. I know you think it’s not so manly or whatever, but I think it’s kind of cool. If either one of us touches it, the other gets the exact same pattern in which it was touched first. If you ever need me just touch it. I guess you could use it to annoy me though too.”

“Hermione,” Draco was almost speechless as Hermione slipped the bracelet on his wrist. “Merlin, I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.” Hermione said in an almost whisper tone, hands still remaining on Draco’s. “Say something when you get a chance to use it.”

Before Draco could reply, the pair were interrupted by someone clearing their voice. Both snapped their heads to the sound. Only then did Hermione notice how close they moved to each other. The moment she saw that the person in front of them was Harry, she leaned back into her chair, away from Draco. “Hi, Harry. What’s up?” Hermione tried to play it cool, but knew he must’ve noticed her blush.

“Dinner’s starting now. I came to get you so you wouldn’t forget again.” Though Draco’s face didn’t show it, this didn’t sit right with him. Potter had always been pretty dense; if Hermione’s eating patterns had even garnered his attention, something must be wrong. Draco closely examined Hermione’s reaction.

“Oh, that’s very thoughtful of you. Help me pack up?” Hermione said with a smile, as if nothing was out of the ordinary. This seemed to calm Draco’s nerves. 

Harry grabbed a few of her books and started shoving them into Hermione’s bookbag. “Who knew you were such an obedient little bitch, Potthead.” Draco snarled at Harry. Even though he had now befriended Hermione, his dislike for Harry never lessened. Attacking his masculinity was just second nature for him.

“Malfoy, let’s not forget that only one of us was an actual animal. Or did you forget, Ferret?” Harry retorted. Hermione put her hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle her laughter, earning an annoyed glare from Draco.

“Both of you, behave!” She scowled them. “And anyways, I think we all know both of you are my bitches.” She added before she left, taking Harry by the elbow, leaving Draco with an astonished look while he watched her leave. After she was out of sight and he had a few moments to process that Hermione Granger just called him, Draco Malfoy,  _ her _ bitch, he burst out laughing in the middle of a now empty library.


	18. Patrol

Hermione walked into her room, only (to her dismay) to be greeted by a group of squealing girls. Hermione had the luxury of a smaller room she only had to share with one other person, Ginny. Unfortunately for her, however, was that Ginny was quite the social pariah. Oftentimes Ginny brought her friends to hang out in their shared room, and Hermione was too polite to say anything about it. Sometimes the girl just needed some peace and quiet. And it sure didn’t help that Hermione didn’t get along with Ginny’s choice of friends.

“Oh, hi. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to study on my side of the room.” Hermione said dismissively. Ginny’s friends were gathered around her bed, fashion magazines sprawled all over. 

“Hermione! You can come join us if you want. Trust me you don’t want to miss this.” Ginny invited. 

Out of politeness and slight intrigue, Hermione decided to inquire about this. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing that would concern you. You’re… not this kind of girl, you know?” Lavender snarked. Hermione would never understand how Ginny could stand Lavender. The girl was a snob with no self respect. It sure didn’t help that she seemed to have it out for Hermione. 

“Oh hush, Lav.” Padma scowled her friend. “Do you have a date yet, Hermione?”

Hermione instantly knew they were talking about the Easter dance, even though it was months away. Preparations had already started and many students were already finding dates. Just hours earlier Roger Davies asked her to go with him. Hermione declined, not really having a reason. She guessed she just wanted to wait for someone more… special. “Roger Davies asked me, but I declined. I don’t even know if I’m going to go yet.”

“Roger Davies?!” All three girls exclaimed at the same moment.

“He’s a seventh year!” Padma exclaimed.

“Why didn’t you tell me right away? Why did you decline?” Ginny screamed out. Lavender stayed silent, snarling at Hermione in silence.

“I just got here! And as for Roger Davies, it’s a little random. I’ve never really talked to him. I barely know the guy so why would I go with him?”

“But he’s in his  _ seventh _ year!” Padma exclaimed once more.

“Roger is probably the best offer you’ll get. You should ask him again.” Lavender suggested with her usual backhanded snakeness. 

“Oh please, I’m sure that’s not true. I bet Ron will ask you this year.” Ginny consoled. However when she said this, Lavender snapped up into a sitting position.

“I sincerely doubt that, as he has already asked  _ me _ ! Find your own date, Hermione!” She snarled. Hermione rolled her eyes. Obviously Lavender was threatened by her and jealous of her friendship with Ronald, but it wasn’t like Hermione was interested in him (anymore) anyways.

“That’s great, Lavender.” Hermione said with a cheeky smile. Kill ‘em with kindness, right? “But honestly after the Yule ball fiasco last year, I don’t know if I’m up for another dance.”

“What fiasco?  _ Viktor Krum _ took you and nobody could take their eyes off you the whole dance. Every guy was after you after that night.” Ginny said.

“That’s absurd, Gin,” Hermione brushed off her comments. She never believed her appearance was anything special. It was a shame, because everyone around her knew she was. “Besides, the night ended in me crying all my makeup off, so how good could it really have been.”

“You shouldn’t have let Ron ruin a great night. We both know he was just jealous.” Ginny said empathetically.

“I sincerely doubt he was jealous. He was just being a good friend to Harry by not fraternizing with the enemy.” Lavender now really started getting on Hermione’s nerves. Wherever she went, chaos usually followed. Every interaction Hermione had with the girl, usually ended in her feeling insecure and at times in tears. She tried not to let the girl get on her nerves, but it was pretty damn hard.

“Ron was the one with a poster of Viktor hanging above his bed. Trust me, he had no issue with Viktor Krum, just an issue with Viktor Krum and Hermione together.” Ginny retorted.

“That’s ludicrous. Why would Ron be jealous? It’s not like Hermione has anything to offer.” 

“Lavender!” Padma and Ginny both screamed out, shocked by their friends’ words.

“Am I wrong?” Lavender rolled her eyes. “She obviously doesn’t take care of herself. The hair, the bags under her eyes, the baggy clothes, her  _ body _ -”

Before she could continue, Ginny had gotten enough of the girl. “Lavender I will not have you speak about Hermione that way. Especially in her own room. I think it’s best you leave.”

Lavender huffed and gathered her things, not wanting to be in Hermione’s presence anyways. Shooting the girl one last glare, she stormed out of the room. The truth was, Lavender had been head over heels for Ron since the first year and Hermione was the girl closest to him. Naturally, she was jealous from the get go. It didn’t help that Lavender had huge self esteem issues and that any other boy she snogged over the years, had the hots for Hermione too.

“Hermione, what she said isn’t true at all!” Ginny started.

“Yeah. I know we’re not best friends or anything, but I honestly have always admired your beauty  _ and _ intellect. Everybody knows you’re the prettiest girl in school!” Padma finished off. Though it was true that the girls were nothing more than just acquaintances, they had always been friendly.

“Thanks guys.” Hermione said, but not believing a word they uttered. “I’m going to go take a shower.”

In the shower Hermione broke down. She sat on the cold tile floor and hugged her knees, while burying her head in them. The sound of the water droplets puring drowned out the sound of Hermione’s muffled sobs. She spent the better half of an hour trying to calm down, before finally stepping out of the shower. She closely examined herself in the mirror. Lavender had been right. She did look not taken care of. Her face was pale and tired, cheeks puffy and eyes bloodshot. Her posture had worsened over all the time she spent hunched over books. Her hair was dry and unruly. Her finger nails looked brittle and blue. Her whole body was covered in bruises, most of which she couldn’t explain. Running her fingers through her hair showed a clump just sitting between her fingers. Hermione hated what she saw. Maybe this is why Ron didn’t like her. Maybe this is why no one will ever like her, much less love her.

The surge of strong, hateful emotions caused her magic to accidentally crack the mirror, sharp shards of glass falling everywhere. Hermione picked a big one up. She looked into it. Her mother had always been quite the opposite of Hermione, believing in silly superstitions and vague horoscopes. If she were here right now she would warn Hermione to close her eyes, it was bad luck to look in a broken mirror. Hermione could practically hear the lecture in her head. She wondered if her parents would be disappointed in the person she had become. She was reckless and stubborn. Not to mention she was obviously not the prettiest girl in the world. When she looked in the broken mirror, all she could see was a broken girl. 

She sunk against the bathroom wall, gripping the mirror tighter and tighter. It was digging deeper and deeper into her skin, beads of blood were forming. Hermione started to fumble with the skin on her thigh, pinching it between the fingers of her other hand, wishing she could cut it all off. And so she did. A line of blood appeared on her thigh. Another appeared next to it. They were thick and deep, and looked like they were growing. The tears stopped streaming, while the blood started bleeding. 

When the sharp, now covered in blood mirror dropped out of her hand, Hermione sat on the ground motionless. Her feelings of agony cleared up, as if escaping through the cuts. Now she was numb; didn’t feel a thing. After a while she got up and got ready for bed like nothing happened. 

The next morning Hermione had completely forgotten she cut herself the night before. She was horrified when she entered the bathroom and saw the two deep red gashes on her thighs. It stung when she traced her fingers over the fresh wounds. Quickly, she grabbed her wand and thanked Merlin for having practiced healing spells. At first, she figured it would be necessary considering Harry and Ron would do before they thought and always ended up in the hospital wing. Never had she expected to use healing spells on herself, especially on intentional wounds.

After performing the spell 2 small, thin, barely noticeable scars were left. If she had been a more experienced practitioner her skin would probably once again be flawless, but unfortunately she was now stuck with two eternal reminders of her pain.

Luckily scars were high enough on her legs that her skirt covered them. Out of sight, out of mind. Hermione was cold in her uniform so she threw on an oversized jumper that fell over the majority of her skirt, which she rolled up twice, shortening it. All the girls at Hogwarts rolled their skirts up. Although she wouldn’t admit it, Lavender’s comments had hurt a soft spot. Hanging out with mostly boys hadn’t done much for her self confidence over the years. She was sick of being seen as ‘one of the guys’. Ron had once even told her multiple times that he saw her as a guy.

Hermione grabbed her bookbag and headed downstairs where Harry and Ron were waiting for her. Together they headed for the Great Hall. To Hermione’s despair, Lavender was waiting at the Gryffindor table next to an empty seat, presumably for Ron, who giddily joined her. Harry and Hermione had to sit further up the table.

“How long has  _ that _ been going on?” Hermione asked, referring to the pair of awfully close teenagers.

“Since before Christmas.” Harry told her while getting some food. “Sorry, Hermione. I know how you felt about him.”

“I don’t feel like that. Not anymore.”

“Is there someone new?” Harry asked teasingly. Hermione’s eyes flashed to the Slytherin table for a brief second.

“No! Why would there be someone new? Just because I don’t like Ron anymore doesn’t mean I suddenly like someone else. I just raised my standards, that’s all. Nothing else is going on. How could you even think that?” Hermione vigorously denied.

“Your defensiveness really isn’t helping your case, ‘Mione.” Harry told her with a smirk. Before she could reply Harry continued. “I’m not going to pry about who it is, don’t worry.”

“There’s nothing to pry about, Harry. I’d tell you if I liked someone new.”

“Okay.” Harry said, not convinced, but Hermione obviously didn’t want to talk about the subject so he dropped it. 

Hermione had a black coffee for breakfast, before excusing herself, saying her appetite was ruined, gesturing the touchy couple further up the table. Harry shot her one more sympathetic glance. Hermione headed to potions. To Snape’s dismay, she was the first one there. Soon enough the class started filling up with students. Hermione was stuck in her thoughts but they were interrupted by a certain Slytherin sliding into the seat next to her. She wasn’t expecting Draco to openly and willingly sit next to her. Especially in Potions where social interaction with your partner was unavoidable. She however didn’t comment on it, appreciating his rare public shows of friendship.

“Hi.” She said softly. Draco gave her an acknowledging nod. They sat in silence while waiting for Snape to start his lesson.

“Are you cold?” Draco said breaking the silence. 

“Um, not particularly, no.” Hermione furrowed her brows. Lately, she was always cold, but right now it was nothing out of the ordinary.

“You’re shaking.” He gestured her trembling hands.

“Oh, it’s just coffee.” Hermione tugged her sleeves over her fingers and clutched them in her palms. Truthfully, she wasn’t sure if it was the caffeine, the fact that she was always freezing or her hunger.

Draco didn’t ask any further. Soon Snape started the lecture. Hermione had trouble focusing on what he was saying. Her thoughts traveled to her partner. He volunteered to get the cauldron and other supplies for the potion they were brewing today. Hermione was about to get up, but he put his hand on her shoulder before getting up himself. She thought it was thoughtful. In previous years when they had to partner up together she always got everything, while Draco muttered something about it being her job as a mudblood. He hadn’t called her that slur in a while either. Their bad blood seemed like a distant memory.

Hermione was so out of it that she didn’t even notice Draco calling her until he waved his hand in front of her face. “Hermione?”

“Hm, yes? Sorry.” 

“I asked where you wanted to meet tonight.” Draco said. Hermione shot him a confused look. Why did he want to meet tonight? It made her stomach flicker a bit, as if she were on a rollercoaster. She held in a smile.

“Tonight?”

“Yeah, we’re patrolling remember.” Draco said as he cocked his brow. Hermione’s eyes widened. She completely forgot about Prefect duty.

“Oh,” Hermione looked down. Lately she had been so distracted by nothing at all. “Meet me by the library?”

“Sure.” Draco was baffled that Hermione had forgotten. Just the other day she had forgotten her Arithmancy textbook in her room too. He had to share his with her, not that Draco minded being in such close proximity to Hermione and her apple-vanilla scent. 

Draco was for once looking forward to Prefect duty. He never really liked being a Prefect and often neglected his duties, except for the perks of using his title as a weapon. He hoped Hermione didn’t change out of her uniform. He noticed it looked different today. Her skirt seemed higher. He loved the knee-high socks too. It looked sexy. 

Luckily for Draco, Hermione indeed showed up in her uniform. It looked rougher than this morning. Her hair was a mess, up in a loose bun with fly away framing her face. Her tie was loosened and top shirt buttons undone, she took off her sweater earlier. Draco noticed that Hermione’s skirt was rolled up and shorter. He knew other girls did it; Pansy rolled hers up so high that it left little to the imagination. Hermione was perfect, though. Absolutely breathtaking.

“Malfoy.” Hermione greeted him.

“Granger.” Malfoy greeted back with a dashing smile. “You ready?”

“Yes, let’s go.” 

“Here,” Draco said as he handed Hermione one half of a sandwich while he kept the other one. He had fallen into the habit of bringing food whenever he knew Hermione would be there. Though he started seeing her make more appearances at meals, her worrying appearance wasn’t changing. If anything it looked like her face was only sagging in more. She was still beautiful, she just looked… broken. 

Hermione accepted the sandwich from Draco’s grip. It was thoughtful of him, even if he acted as if it wasn’t a big deal, but Hermione silently cursed him every time he brought her food. It was a waste. She felt horrible for just wasting food.

As they were walking Draco noticed Hermione’s fingers were still trembling and she was slouching, arms crossed over her chest. Draco felt cold just looking at the shivering girl. She shouldn’t have taken off that sweater. Draco started taking off his robes and swiftly draped them over Hermione’s shoulders.

“What are you doing?” She asked, to which Draco rolled his eyes.

“You’re quivering, Granger.” Hermione was about to start protesting, but Draco stopped her. “Don’t be so stubborn and put the damn thing on.” Hermione was too tired to put up a fight and just gave in. She slipped into the robes and clung them to her, still cold, but a little warmer. Draco couldn’t help but smile at the sight of Hermione Granger in his Draco Malfoy’s, robes. Hermione was practically drowning in his robes, tripping over the long drapes every few steps. She could’ve easily transfigured them to fit her. Draco wondered why she didn’t just do that. Such simple magic was way beyond her capabilities. The truth is Hermione had thought about transfiguring the robes, but she liked the feel of the huge clothing over her. The robes let out an overwhelming smell of Draco’s cologne, Hermione could just swim in it. 

After a long silence Hermione finally spoke up, after a long battle in her head. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get Lavender’s words out of her head. “Draco, we’re friends.”

“Interesting observation, Granger. I give you an O in assessment.” Draco said sarcastically.

“Malfoy, I’m serious.”

“Yes, we’re friends. What’s this about?” Draco said, confused.

“Friends give each other advice, right? With no judgement.” 

“Spit it out, Granger.”

“Well, I mean- Lavender said-” Hermione stuttered out, but ended up huffing and taking a pause. “God, I don’t know what I’m asking. Forget about it. ”

“Hermione, what happened? What did Lavender say or do?”

“Roger Davies asked me to the Easter dance and I said no. When Lavender found out she said I should be lucky because I’m… well, me. It’s just been bothering me all day.”

“You’re not serious, right?” Draco scoffed. “Hermione you can’t let  _ Lavender brown _ get into your head. Everybody knows you’re too good for any bloke that goes to this school. Lavender knows it and she’s jealous.”

Hermione snorted at that. “Oh, please. She has nothing to be jealous about.”

“Everybody knows but you, apparently.” Draco was baffled at Hermione’s reaction. Did she actually not know how special she was? “Hermione, you can’t seriously think Brown is right.”

“She is though! I don’t wear make-up, I don’t do my hair, I don’t dress like a ‘girl’. Boys don’t-” Hermione started ranting but was cut off by Draco abruptly stopping in his tracks and grabbing her by her shoulders, gently backing her up against a wall.

“Stop it right there, Granger. Every bloody bloke at this school wants you, and you’re too bloody good for every single one of them. Hell, your best friend is in love with you and that’s why Brown is green with jealousy. For fucks sake, don’t worry your pretty little mind about this. Especially not if it’s coming from the likes of Brown.” Draco was staring right into Hermione’s eyes. His hands were still on her shoulders. Hermione finally noticed how close their faces were. She’d never seen Draco so raw, so passionate. Draco’s left hand moved up to her face where he cupped his cheek. He softly caressed it with his thumb. Draco didn’t even notice he did it, it just felt natural. “Besides, you don’t even need to cake your face with paint; you look fine.”

After a long silence, Hermione broke the silence by clearing her throat. Draco’s hand dropped and he took a step back. Part of her felt weird about it. It was like she saw another side of Draco.

“Uh.. thanks.” Hermione thanked Draco for his earlier words, after there was an appropriate distance between them. She regained her composure and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “But I must say, nobody  _ needs _ make-up and it’s not paint. It’s a modern art; girls use it to express themselves.”

Draco chuckled at Hermione’s little rant. “Whatever you say, feminist.” And just like that, what happened between them was forgotten.

When Hermione returned to her room she expected Ginny to bombard her with questions about who’s robe Hermione was wearing, but to her surprise, Ginny’s bed was empty. There were a few lazy pillows in the shape of a body, but her fiery red hair was absent. Hermione Rolled her eyes and figured she was spending the night with Michael again. Lately Ginny was rarely found in her own bed. Hermione didn’t really mind it; it let her study in peace without fearing waking up her roommate. This also meant nobody was keeping her in check. The sleepless nights were stacking up.


	19. Rendezvous

Draco groaned in frustration. There was a party in the common room right now. Slytherin won against Hufflepuff in a Quidditch match. Even though he was captain of the team, Draco wasn’t participating. Hermione’s words were always echoing in his mind. He didn’t know why they were affecting him so bad. He didn’t even want to be around alcohol; he was scared of putting himself in that position. He wasn’t strong; if he were, he would’ve stood up to his father by now. He sure as hell wasn’t strong enough not to give into the temptation of drinking. Alcohol was always on his mind, except when he was with Hermione.

Without the drinking or drugs to numb his thoughts, his mind was a mess. He was dwelling on everything he wanted to change about his life, about his past. Every moment he wished he’d made a different choice or said something else. Hermione made her way into a lot of his memories. He wished he hadn’t always been so awful to her. He wished he wasn’t a pureblood, he wished he was never born. Everything would’ve been so much easier if he wasn’t a Malfoy. He could’ve had his own thoughts, he could’ve chosen his own friends. Maybe he wouldn’t be so fucked up.

Draco truly used to despise Hermione, and he hated himself for it. It wasn’t just that she was muggleborn, it was the fact that she was better than him in every way (except for Quidditch, of course). She bested him in every subject no matter how hard he tried to be better. Not to mention she managed to befriend Harry Potter, something Draco failed at. Draco was taught that Muggleborns were inferior in every way, but since the moment they met, Hermione had been proving that notion wrong. Draco was jealous. 

Last year when Hermione showed up to the Yule ball, everything changed. The way everybody stared at her irked him. He hated that he couldn’t say a single bad thing about her, nobody could. After the ball every boy kept talking about Hermione in a way no man should about a woman. Before the ball nobody spared her a second glance, and nobody talked about her. Not unless Harry Potter was the topic of the conversation. Draco did, he talked about her before the dress and Viktor Krum. Granted, not in a positive way, but he  _ knew _ her before anyone else did. She was  _ his _ to talk about. 

He couldn’t take hearing all his schoolmates cheering and drinking downstairs while he sombered about his past. Draco pulled out the muggle bracelet of sorts Hermione gave him for Christmas out of his nightstand. He kept it there instead of wearing it. It wasn’t very ‘Malfoy’ to wear a muggle accessory. He tapped it three times with his finger. He didn’t know what to expect. He felt silly just staring at this muggle contraption. 

Hermione didn’t take the bracelet off since she gave Malfoy his. She was surprised to feel three little taps on her wrist. It stunned her for a few seconds, until she ‘replied’. She sent him three little taps too. The worry set in almost right away. What if he wanted to drink again? It was past curfew already. She cursed herself for not getting him a phone instead, but decided she couldn’t leave anything up to chance. She climbed out of bed and carefully tiptoed out of her room and to the boys dormitory. The boys were asleep and Hermione groaned, she’d feel guilty for waking anyone up, but she’d feel guiltier if she couldn’t help Draco. She crouched to Harry’s bed and put her hand on his mouth before waking him up. The boy startled awake in panic. Hermione quickly cast a silent lumos and waited for him to recognize her. She lowered her hand when the panic left his face.

“Hermione? What happened? What are you doing here?” Harry asked worriedly, sitting up slightly.

“Nothing’s happened. I just need your cloak.” Hermione whispered back.

“What? Why?” The worry now turned into amusement. “Is this about a guy?”

“Harry!” Hermione’s furious blush earned a soft chuckle from Harry, who climbed out of his bed and moved to his closet. “There is no guy!”

“Okay, okay. I won’t pry.” Harry whispered, not believing a word that came out of Hermione’s mouth, which she knew and was annoyed by it.

“Harry, I’m serious!” Hermione refuted, hands on her hips, but Harry murmured something sarcastic in response. “Okay, fine. I’m going to go see a guy, but not for what you think! I promise it’s strictly platonic.”

“Platonic at 1 AM?” Harry mused back, earning a smack on the head. “Okay, okay. Platonic it is. Here.”

“Thank you.” Hermione muttered, accepting the cloak from Harry’s grasp.

“Don’t forget to cast a contraceptive spell!” Harry warned before she left, to which she stuck up her middle finger.

Hermione wrapped herself in the cloak and made her way to the dungeons. She had no idea how to come in. She should’ve expected that Draco might need her after curfew, and made a plan for such a situation. She was Hermione Granger. She was better than this. She planned for every minor inconvenience way in advance. Things didn’t just sneak up on her, she didn’t ever forget about details. Unforeseen circumstances wasn’t a thing Hermione had to deal with. 

Hermione pressed on her bracelet in random intervals, hoping Draco would get the memo about coming outside. She was waiting for a little bit when two drunken Slytherins stumbled out. Hermione took her chance and quickly slipped inside. There was a party going on. Hermione figured it was for their Quidditch win. She silently thanked Merlin that Draco wasn’t to be seen around all this alcohol.

Hermione finally reached Draco’s door. When she entered Draco startledly sat up on his bed. Hermione swiftly pulled the cloak off. “Don’t worry, it’s me.”

“How-? What?-” He asked, confused.

“It’s an invisibility cloak.” 

“So that’s how you and the 2 idiots get away with shit.” While Draco was talking to Hermione, he carefully examined her attire. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt with a dragon print on it. It seemed as if she was wearing it as a dress, though it barely reached over her bum. Draco wondered who’s shirt it could be. Was it Viktors? Maybe it was Ron or Harry’s. The shirt barely reached

“They’re not idiots.” Hermione replied, pulling up a chair near Draco’s bed. As she sat down Draco saw she was wearing pajama bottoms. They were booty shorts that left very little to the imagination, not that he was complaining. “What’s the password? I had to wait until 2 fourth years went out to shag.” 

“I’m not telling you the password! Why didn’t you just use the tunnels?” 

“Holy shit, I completely forgot about the tunnels.” Hermione realized. What was happening with her?

“Damn Granger. Have you lost your wit?” Draco joked, but it hit Hermione a lot harder than he’d expected. Had she really lost her smarts?

“Fuck off.”

“I see the cat has claws.”

“If you don’t shut up I might just show them.” Hermione retorted. “Do you really want a repeat of the third year?” The memory sent Draco in a fit of laughs.

“I think that honestly might be my favorite memory, Granger.” 

“I doubt your nose agrees.”

“Don’t give yourself too much credit; it really didn’t hurt that much.” 

“It seemed pretty broken to me.” Hermione said with a playful grin.

“Shut up, Granger.”

“Make me.” And with that Draco tackled her with tickles on his bed. Hermione couldn’t stop laughing and was begging him to stop. “Stop!” She managed to make out in between laughs.

As if right on queue, a drunk Blaise and Theo stumbled into the room. “Oh, I see we’ve interrupted something.” Theo laughed, while Blaise was silent with shock. Hermione shoved Draco off her and blushed furiously, while still trying to contain her laughs.

“You haven’t interrupted anything! Draco’s just being a dick.” Hermione couldn’t stop blushing. She felt her stomach squirm with butterflies. 

“The red on your face tells a different story.” Theo teased. Blaise shot Draco a stern look, still not uttering a word.

“I was just tickling her because she was annoying.” Draco explained after Blaise glared at him.

“I was annoying?!” Hermione exclaimed. “I was speaking facts!”

“Facts my ass!” Draco retorted.

“Oh really? Well boys, how about you tell me how Draco reacted to me punching him?”

Both Theo and Blaise burst out in drunken laughter. Blaise clutched his chest while Theo tried to catch his breath. “Oh man, was so angry he cried!”

“He didn’t shut up about you for  _ weeks _ !”

“He started planning a revenge but chickened out every time!”

“Can we stop talking about this?” Draco pleaded.

“Never.” Hermione teased. Before she could realize her mistake, Draco attacked her with tickles again. “Okay! Fine! I’ll stop!” After getting in a few more tickles he finally stopped. A flustered Hermione with messed up hair shot him a glare, together with a shove.

“That’ll teach ya.” Draco chuckled back, before turning to his two best friends. “Why are you here?”

“Ugh, I’m trying to escape drunk Pansy.” Theo groaned. When Pansy was under the influence she became a bit touchy feely, especially with Theo. “She’s even worse now that my father has planted the idea of marriage in her head.”

“When did he manage that?” Blaise asked.

“He let it slip to her father in some business meeting.” Theo explained. “My father has been on my ass about finding someone to court. I can’t take it! This dance is just that, a dance. Nothing special. He wants to turn it into an engagement party!”

“You’re barely even 16. Why is he even thinking about marriage?” Hermione was surprised Blaise and Theo didn’t seem more shocked about this.

“It’s pureblood tradition and I absolutely hate it. Just cause something happened 1000 years ago, doesn't mean it’s still appropriate now. I just cannot believe he wants me to ask  _ Pansy Parkinson _ to the dance?” Theo grew up with Pansy. Lately they haven't been getting along at all. Pansy didn’t like that Theo was hanging out with Hermione and Theo didn’t do ultimatums. However their history was still there. Theo and Pansy were practically siblings, they sure bickered like they were. He couldn’t see her as a wife.

“Just ask someone else to get your father off your back then.” Blaise suggested.

“Everyone else is taken!” The frustration was seeping in his voice. Suddenly Theo’s face lit up and his eyebrows raised as he turned to Hermione. “Say, Hermione. You’re a girl. And you’re not going to the dance. What if we went together? As friends, of course. Unless you want it to be more.” Theo joked suggestively. Draco visibly tensed.

Hermione was baffled. “Theodore Nott Junior you cannot treat me as a last resort! Honestly, do men even think before speaking?” She couldn’t believe Theo would just assume she wasn’t going to the dance. She wondered if he thought that because she wasn’t as feminine as other girls. Suddenly she felt insecure.

“I didn’t mean it like that! Come on, Hermione. You know I’d way rather go with you than any of the girls my fathers pushing me towards. Or any girl at Hogwarts for that matter. Besides, don’t you want to go to the dance? I’m your chance!”

“For your information I have already been asked,” Hermione was unbelievably offended “by multiple people!” 

“Well, why haven’t you accepted then?” Draco asked her through gritted teeth. He tried to keep his composure. He didn’t understand why all of a sudden he was annoyed.

“Just waiting for the right person I guess. It’s silly.” Hermione spat bitterly, feeling the familiar sense of déja vu. She could’ve sworn she was in this same situation in the fourth year with Ron. What a waste of time that was. “Alright, Theo. If you ask me like a gentleman, I’ll go with you.”

Theo grinned as he dramatically cleared his throat. “Will you, Hermione Jean Granger, honor me by accompanying me to the Easter dance.”

“Hm, I don’t know I’m not fully convinced. Maybe if you got down on your knees.” Hermione teased as Theo rolled his eyes with an annoyed look on his face. After Hermione crossed her arms he realized she wasn’t going to budge. Theo huffed and got onto his knees, garnering a laugh from Hermione, who cupped his face with one hand, squishing it like he was a little child. “I’d love to go with you Theo.”

Underneath his cold exterior, Draco was livid. He hated the way he felt, partially because he didn’t understand what he felt or why he felt it exactly. Sure, he had come to terms with being attracted to Hermione, but so was every other bloke at Hogwarts. She was beautiful, and Draco had raging hormones. That’s all it was. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself.

Theo was his best friend. He, much like Draco, also had a rough homelife. They could relate on that front, and it was a big part of their friend-bond. Even though Theo claimed he was taking Hermione to the dance as friends and it as a scheme to piss off his father, it didn’t sit well with Draco. It wasn’t fair that Theo could just use Hermione like that. If Draco ever tried to pull a stunt like that, his father would torture him six ways to sunday. If Draco wasn’t his only heir he’d probably kill and disown him too, for bringing shame to the Malfoy name by interacting with a  _ mudblood _ . Maybe Draco was just jealous of Theo’s freedom. Yes, Theo’s dad was a shitty father, but he never laid a hand on him. He was spiteful, emotionally abusive and neglectful, but he never bothered with corporal discipline. Theo was practically raised by his house elves. His whole life he was constantly acting out against his father, trying to get his attention, but nothing ever worked.

Draco was absent for the rest of the conversation, deep in his own thoughts. Theo and Hermione were pestering Blaise with questions about his secret date. There weren’t a lot of openly gay students at Hogwarts, probably due to not all parents being as supportive as Blaise’s mom, so nobody had a clue who Blaise could take to the dance.

“Guys, you’ll just have to wait and see. I’m not telling you anything!” Blaise mused, before changing the subject. “Draco, what about you? Which poor unfortunate soul has the displeasure of accompanying you to the dance?”

“I might ask Greengrass.”  _ Might? Merlin, I’d think that Draco would’ve had a date by now _ Hermione thought to herself. Draco wasn’t exactly the poster boy for abstinence. His reputation wasn’t as bad as Theo’s, but he still had one. And nobody could deny Draco’s charming good looks. One would think he wouldn’t have trouble finding a girl to take to the dance.

“Daphne’s a pretty girl, Draco. I doubt she hasn’t been asked yet.” Blaise warned.

“I reckon she’d cancel on the other bloke for me.”

“Don’t be so cocky. I don’t know her well, but Daphne’s got looks  _ and _ self-respect.” Hermione told him, silently hoping it was true. The girls have only spoken a handful of times, but they’ve always been civil to each other. Daphne deserved to be treated better than this.

“We’re friends, okay. If I ask her nicely I’m sure she wouldn’t mind letting me take her.”

“You want to go as just friends? That’s not really your ammo, Drake.” Theo inquired. It sounded a bit hypocritical, considering he was known to be even sluttier than Draco, but still taking Hermione platonically.

“I don’t want the fuss of anything more.” Draco replied simply. Hermione scrunched her nose in disapprovement. Draco treated her well and with respect. She didn’t understand why he couldn’t just extend the same courtesy to other girls. It’s not like it was particularly hard to be a good person.

The group stayed and talked until the party died down. This made it easier for Hermione to return to her room, using the tunnels this time. Hermione left the boys in a fouler mood than she came in. She kept wondering what was so different about her. Draco and Theo could treat her like a human, but most other girls were seen as sex objects. The same thing happened with Ron and Harry. The boys couldn’t even talk to other girls without becoming beet red until the third year. It never really bothered her until she developed a small crush on Ron, but nevertheless. Why was Hermione seen differently from all other girls? Of course, her brain was wracking with all the reasons why it was wrong and sexist to see most girls as romantic or sexual interests just for the sheer fact they were girls, but one small part of her brain was thinking the exact opposite. Was she not good enough? Why couldn’t boys see her as a girl too? Why did Draco look at her and see a friend, when he saw most others as  _ more _ . A shameful part of her  _ wanted _ to be seen as sexual; it wanted for her friends to treat her like a romantic and sexual interest. 

The insecurities started creeping in as her thoughts became louder. Maybe it was her body. Maybe it were her clothes. Maybe it was her face. Maybe it was everything about her. A tear slipped from her eye. Did Draco lie when he told her there was nothing wrong with her? Was he just trying to spare her feelings? Maybe he just wanted her to shut up because she was annoying him. 

Soon enough Hermione was climbing the stairs to her dormitory in tears, frantically trying to wipe them all away. All the movement made her face redder. Eventually the wiping turned into scratching turned into pulling her hair. But when she finally reached her room, the sight in front of her was so shocking it made her halt all movement. There were two figures in Ginny's bed and they weren’t exactly sleeping. Hermione knew it wasn’t Michael. The kid was scrawny and whoever was on top of Ginny was anything but that. Hermione silently cast a Lumos, finally getting the attention of the pair who didn’t even notice her coming in. Now that she could see the other figure clearer, Hermione was even more shocked. Her mouth dropped into an O. 

“Hermione!” A shirtless Harry said as he was pulling on his pants. “I thought you’d be spending the night with your mystery guy.”

Ginny swiftly pulled Hermione inside the room and closed the door behind her. She cast a silencing spell on the room too. “Hermione, please don’t tell Ron. Or anyone!”

Hermione didn’t know what to say, so she decided to start with the obvious. “What about Michael?!”

“I’m only with him to make Harry jealous.” Ginny explained.

“Am? You’re  _ still _ with him?!” Hermione was shocked at the utter disregard for Ginny’s boyfriend. The fool was hopelessly in love with Ginny and definitely didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

“I didn’t plan to cheat! I’ll break up with him next time I see him, okay?” A panicked Ginny tried to calm down Hermione.

“‘Mione, are you alright?” Harry finally spoke up with worry on his face. He finally got his clothes on and took a good look at Hermione. Her bloodshot eyes and tearstained face didn’t escape him. “Did that guy try anything? Did he do anything to you?!”

“Oh god, Hermione.” Ginny muttered as she finally noticed Hermione’s distraught appearance. The girl led her friend to sit down on the bed. Harry made his way to them and pulled Hermione into a side hug.

“What happened, Hermione?” Harry asked, releasing her from the hug and turning her to him. He carefully wiped one last streaming tear with his thumb as he cupped her face. Ginny rubbed circles on her back.

“Nothing happened, there is no guy.” Hermione shrugged both her friends off.

“Bullshit. This isn’t the first time you’ve snuck out.” Ginny replied. Hermione knew what Ginny was referring to: her late night runs. She wouldn’t believe her if she told her that that was it, though.

“Forget about it, okay? I won’t pry about your little love affair, and you don’t pry about my life.” Hermione stated as she got up and went over to her own bed, leaving the invisibility cloak behind on Ginny’s bed. “Now if you don’t mind I’d like to go to sleep. Take the cloak and go shag in the Prefects bathroom instead.”

Ginny was about to reply, but Harry stopped her. Very little people understood Hermione the way Harry did. The girl still confused him at times, but he had known her long enough to know that right now she just needed some time and space. If she really wanted to talk about it, she’d tell him herself. Prying wouldn’t do anything. Still, part of him was very concerned for her.

Harry said a quick goodbye to Ginny and left the room. Their rendezvous was a spur of the moment thing, and after Hermione’s little outburst, it was clear it was not the time to continue what they started. Ginny took Harry’s advice and decided to stay silent too. Maybe Hermione would open up to her in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started writing chapter 22 and I think I'm nearing the end of this fic, but not the story. I'm thinking of making this into a series, but idk if that's overkill. I'll decide when I finish the story. I think there'll be around 25 chapters. Also I should warn you that I LOVE slow burn romances and I hate happy endings... so beware lol  
> Thanks for reading <333


	20. S.L.U.T.

Hermione woke up extra early to avoid Ginny the next morning. She quickly changed and packed her bag, then headed to the Common Room. She figured she could get a bit of reading in before heading for classes. She decided not to go to breakfast today. She had no intention of facing Harry or Ginny any time soon. It wouldn’t seem too suspicious either, so it was a perfect opportunity for Hermione to skip a meal.

After a few more students had awoken and headed for breakfast, Hermione closed her book and slipped out of the common room before any of her friends could come down to force her to go to breakfast. She was walking down the stairs, on her way to sit in the courtyard when she (regrettably) stumbled into Theo.

“Hey there, Granger. Breakfast’s that way.” He pointed in the opposite direction.

“I already ate.” Hermione lied.

“Don’t give me that crap.” Theo joked as he pulled her with him towards the Great Hall. “Breakfast only started 5 minutes ago.” After the amount of lies she had to tell to get away with shit Harry and Ron pulled her into over the years, you’d think Hermione would be a better liar. She  _ was _ a better liar, but lately everything that came out of her mouth was half-assed. Hermione cursed herself for it.

She and Theo indulged in some small talk before they finally reached the hall and parted ways. When Hermione neared her usual spot at the Gryffindor table she groaned. There was no way she could face Harry today, and the only other seat available was next to Lavender and Ron. Hermione swallowed her pride before taking a seat next to the girl.

“So, Hermione,” Lavender started. Hermione was already getting a headache. “I heard that Theodore Nott is taking you to the Easter dance.”

“You heard right.” Hermione grit through her teeth, praying this was the end of the conversation. Ron and Harry’s head both popped up, ears peeking in interest. Harry never really liked the Nott kid, but after the state Hermione came back to her room in last night, he was angry and needed a face to direct his fury at. Was Nott the guy who Hermione met last night?

“The dance isn’t for a few months. You could still find someone else to take you.” Lavender said with a fake smile.

“And why on earth would I do that?”

“Hermione, don’t be naive. It’s Theodore Nott. You know what he does to girls. He probably asked you because he thinks you’re easy to bed. You don’t want to prove him right.”

“We’re going as friends. Just friends.” To say that Hermione was furious would be an understatement, but she desperately wanted to retain her composure and not freak out.

“Do you seriously believe that?” Lavender snarled. Ron was eating at a slower pace, anticipating the inevitable blow out that was bound to happen. Harry shot Ron a frantic glance, trying to get the boy to get his girlfriend under control.

“You realize I’m not some stupid bimbo right? I have a say in who I decide to bed or not!”

“I’m just warning you. I know you don’t have much experience with boys so you could be easily manipulated into something you’ll end up regretting.” Ron tugged on Lavender’s elbow as she said this, but she shrugged him off.

“That’s so rich coming from you, since you’ve fucked half of Hogwarts.” Before Lavender had a chance to further the conversation, Hermione stormed out of the Great Hall. She really didn’t believe in slutshaming and she felt a little bad about it, but her guilt was washed out by her anger.

At least Lavender got Hermione out of breakfast. Draco watched Hermione intently as she stormed out of the Hall. He thought he saw tears form in her eyes. He debated running after her, but decided against it. Instead he set out to find out why she ran off. He nudged Blaise in his side and nodded his head to Hermione’s now empty seat. He saw Lavender scolding Ron and Harry watching the fight escalate with wide eyes.  _ Fucking Brown again _ he cursed to himself. He never particularly liked the girl, but after seeing first hand how her words affected Hermione, he started loathing her.

By the time the first period started everybody had caught wind of the rumors. Draco finally understood what Hermione was so upset about. Theo found it comical, not being aware how much grief people were giving Hermione for supposedly sleeping with him. Lavender wasn’t the only one who slut shamed her for something she didn’t even do. Many girls snarked at Hermione with dirty insults over the day. She didn’t make it through the second period. Hermione ran off to the Prefects bathroom and cried there until lunch started. She knew the bathroom would start filling up with girls soon, so she quickly left the place. She couldn’t face anyone right now, so lunch in the Great Hall was off the table, so was the Gryffindor common room. Hermione settled for the courtyard once again. There were always a few people there. No doubt some would shoot her judgemental looks, but it would be less there than anywhere else.

Hermione had her nose buried in a book, pretending to be consumed in the story, ignoring everyone around her.

“Have you heard? Apparently we’re engaged.” Theo joked as he slid into the seat next to Hermione.

“It’s not funny.” Hermione scowled angrily as she slammed her book shut. Draco and Blaise took a seat on the bench too. Draco, as usual, handed her a sandwich. She didn’t thank him for it this time. “You don’t even know what it's like for me; all the absolutely horrid things people have been saying to me all day.”

“I’m sorry, ‘Mione.” Theo said softly. “I didn’t know.”

“Of course you don’t know! You’re a guy. It’s different for girls. You get a pat on the back, but I get called a slutty mudblood. Or a dirty whore. Or worse! But since you have a dick you don’t get that. You humor all those rumors and it all comes back to bite  _ me _ in the ass!” Hermione’s voiced crack with hurt and anger. She knew it wasn’t Theo’s fault, but she felt horrible the whole day, even worse than usual. She couldn’t help but burst out.

“I know, I know. It’s not fair at all. You don’t deserve this. I promise I’ll hex anyone who says a thing about it, okay? And I’ll set everyone straight about it. You’ll be back to virgin Mary status in no time.” Theo offered a small smile and a side hug. 

“I have a virgin Mary status?” Hermione rested her head on his shoulder and chuckled. “That’s hilarious.” She muttered. Draco’s head perked up, Blaise watched his friend’s reaction intently, and Theo turned to face Hermione.

“Damn, Granger.” Theo had a playful grin on his slightly confused face as the realization finally hit him. 

“What? Just because I have amazing academic achievements I can’t have a sex life?” Hermione snarked at him with a cocked brow.

“No, of course not! Stop twisting my words.” Theo defended.

“I think what Theo means is that it’s surprising, that’s all. There’s nothing wrong about it.” Blaise chipped in.

“It shouldn’t be surprising. Surprise stimulates stigma. Besides, virginity is a social construct meant to oppress women. What I choose to do or not to do with my body is my own damn choice and nobody else gets to have an opinion on it. It’s unbelievable. If I’m a virgin I'm a prude, if I’m not, I’m a slut” Hermione ranted. Draco watched her with intensity as she spoke. He loved it when she spoke on subjects she was passionate about. You could see a fiery storm flicker in her eyes. He could listen to her rave all day and never get tired of it. Though, he was getting kind of irritated about the subject of the discussion, but wouldn’t dare out it in fear of Hermione’s wrath that might follow. “But I suppose it’s not your fault you grew up in a sexist society that embeds subtle misogyny in every aspect of life.”

“You’re right, Hermione. ” Theo was about to reply, but was interrupted by Draco.

“Was it Krum?” Draco inquired, staying silent up until this moment. Part of him knew the answer, but he craved the confirmation.

“Is it your business?”” Hermione retorted.

“Just answer the damn question, Granger. Did you or did you not fuck Viktor Krum?” Draco said it harsher than intended, his anger seeping through his not-give-a-fuck façade. Hermione did not care for his tone at all so she ignored him. Draco took her silence as a bad sign and could’ve sworn his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He didn’t like the idea that Hermione cared enough for other men enough to sleep with them. “Did you fuck someone else? How many guys?” 

Hermione huffed in anger and shook her head. Why did he suddenly have an interest in her sexual history? And the way he phrased his questions made Hermione uncomfortable. She mistook his jealousy as judgement, but had no intent of indulging in his questions. Hermione swiftly gathered her things and turned to Theo before leaving. “Nott, if you want to keep your balls on your body you best find a way to stop the rumors.” She left the table, with the uneaten sandwich still lying there, burning a hole in her head.

After Hermione was out of sight Blaise turned to Draco with a serious look on his face. “Draco, that was way out of line.”

“I know.” Hermione was not the kind of girl you wanted to be on bad terms with. Draco was going to have to find a way to apologize without revealing why he acted so dickishly. Truthfully, it’s not that he didn’t understand why he was so angry, it’s that he chose not to understand.

Denial was a funny thing. For Draco it was a coping mechanism; it protected him from the harsh realities of his life. For years he chose to deny that his homelife wasn’t normal. At first, he honestly didn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary. One day when he was still a little boy he was over at a friends house, Denny Lovegrace. Their mothers were old friends so it was only natural that their kids would be around each other. Denny broke a vase while playing with Draco. The vase was an old antique passed down family from family. Although magic fixed the vase, its worth was permanently stilted. Denny’s mom saw it happen. She angrily scolded the child. After she was done, Denny went back to playing with Draco like nothing happened. Here’s where Draco made his mistake. Whenever Draco acted out and guests were around, his father would publicly scold him and later that day when everyone left, he gave Draco a beating. Draco just assumed Denny awaited a strong punishment later that night and offered him some advice. Denny was confused and brushed the subject off. Draco didn’t know exactly what happened, but after that day he never saw Denny again and his mother lost her best friend. His father was livid. That night Draco learned that family matters stay private. How could he forget? He couldn’t get out of bed for 3 days after.

Still, Draco refused to acknowledge that his father was different from other fathers. Part of him knew, but he hated the thought that he was a  _ victim _ . He was a Malfoy. Malfoy’s were wizarding royalty. Many would think he was lucky to be born in such a family of status and wealth. But he wasn’t lucky. And nobody would ever know.

Now the situation was different, but the denial was all the same. Draco didn’t want to like Hermione. They were from 2 different worlds. Draco could only hurt her. He spent years doing it already, it was in his nature. If his father ever found out he’d probably kill her, and Draco soon after. Draco would hurt her even if he didn’t want to. He couldn’t have feelings for her, but somehow he did. A small part of him knew there was something special about her since the moment they met. That same part of him knew he cared for her long before today. But today he finally admitted it to himself. His jealousy was quite apparent. He didn’t like the idea of Hermione being with other men, because he wanted him to be one of those men. He wanted her to be his, but she could never know. It would only hurt her in the end. 

Still, Draco needed to find a way to apologize to her. Once again he had hurt her, and once again the guilt was eating him alive. The boy hatched a plan. He worked his Slytherin charm and found out Hannah Abbott was on Prefect duty with Hermione tonight. Hannah, in her Hufflepuff glory, switched duties with him. He told her he needed the sleep for his Quidditch game on Saturday so she agreed to take duty on Friday. Draco told her he’d inform Hermione, which he didn’t of course, thinking she wouldn’t show up if he did.

That night Draco waited for Hermione near the Great Hall. It was 5 minutes past when they were going to meet. Normally, Draco wouldn’t worry at all, but Hermione was known for always being punctual. He feared she got wind of him being on Prefect duty with her and ditched him, before he heard her voice approach from behind him. “Hannah, I’m so sorry. I lost track-” When she finally saw it was Draco and not Hannah, the sorry on her face transformed into shock.

“I switched duty days with Abbott.” Draco explained. 

Hermione angrily rolled her eyes and brushed past him, intent on starting rounds to finish them earlier. “If you’re here to judge-”

“I’m not!” Draco quickened his pace to match hers. It wasn’t exactly fast, but it was fast enough apparently to garner Hermione to breathe a lot harder. “I’m here to apologize.”

“I’m listening.” Hermione pursed her lips.

“I was out of line. It’s none of my business who you fuck or not.” Hermione shook her head at Draco’s crass wording. “I wasn’t judging you, I promise. I was just curious.”

“What? Why?”

“Well, we’re friends, right? I just wanted to know who it was in case I needed to beat someone up for you. Men are pigs, you know.” Draco explained.

“That they are.” Hermione muttered. She found Draco’s protectiveness endearing, but it was uncalled for. She knew how to handle herself. “I appreciate your worry, Draco, but I don’t need a knight in shining armour.”

“I know. I just can’t help it.” Just like that, it was all forgotten. The two were back to laughing and teasingly bickering each other, only interrupted by a small commotion. Draco and Hermione rushed to where they heard the ruckus.

“I told you already, Potter…” Potter? Was Harry out of his room? What was he doing there? Who was there with him? All these thoughts were rushing through both Hermione’s and Draco’s heads as they neared the voices. The sight that they saw wasn’t all too pleasing. Harry had Theo backed up against the wall, not that Theo was actually cowering. The two boys were about the same height and Theo was standing just as threateningly as Harry. Both had their wands out.

“Harry! Theo!” Hermione yelled out, making her presence known.

“Hermione,” Theo said slowly. “Please tell this immature git I never hurt you.”

“What? Of course you didn’t!” Hermione was even more confused now. “Harry back away from Theo. And for the love of Merlin drop your wands, both of you!”

“What on earth is going on here?” Draco demanded.

“This blithering idiot comes out of nowhere-!” Theo started, but was interrupted by Harry.

“You hurt her! I don’t know exactly what you did but she was a wreck-”

“Shut up!” Hermione yelled. She couldn’t understand a word that was being said. “I need to understand what the fuck happened here and I can’t do that with you two speaking over each other the whole time. Theo, you go first. What happened?” 

“Potter accused me of hurting you with no evidence whatsoever. He was threatening to hurt me back, while I, because I’m an adult who can use words instead of violence, tried to explain that whatever rumor he heard about-”

“It wasn’t a fucking rumor! I saw myself-” Harry began again.

“Potter, calm the fuck down before I hex you into oblivion.” Draco snarled, his bias already taking Theo’s side.

“Harry, Theo never hurt me, okay? I don’t know how these rumors got so out of control-” Hermione started. She figured the same as Theo: someone started a rumor about Theo hurting Hermione in some way. After all, they’d been the talk of the day. Hermione just didn’t understand why Harry didn’t ask her what was true or not, instead of believing silly rumors.

“Hermione, it wasn’t a damn rumor. I know better than to give into gossip! Yesterday when you came back to your room you were a wreck. ‘Mione, you never cry, but yesterday you were sobbing, basically wailing. And then this morning suddenly you’re going to the dance with  _ him _ , so you had to have seen Theo yesterday when you snuck out. And you wouldn’t tell me nor Ginny a thing about what happened, and you always tell me everything-” Harry was raging, but it was all out of concern for his friend. It was a nice gesture, but Hermione couldn’t appreciate it. He was airing out her dirty laundry. Draco and Theo didn’t know how her night ended and she felt embarrassed about Harry’s revelation.

“So what? You decided to go beat Theo up? I told you nothing happened and I told you to let it go, because nothing did happen! Even if it did, I don’t owe you an explanation. If I want to handle shit myself, then for fucks sake let me.” Hermione told him furiously. “And for the record, I don’t tell you everything, because  _ I can’t _ ! This is exactly why. Harry, how do you expect me to tell you shit when this is your reaction to something you know nothing about?”

“Hermione-” Harry tried, obvious regret now splashed over his face.

“No! I don’t want to hear another word. 10 points off Gryffindor. Now go to your room!” Hermione ordered. Harry hesitated for a moment but Hermione shot him a death glare that finally made me leave. Then she turned to Theo. “Theo, I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault.” Theo said softly. “What did he mean when he said you came back crying?”

“It’s nothing, really. He’s overreacting. You should go back to your room, too.”

“Granger, you don’t just cry over nothing.” Draco spoke up with a slightly firmer voice than Theo’s.

“If you must know, I’m on my period. All the hormones make me cry sometimes.” Hermione knew this lie would shut them up. Boys always got awkward around the topic of menstrual cycles. Though, Hermione couldn’t remember when the last time she even got her period was. She couldn’t even remember what it was like.

“Oh…” Theo shifted awkwardly. “Alright, then. Um I’ll see you two tomorrow. And Hermione? Don’t be too pissed at Potter. If I saw you as distraught as he described, I’d do worse than just corner and threaten a bloke.” Theo was annoyed with Potter, but he couldn’t help but feel a respect for his protectiveness for Hermione. Hermione shot him one last smile before he left.

“I suppose we should finish rounds, then.” Hermione said after an awkward silence between her and Draco. Draco agreed and the pair went on to the other floors. Hermione’s pace was noticeably slower. When they got to the last floor Hermione was barely lifting her legs. She was out of breath and kept almost tripping.

“Granger, you okay?” Draco asked after Hermione almost fell down a flight of stairs. He caught her and pulled her to him. She swayed slightly in his arms as he steadied her.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little off balance.” Hermione brushed off, out of breath.

“Granger,” Draco said firmly as he moved her out of the way of the stairs so she wouldn’t be in danger of falling. “When was the last time you ate?” Hermione didn’t answer him. She couldn’t even look at him. Draco took her hand and led her away, not telling her where they were going.

“What are you doing?”

“Shut up.” He mumbled. He took her to the kitchens. They were empty and locked. Hermione wanted to protest, but was too light headed to say anything. Draco flicked his wrist and the door into the kitchen opened. It looked more modern than Hermione would think. Usually, she’d feel anxious about all the rules she was breaking, but right now she could only feel anxiety about being around so much food. “Sit down.” He told her, pointing to a stool at the counter. 

Draco disappeared into the walk-in pantry. He figured there was no way she’d eat anything bulky. He got some bread, lettuce, and ham. Then he proceeded to cast a silent spell and made a sandwich. He brought it out of the pantry and placed it on a plate in front of Hermione. Hermione stared at the sandwich with an emotionless face while Draco pulled up another stool next to her.

“Draco…” Hermione whispered in a small voice.

“Why won’t you eat, Hermione?” He murmured as he placed a hand on hers. “Do you see what it’s doing to you? You can’t even stand up straight. Why would you do this to yourself?”

“Draco, I’m not doing any-” Hermione tried to deny.

“Cut the crap. You’re a smart girl. You have eyes. What’s going on?” Draco was alarmed at what he now saw clear as day. Of course he had noticed changes, but he never put them in a row and truly realized how bad everything was. Now that Hermione had almost passed out he couldn’t stay silent. If he hadn’t been there to catch her, she would’ve fallen down the stairs and been seriously injured, or even killed.

“Nothing’s going on,” Draco was about to start talking again, but Hermione beat him to it. “Draco, I’m serious. Nothing is going on. I have more friends now than ever before, I feel more at home here at Hogwarts than in previous years, everything’s fine at home, my academics are great; I am happy. Everything is fine.” Hermione was thinking rather frantically. All the words that were falling out of her mouth were true, but they felt like lies. Nothing was going on, nothing was wrong. Absolutely nothing. But it didn’t feel that way. How could she explain that? She couldn’t.

“Then eat.” Draco said. Hermione picked up the sandwich and took a bite. She could feel the food lose shape in her mouth. She could feel every chew readying the food for the swallow. She felt the bite go down her throat. She could’ve sworn she heard it plop down in her belly and move straight down to her thighs. It felt good, but so terrible too. It was horrible, but the long absence of food made this meal feel euphoric. Bite after bite she finished the sandwich. As soon as the last piece disappeared into her body, shame and humiliation set in. She hated that Draco had seen her eat. It made her feel vulnerable and self conscious. She hated that she didn’t do anything to deserve the food. She felt greedy and guilty. She wanted to cry and tell Draco she didn’t feel okay, that everything was wrong, but a voice in her head kept telling her ‘no’. It kept telling her to stay strong and composed for a few more minutes. Just until she was alone. Then she could be clean again.

“See? I’m fine.”

Draco cupped her cheek, making her make eye contact with him. He brushed a strand of hair off her face with his other hand. “Then why have you been like this? Your legs and wrists are practically sticks at this point, your face is sunken in, you have mood swings all the time, you never stop trembling, you’re always cold.” Having said it out loud it made him scared and angry. Why hadn’t her Gryffindor friends noticed anything? Sure, he hated them, but they obviously cared for Hermione. Why didn’t they care enough to notice? 

Hermione found it humorous that Draco didn’t even name half the things wrong with her. Her hair kept falling out of her head, but growing in heaps everywhere else. Her period had been gone for more than half a year now. She’s not as vigilant and rational as she used to be. She could never concentrate without the help of pills. She couldn’t sleep. The fact that she couldn’t recognize the person she had become.

“Draco, the truth is that I’m just so preoccupied with school, with friends, with avoiding people, with Voldemort,” Draco flinched at the name. “That sometimes I just simply forget. But I assure you, I am fine.”

“But you hesitated. When I handed you the sandwich. You hesitated before taking it.” Draco pushed. He wanted to believe her, he really did, but something just felt off.

Hermione’s laugh filled the large room. “Well excuse me, but a guy just watching you eat is kind of awkward. I mean who knows, maybe I eat like a pig.” This combined with Hermione’s soft smile seemed enough to convince Draco this was all just a huge misunderstanding.

“You definitely don’t eat like a pig.” He chuckled. “But you will be eating meals with me from now on, okay?”

Hermione snorted. “At the Slytherin table? No thanks, I don’t feel like getting poisoned.”

“I suppose you’re right.” He agreed. “Just lunch then.” Draco finally acknowledged that the two ate lunch together. It was kind of their thing. Hermione started eating out in the courtyard to get away from everyone, and Draco joined her one day and didn’t stop. Hermione thought he was a pest for it, because he always brought her food too, but it was sweet. And probably the only thing keeping her alive, as she never had time to purge after.

After that Draco walked Hermione back to the Gryffindor common rooms, as if something could’ve happened to her if he didn’t. Hermione gave Draco a small kiss on his cheek before disappearing behind the Fat lady. It was a small act of intimacy, but it was big for them. Draco was smiling like a giddy kid after. He liked Hermione Granger. No doubt about it.

Ginny was asleep in her bed when Hermione came into their shared room. They hadn’t really talked after Hermione caught her with Harry. Hermione went into their shared bathroom and turned the faucet on the highest stand before crouching down to the toilet and shoving two fingers down her throat. She tried her best to gag as silently as possible. Tears pricked her eyes. She never got used to the tear stains and the puffy face she got after throwing up. At least no one seemed to notice it; or well nobody said anything.

Hermione brushed her teeth and changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed. Her clock read 1:00. She tried to get some sleep but couldn’t get herself to fall into a dream. Sighing, she got up and opened up her Transfiguration school book and took an Adderall. Another sleepless night for Hermione.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing the last chapter, but I accidentally triggered myself while writing lmaoo. It's literally my own story and idea, but somehow I triggered a whole mental breakdown. It's traumatic, but also kinda funny. The fact that school starts tomorrow is also terrible for my mental health. The whole summer break I was dealing with my toxic household waiting for school to start, but now that it's starting I'm realizing that school is also hella toxic and bad for my mental health, especially since I don't have any classes with the only 2 friends I have at school. Usually, I'd start writing to get my mind off of everything, but since it literally made me have an episode I don't think that would be good for me lmao. I'm going to take a small break from this story, but don't worry I'll still be posting 'cause I have a few chapter finished already. Hopefully I can get my shit together and finish this.   
> Anyways, thanks for reading loves. Remember to take care of yourselves. I know this week might be stressful for a lot of people who are starting school again, and I know that some of you have sturggled with the topics mentioned in this story so I just wanted to wish you all luck. <3


	21. A little broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! Non graphic rape/non-con in the first paragraph.

Draco had his fair share of sexual adventures. Physically, of course he liked it. But emotionally he was never satisfied. He tried so hard, over and over, but nothing could erase the pain. His first time he spent crying. He was just thirteen, barely a teenager. His father decided it was time he became a man. Lucius probably thought it was the nicest thing he’d ever done for Draco. He called Draco into his room where a woman wearing skimpy clothing was standing. “She’s for you, son. Time you became a man.” He said and proceeded to leave the room. Draco was scared. He didn’t want to do anything. He was too young to be having sex. The woman led him to the bed and started undressing him. He tried to tell her he wasn’t ready, but she shushed him. “It’ll feel good.” she said. Draco cried, and she kissed his tears away. When it was over his father shared a drink with him, congratulating him for being a man.

When all of Draco’s friends started being hormonal boys, Draco wanted to be like them. He tried so hard, bedding girl after girl. It garnered him quite the reputation with the female population at Hogwarts. He wasn’t proud of it, but he just wanted to be okay. Try to fix what was wrong with him. It never worked.

Draco was lying awake in his bed. Today he had a Quidditch game against Ravenclaw. He missed booze. He couldn’t sleep, he always seemed to wake up in sweats. The night terrors came less frequently than they used to, even without the help of alcohol. Maybe he had Hermione to thank for that. But when they did come, they were horrible. He craved the numbness he got from drinking.

After a cold shower Draco headed for the Quidditch field. He was the first one there. He decided to run a few tracks. Soon enough more and more people joined in. The Slytherin team was first one on the field. Ravenclaw came later. Draco shot their captain a smug look of victory. 

Soon enough students started showing up in the stands, all wearing colours of the team they supported. Draco looked out and saw Ron and Harry wearing blue with other Gryffindors. Hermione wasn’t found next to them. It could’ve been because she was still angry with Harry, but she never liked Quidditch anyways.

Draco went back into the locker rooms with his team where they changed into their gear and he gave a speech, being the captain and all. His team went out on the field and rose into the air. Draco glanced once more around the stands. There were a lot of blue scarves; most houses were prejudiced against Slytherin. Amongst the crowd of green, Draco noticed one bright red scarf, though. A Gryffindor wearing her own colours, declaring she was neutral. Upon close inspection, Draco realized it was Hermione who was standing with Theo and Daphne. Hermione noticed he was looking right at her. She smiled and lifted her scarf, so he could see she was wearing a green tie. Draco wondered where she’d gotten a Slytherin green tie. Nevertheless, the gesture of support made him overjoyed, even if it was hidden under a chunk of red fabric. There was something about Hermione wearing  _ his _ colour that made his heart beat a bit faster. He felt energized and motivated to stick it to the Ravenclaws.

The game started. Immediately Draco noticed the snitch. It was almost right in front of him, as if mocking the boy. Of course it wouldn’t be as easy as just grabbing it, it flew right out of his grasp. Draco went after it. Cho paid close attention to the boy and noticed how close he was to the snitch. Both seekers flew after it.

Hermione watched in suspense from the stands. She used to always come to Gryffindor Quidditch games, and rarely came when her house wasn’t playing. Truth be told, she never and still doesn’t care for the sport. It was highly dangerous and often resulted in serious injuries. Still, she always came to support Harry and Ron, or well, to look out for them. If God forbid anything would ever happen to either of them and she wasn’t there, she’d never forgive herself.

This past year however, she rarely came to any games, Gryffindor included. She wasn’t planning on coming today either. She didn’t know what possessed her. This morning she woke up early and went for a run. As she passed by the Quidditch field, she saw Draco running laps. She realized she hadn’t seen him play once this year. A guilt washed over her. Friends came to support each other, and she never did so, while Draco had been an amazing friend to her lately. Unlike Harry and Ron, he never even asked her to come to his games, because he knew she hated it and her anxiety always went through the roof, watching her fellow students put themselves into potentially lethal positions. It was a small observation of his that Hermione appreciated dearly. 

Today she had decided to get over it for once and come support her Slytherin friends, as Blaise was playing too. Hermione was going to Transfigure her scarf into a green one, or ask if Theo had a spare, when she came up with a brilliant idea. She thought it would mean more if she wore Draco’s scarf. She knew for a fact he had them personally altered to show the Malfoy crest. Hermione waited for most of the students to leave before taking the tunnels to Draco’s room. On the way there she once again started thinking about what would happen when she showed up at the game. Harry and Ron would probably be pissed that she showed up to Draco’s game, even though she hasn’t shown up for their games in forever. Other people would judge her for supporting the Slytherin house, even though she wasn’t supporting the house, but her friends. Her house, even though they’re dubbed as ‘loyal’, would ostracize her for a couple weeks, as Slytherin was their biggest rival.

Hermione did not have the time to deal with all the drama and gossip. She had enough on her plate. She was already in Draco’s room when she decided she couldn’t make a public show of support. It was one thing eating lunch with Slytherins, it was a whole other to actively support them. Right as she was going to leave, her eyes skimmed over to a tie hanging on Draco’s chair. Hermione grinned and picked it up before heading to Theo and Blaise’s room, where she picked up Theo so they could walk to the field together. Usually she’d sit with her Gryffindor friends in their stand, but today, since they weren’t playing, Harry and Ron would be present. Hermione was still much too angry with Harry to see him, so she decided to go with Theo. She wore her red Gryffindor scarf over the tie. Because they sat amongst Slytherins, all wearing bright green, she stood out. She hoped Draco and Blaise could see her.

Hermione really tried to concentrate on the game, but it bore her too much. She was more concerned with everyone’s safety than the actual concept of Quidditch. It’s not that Hermione hated sports; she wasn’t that much of a stereotype. She always enjoyed playing football with her cousins, and she was in the field hockey little leagues as a kid too. Her father loved baseball so they’d watch games together on the TV all the time. Hermione could really appreciate a sport, but not when they put one in serious danger every single game. She didn’t care for boxing, or helicopter skiing. She hated car racing. Quidditch was also on the list of sports she’d rather avoid. Especially since people she cared for were involved.

She saw Draco immediately spot the Snitch, going after it in lighting speed. Cho followed after them, catching up in seconds. Hermione always thought the Snitch should have some kind of magical safety limits. At the speed it flew and the constant switch in direction, it made it very difficult as well as dangerous for the seekers. After a particularly sharp turn, Cho almost lost balance and Draco visibly gripped his wand tighter and not-so-smoothly flew by Cho. Draco didn’t worry about it, but Hermione suddenly gripped Theo’s arm in anticipation for whatever injury was coming. 

“Draco knows what he’s doing, Hermione. Don’t worry.” Theo whispered.

“Everybody always knows what they’re doing until they don’t” Hermiont grit out through her teeth.

“Okay, well could you at least let blood circulate my arm? I think I can’t feel my hands anymore.” This gained a small laugh from Hermione.

Hermione’s brief lapse in attention caused confusion for what happened next. Suddenly a commotion started around her. The people in front of her all exclaimed and shot up from their seats, making it impossible for Hermione to see what was going on. 

“What happened? I can’t see!” Hermione yelled to Theo who was also trying to see through the crowd. He was a lot taller than Hermione so he did it with ease. Theo didn’t answer Hermione, instead she saw his eyes fill with alarm and panic. “Theo, what happened?!”

“Come on, we should go.” He said as he grabbed her by the arm and pulled her through the shocked spectators.

“Fucking Cho can’t even play right…” “Is he moving?” “She totally grabbed his broom.” “She cobbed his nose!” Hermione heard a bunch of voices commenting on whatever happened. She got brief glances through the people onto the field. The game stopped. No one was playing anymore, but the players were still in the sky. She spotted Blaise flying towards the ground, but couldn’t see a platinum blond head of hair amongst the players. Hermione couldn’t hear Lee Jordan saying anything anymore.

“Theo! What the fuck did you see?” Hermione demanded as they rushed down the stairs.

“I don’t know what I saw.” He still didn’t let go of his grip on Hermione’s arm as he practically dragged her down. Hermione had trouble not tripping over her feet.

“Theo, please!”

“I think Draco fell.” He revealed. Hermione didn’t reply to that and allowed herself to be dragged to the field. She was too terrified to say anything. After they reached the bottom of the stairs Theo finally let go of her arm. Hermione felt like she had no control over her body. She wanted to scream and cry and run over to Draco’s limp body, but she couldn’t move; all she could do was stare as Madam Hooch made her way over to him. Blaise and Theo were standing over him. Hermione watched as he got carried away off the field, a few of his Slytherin friends followed after him to the hospital wing.

Hermione couldn’t hear Lee telling the students the game was canceled. She couldn’t hear Dumbledore telling students to return to their common rooms. She didn’t notice Ron appearing beside her and ushering her off the field. His mouth was moving but she didn’t make out the words.

She found herself coming back to reality when she was in the common room with a blanket wrapped around her. Ginny shoved a cup of tea in her hands. Hermione didn’t even notice she sipped on it until the piping hot liquid pierced a pain on her tongue. She continued drinking the scolding liquid, now focusing on it stream down into her body. The tea scorched her throat. It warmed her from the inside. 

Finally, after she shrugged off the blanket, Hermione spoke up. “What happened out there?”

“Cho and Malfoy really went at it.” Ron said softly. He wasn’t always the most attentive friend, but he had his moments. He still didn’t like Malfoy, but to his dismay obviously Hermione cared for the boy. Ron had to be compassionate, especially since Harry was now not on speaking terms with Hermione. “He almost had the snitch when Cho popped up. There was a bit of cubbing and he lost balance.”

“He fell from that height?! Merlin.” As the realization that there was no way he was okay hit her, she felt an immense guilt. Why didn’t she go with Theo and Blaise? She had to be there for him. What if he was paralyzed? What if he was in a coma and would never wake up? What if he… died? Hermione got up and started heading for the exit. “I have to go see him.”

“Hermione, wait! I don’t think-” Ron stood up and grabbed Hermione by her elbow, but she shrugged out of his grasp.

“Ronald, I have no time for your childish rivalry! I’m going-”

“I was going to say maybe I should come with you.” He said with a supportive smile.

“That’d be great, Ron.” Hermione said in a small voice, her demeanor changing completely, appreciating Ron’s gesture. It showed real growth that he was willing to go with her. She didn’t even ask him to.

The pair walked down the many stairs towards the Hospital wing. With each step Hermione dreaded what was coming more and more. Part of her thought ‘no news was good news’, but it would all come crashing down in a few moments.

“He’ll be okay, ‘Mione. Malfoy’s too relentlessly stubborn to die.” Ron said as he grabbed Hermione’s hand and squeezed it.

“There are worse things than death.” Hermione stuttered out.

“Hermione, don’t think like that. Stay positive.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to be an optimist about this?”

Ron pulled Hermione into a bone crushing hug. It was almost suffocating, but it was exactly the reassurance Hermione needed. At first, she was stiff in his arms but soon relaxed into him. Although they were on good terms again, the pair weren’t as close as they used to be. Hermione had been distant from everyone lately, but Ron especially. The whole Lavender situation wasn’t helping their relationship either. But right now, in this moment, it was Hermione and Ron, in the way they used to be. “You’re Hermione Granger. You can do this.”

“Thanks, Ron.” After a long pause Hermione let go. “You’re a good friend.”

“I have my moments.” He laughed. The pair walked over to the hospital wing. Hermione saw Blaise, Theo, Crabbe and Goyle circled standing outside Pomfrey’s office.

“I got it from here. Thanks.” Hermione said a little distance away from the boys, knowing they wouldn’t be all too happy about seeing Ron. He gave her a quick hug and reassuring look before disappearing up the stairs again. Hermione approached the Slytherins. “How is he?”

“Pomfrey won’t let us in.” Blaise sighed as he ran his hands through his hair.

“What the fuck are  _ you _ doing here, mudblood?” Goyle sneered at her. The mudblood comments didn’t bother Hermione anymore, especially coming from the likes of Goyle, but she still always knew a witty retort, but right now was not the time nor place to get into it with Goyle.

“Greg, don’t fucking start right now.” Theo threatened with a low voice. Goyle backed down with a head shake and a frown on his face, but he understood that right now Hermione wasn’t the focus.

“Why won’t she let you in?” Hermione asked.

“She said he’s too weak for company; he needs rest or some bullshit like that.” Blaise muttered. This couldn’t mean anything good. Hermione was worried sick and bit on her thumbnail.

“We’re not doing him any good by standing around here doing nothing.” Hermione whispered, almost afraid of the boys’ reactions. She didn’t want to leave him either, but if they stayed any longer Pomfrey or McGonagall were bound to shoo them away.

“Well what the fuck do you suppose we do then?” Blaise snapped. Hermione had never heard or seen Blaise so angry. Of course she understood it was just worry, but it wasn’t like Blaise to raise his voice. Especially to her. “If you want to leave, leave! It seems to be your specialty today.” A pang of guilt stabbed Hermione’s chest. She was in some trance before and let herself be led away by her friends. She cursed herself; she should’ve stayed near him. It had almost been a whole hour since he fell and she was wrapped in blankets on a couch.

“I’m sorry. I’m here now.” Hermione said softly, pushing the guilt down. Right now she had to be there for Blaise and Theo. Sitting restless was doing nothing for them. It would only worry them more. They needed a distraction. “We should do something useful. Write his parents, figure out what happened, make Dumbledore investigate. Anything.”

Blaise clenched his jaw and closed his eyes. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, but he stayed silent. Theo gently placed his hand on Hermione’s shoulder. “She’s right. Crabbe, Goyle, go inform the Malfoy’s.” The two friends left together, heading for the Slytherin dormitory to write a letter. “Come on, Blaise. We might as well make ourselves useful.”

After a long pause Blaise opened his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yeah, let’s go get Chang expelled.”

Putting his mind on something else helped Blaise. Theo was rather level headed about the situation. He knew that since Draco didn’t die from the fall and since his injuries weren’t sufficient enough to be transferred to St. Mungos, he would be fine. Hermione reasoned with this but worried nonetheless. She was fidgeting the whole time they were in Dumbledore’s office, but didn’t really pay attention to what was being said. To Blaise’s disappointment, Cho wasn’t expelled. Hermione didn’t think she deserved to be expelled either. Quidditch is a game that always gets heated; it wasn’t the first time someone fell, and it wouldn’t be the last. Blaise was quite persistent, though. Cho got suspended from playing Quidditch for a month and then she’d come back on a probationary period.

“Sorry for snapping at you earlier.” Blaise apologized to Hermione while they were walking to the Slytherin dorms.

“It’s fine, Blaise. He’s your best friend. I get it.” Hermione reassured him with a soft squeeze in his shoulder.

“D’you want to come in for a drink? I’d imagine we all need one.” Theo offered as they approached the dungeons.

“No thanks, I’m good. I just want to go to sleep.” Hermione declined before giving both boys a kiss on the cheek and leaving.

Hermione walked through familiar halls back to the Gryffindor common room. She wrapped her arms around her chest, shivering slightly as she climbed the stairs. She was so overwhelmed with emotion. She’d been so focused on keeping Blaise from going bonkers, that she completely forgot about her own feelings. Everything was suddenly hitting her. Draco might very well have brain damage, or maybe an irreversible physical injury that would keep him from ever playing Quidditch again. Magic could do a lot of things, but Hermione knew it couldn’t perform miracles. 

Nervously biting her lip she entered the portrait and bolted straight to her room, ignoring her friends who were calling after her. She quickly made her way into the bathroom and turned on the shower. After undressing she grabbed her wand with tearful eyes. It was all too much. Even though it wasn’t her fault Draco got hurt, she felt immense guilt. Why was he stuck in the infirmary, but she was okay? Why was Draco the one to get hurt and not somebody else? It wasn’t fair to him. Of course she wasn’t making much sense in her state of delirium, but lately she rarely ever did. Using her wand she drew a line on her upper thigh. A large gash followed. She did it again on her other leg. And again on her arm. She kept going and going until there was barely any untouched skin left. Hermione dropped her wand and stepped into the shower, sobbing. The water ran red as it washed away the blood. Hermione expected it to turn clear after a few moments, but it didn’t. The red never stopped. She started feeling light headed and gripped the shower wall, trying to stand still waiting for the feeling to pass. Random fits of dizziness were not uncommon for her, but this one seemed to only grow worse. Blood. She was losing too much blood. The realization daunted on her. As quick as her body would allow her, she stepped out into the bathroom reaching for her wand. She had already started seeing dark spots, which made it rather difficult for her to focus enough to heal the large cuts on her body. They were deeper than usual. She was sure she’d need stitches for them in the Muggle world. Fortunately she managed to close the cuts that were bleeding heavily up, although they left nasty scars. Way larger and redder than usual. Hermione chalked it up to her shotty craft, but how well could she have done it when her hands wouldn’t stop shaking. She reached for a robe and quickly wrapped it around herself before sitting back down on the cold, bathroom floor, her legs not being able to hold her up any longer. The black dots grew larger as her vision blurred into nothingness.

Hermione woke up later with a dreadful headache. She heard water dripping. The realization hit her as she got up and turned off the faucet, which was streaming cold water now. Remnants of dizziness still plagued her, making it harder for her to steady her feet on the ground. After taking a few moments to catch her breath she finally dressed and exited the bathroom. Her room was empty. Hermione knew she had to eat and soon. If she didn’t she’d pass out. This time someone might find her. Dinner had already started, but she could still make it if she hurried up.

And she was right. Her friends watched on as she stuffed her plate full with food. It had been a while since she ate a normal sized meal, but now her binging was rivaling Ron’s.

“Someone’s got an appetite.” Ron joked, but it immediately halted Hermione’s fork from entering her mouth. She cleared her throat and gave him a small chuckle, setting down the fork. How could she just be eating like that? Especially since one of her closest friends was in the infirmary. Who knew if he could even eat? Guilt flooded her senses once again. 

Ron took notice of her abruptly stopping her meal. Harry shot him a stern look as he noticed Hermione stopping too. “I was just kidding, ‘Mione.”

“I know.” Hermione realized all eyes were on her. She cursed herself for not being subtle enough. Picking up her fork and knife seemed to be enough for her friends to resume the conversation. Hermione didn’t eat another bite that evening, though. She just played around with her food, shoving it to different sides of her plate. No one noticed.

After dinner everyone hung out in the common room. Hermione slipped out unnoticed to the boys’ dorms. Lately her absence from conversations was becoming a norm, even though just a year ago she was usually a heated participant in most after-dinner talks.

Hermione made her way to Harry’s side of the room and got the invisibility cloak from where she saw he kept it last time she asked for it. She could’ve just asked him for the cloak but didn’t want a repeat of what happened the previous time she lent it. It was easier to avoid all the drama by just taking it. She’d put it back after she was done visiting Draco.

As soon as Ginny fell asleep, Hermione snuck out of her room wrapped in the cloak. She still felt dirty from dinner, but decided to brush those thoughts aside for another time. Right now she needed to be there for Draco, and stop being so selfish. She’d deal with her weakness at supper later. It killed her to know Draco was down in the Infirmary, completely alone and hurting. She just wished Pomfrey would let her visit him so she didn’t have to resort to breaking the rules again.

Hermione entered the Infirmary. It was completely empty, except for one single cot. Madam Promfrey was nowhere in sight either. Nearing the cot, Hermione gasped at the state Draco was in. The colour was drained from his face. He was lying shirtless on the brittle mattress. His arm was wrapped in gauze and his whole upper body was covered in dark bruises. The sight made Hermione shiver. She quietly pulled up a chair and sat next to him, dropping the cloak to the side of the chair. Her hand crept up to his as she gave it a small squeeze. It was a lot larger than hers but she held onto it tightly regardless. 

Despite the pained state Draco’s body was in, he looked peaceful while he slept. Hermione hoped he was given Dreamless Sleep or a similar potion. The thought eased her mind. At least he couldn’t currently feel the pain he was in. Hopefully he was stuck in some euphoria.

Hermione clenched her eyes shut as a few tears filled with worry escaped her eyes. She brought Draco’s hand up to her mouth and kissed his knuckles. It was a small silly gesture. When Hermione was a child, her mother used to kiss her knuckles every time Hermione was upset (which generally wasn’t often), never her cheek, or her head, but her knuckles. Hermione always wondered why; It was a slightly odd place, but it always calmed her down nevertheless.

“If you keep this up, you’ll be as wrinkled as my late grandmother by the time you’re 20.” A raspy voice told her, snapping her out of her thoughts.

“Draco…” Hermione whispered, as she dropped their hand from her mouth, but still holding on tightly to Draco, as if he would disappear if she loosened her grip.

“I’m fine, Granger. Just a few bruises.”

“Your arm tells a different story.” Hermione retorted, gesturing the heavy bandages around Draco’s arm.

“Oh, that. It’s just a little broken.” Draco jokingly shrugged off.

“Don’t do that.”

“Do what?”

“Minimize what you’ve been through. You almost  _ died _ , Draco.” Hermione leaned closer onto Draco’s bed, elbows resting on the mattress while holding her head up. “You don’t have to act all tough and strong. Not around me, you don’t.”

Draco didn’t reply. Instead he lifted his broken arm shakily and tucked a stray piece of hair behind Hermione’s ear, then rested his hand on her cheek, thumb grazing her soft skin. After a moment of silence he finally spoke up. “Granger, I am in pain, but I’ve been through worse. Pomfrey gave me a bunch of potions. I’ll be back to my old self in 2 days, and I’ll be back on the field by the end of next week. Don’t worry, I’ll be okay.”

“I thought you were dead. You looked dead. The height you fell from… I have no idea how you’re even talking to me.” Hermione’s voice cracked at the last part and she took in a sharp breath, trying to halt herself from letting a sob escape. Thoughts of what could’ve happened to Draco flooded her mind. Before she knew it, she was hyperventilating. 

Even in Draco’s weekend state, he managed to pull the trembling girl onto the bed next to him. He wrapped his good arm around her and lay her head on his chest. “Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.” He said while he rubbed soothing circles into her back, occasionally getting his fingers caught in her hair.

Soon enough, Hermione’s breath evened out while listening to the comforting pace of his heart. “I always hated this place.” Draco said after a pregnant silence passed.

“Hogwarts?”

“No, I love Hogwarts. It’s like a home to me. I hated the infirmary.” This made sense to Hermione. She hated this place too. Spending so much time here while petrified was torture. All the time she was here visiting Harry while he was hurt left a sour taste in her mouth.

As if reading her mind, Draco explained further. “Not because of my injuries. After all, this is where I got healed. But because I spent most of my time here always listening to you lecturing Potter in how reckless he was and how dangerous Quidditch is. Then the Weasel would join you and congratulate Potter, which resulted in you lecturing both of them. You only stopped after they admitted to being idiots.”

Hermione’s laugh filled the infirmary as she thought back on the memories. “Yes, I can see how that could be annoying.”

“On the contrary. I wasn’t annoyed, I was jealous. You cared and worried so much about him. It made me feel alone, to be honest. I wanted to know what that would feel like.” Draco admitted.

  
Hermione shifted so she was lying on her stomach and able to look Draco in the eye. It was weird to see Draco so fragile and emotional. “Draco, that was then. It’s different now. You’re not alone. I care about you, and I never stop worrying about you.” Hermione broke their eye contact. “Sometimes it scares me how much I care.” She said it in such a small voice, it was barely audible.

“Hermione,” Draco whispered back. “Hermione, look at me.” He said in a louder tone. Her eyes fluttered up as she gazed at him through her long brown eyelashes. She was biting her bottom lip. In that moment, Draco didn’t think he’d ever seen a sight prettier than the one in front of him. Without another thought, he closed the distance between their lips, crashing his onto hers. His hand was lost in her curls. After a brief moment of shock, Hermione melted into Draco, deepening their kiss. It was passionate and filled with built up frustration, that was finally being satisfied after months of denial.

The kiss was inevitably broken when Hermione accidentally shifted her weight right onto the place where Draco had broken his arm, making him groan out in pain. “Shit, I’m sorry.” Hermione was about to sit up and move away, but Draco stopped her.

“Don’t be.” He rekindled their lips, but only for a single blissful moment, as he found Hermione pulling back.

“Draco, you should rest. You’ve been through hell, you have a thousand potions in your system, you’re in pain. You’re not thinking straight.” Insecurities crept back into Hermione’s mind. A guy like Draco wouldn’t like her that way. All the potions are making him do things he’ll regret. It was just a single fleeting moment. She would be naive to believe anything else.

“Hermione, wait don’t leave-.” Draco tried to stop her from leaving, but she had already disappeared. He silently cursed to himself. Obviously Hermione regretted kissing him. He shouldn’t have done it. She was vulnerable and he took advantage of the moment. 

Draco wondered if he just ruined their friendship before succumbing to a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally a Dramione moment!!! But y'all are going to absolutely hate me for what comes after... I started writing the last chapter this week :( it makes me sad just thinking about it, but I´ll be making this into a series!! So don't worry too much.


	22. Out of control

Draco spent 2 more nights in the infirmary before returning back to his room. Hermione didn’t come to visit after the first night, not that he blamed her. Obviously she thought their kiss was a mistake. Draco had no idea how he was going to fix this, but he desperately wanted to. He finally realized that he had grown attached to Hermione. He relied on her like nobody else. He needed her, even if it wasn’t in the way he wanted, even if they were just friends.

After 2 more days in his own bed, he was able to return to school. His injuries were much more severe than he let on to Hermione. He knew how she always worried, and didn’t want to give her more reason to. Along with his arm, 3 of his ribs were broken, one puncturing a lung. But it was nothing magic couldn’t easily fix.

Draco spent his lonely recovering time contemplating how to talk to Hermione. At first, he thought he could pass along a message through Blaise, but that turned out to be a bust, since no one had seen or heard from her since Saturday. Draco couldn’t exactly sneak into the Gryffindor dorms either, considering his state was much too weak. All his owls were left unanswered so the only option was to see her in class. But to his dismay, when he showed up for Potions on Wednesday, Hermione was noticeably absent. She wouldn’t dare miss Snape’s class. He would never let her forget it.

“She’s ill, professor.” Harry answered Snape after the latter inquired about Gryffindor Golden girl’s whereabouts. Draco wondered if her sudden illness had anything to do with him. It was killing him that she would go to such far lengths to avoid him. Hermione never missed class. Even when she was sick she’d show up and annoy everyone with her sniffles and sneezes (granted it was a cute sneeze).

When Hermione failed to show up to dinner, Draco couldn’t take it anymore. The suspense, the waiting. He decided he’d sneak into her room tonight to talk. The only problem in his plan was the she-weasel Hermione shared a room with. There was no chance she’d be with her boyfriends, Michael. Draco had heard Ginny broke up with him a little while back. Apparently Michael was just as surprised as everyone else to the abrupt end of his blossoming relationship with the youngest Weasley. 

Draco couldn’t wait another day to apologize. He could only hope that Ginny was just as a deep sleeper as her brother. As the thought pondered him, Draco found himself amused at how brutally whipped he was by Hermione. Draco never had juvenile crushes. He never went out of his way to please a girl. And he definitely never apologized, especially not to someone who was avoiding him. But something about Hermione made him different; something about her made him  _ want _ to be different. 

After curfew Draco waited a little while before sneaking down into his common room and entering the tunnels that would lead him to the Gryffindor common room. As he approached the exit he heard hushed voices coming from the other side. He silently cursed the Gryffindorks who were up past curfew. There was nothing else to do but wait until they finally decided to go to sleep. In the meantime, Draco decided to do his best to listen in on the conversation.

“Of course she’s sick! Why would she lie about it? And risk falling behind in school for it? Besides, have you seen her lately? She even looks sick.” a familiar voice was heard in hushed tones.

“I’m not denying she’s sick, Harry,” Potter was out past curfew? Was that a female voice joining him? “But it’s not the flu. She’s been looking pale and hollow-  _ sick _ for months. Something’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on. We’ve asked her countless-”

“She’s lying!”

“Hermione wouldn’t lie to me.” Draco finally connected the dots. The pair were talking about Hermione. “Ginny, I’ve been her best friend for years. I’d know if anything was  _ really _ wrong.”

“Well you’re not exactly the most attentive person, Harry. It took you 5 years to realize I liked you.” Potter and the she-weasel? Draco couldn’t say he was surprised, but he sure as hell didn’t like the thought of it. “And besides, the both of you aren’t exactly on the best terms right now.”

“Come on, Ginny. Don’t be like that. Let’s not fight over this. If something’s bothering Hermione she’ll tell us. Let’s just go to bed, okay?”

“Fine, but this conversation isn’t over yet.”

“Okay.” Harry finally sighed. Together the pair left for the room of requirement, but Draco didn’t know this. He hoped they’d gone to Harry’s dorm so he could talk to Hermione alone.

Carefully sneaking out of the tunnel hidden behind a wall decor, Draco headed for the Girls’ dorms. He cast a quick alohomora on Hermione’s room before entering. He saw her lying on her bed, covers wrapped snugly around her and reaching up to her neck. Her hair was spread out over her pillow, almost forming a halo. She looked so peaceful that Draco almost turned around and left, already feeling guilty before even having woken her up. He had to do this, Draco thought. No point in delaying.

Draco slowly creeped up to Hermione’s bed and gently shook her shoulder. Hermione’s brows furrowed as her hand popped out from under the covers, rubbing her eyes. Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at Draco, who was surprised she didn’t shoot up in alarm. Instead, she looked at him as if nothing was out of the ordinary, as if it was normal to wake up with him by her side. This peace did not last for long, as the realization that Draco was in  _ her _ room in the middle of the night finally hit her. Just as Draco had expected, Hermione sat up and wandlessly cast a lumos.

“Draco?!” She scream-whispered.

“Ginny’s not here. You can speak normally.”

“What the fuck are you doing here? Do have any idea what time-”

“How are you?” Draco interrupted, immediately causing a bewildered Hermione to close her mouth.

“H- How am  _ I _ ?” Hermione finally managed to stammer out after a pregnant pause. “You almost died and you’re asking me how  _ I’m _ doing?”

“You have never taken a sick day, let alone multiple.”

“I’m not invincible.” Oh how true that was.

“Well, how are you feeling?”

“It’s just the flu.” Hermione shrugged her shoulders while she lied. Part of her knew there was no use in lying. Draco knew she didn’t actually have the flu.

“You haven’t been down for meals.”

“Ginny brings me food.”

“And do you eat it?”

“Draco, why are you here?” Hermione desperately tried to change the subject, avoiding his question.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?” Hermione shot him a confused look while she nervously rubbed her fingers together.

“I’m sorry.” Draco repeated. “I shouldn’t have erm, kissed you. You were emotional and tired. I took advantage of that. I don’t want it to ruin our friendship, Hermione. Can we just forget about it? Will you stop avoiding me, please?”

Hermione felt her heart drop in her chest. She knew this was coming. She knew a guy like Draco would never go for her. She knew he’d regret it. She knew all of this and had spent the past few days obsessing over it. But part of her, a very small part of her, hoped that she was wrong. Now that small speck of hope had crushed her heart, but she could never let Draco know. It was embarrassing enough as it is. “Of course, Draco.” She told him with a soft smile.

The moment Draco left Hermione finally let her tears stream down her face. She quickly cast a silencing spell so she could let go of all the built up anger, frustration and hurt. Hermione hated being. She hated existing. She hated herself. She was screaming self deprecating insults at herself while she pressed her wand into her thighs again, cutting the porcelain skin open. With each cut her hate only grew. She was weak, and tired of being weak. No amount of sleep could remedy her exhaustion. Nothing but the ruby red liquid that streamed out of her skin.

Hermione woke up wrapped in dark brown stained sheets. The rich red turned into a stiff brown. Groaning, she reached for her wand and cast a ‘scourgify’ on her bed. Her legs were scarred with deep lashes she forgot to heal the night before. This would make it harder for her to heal them without much scarring. Hermione cursed herself when she saw the after effects of her weakness. She should’ve just healed them right away. Now she had thin, but noticeably pink lines covering her body.

Today would be different. She had to go back to school. Anxiety washed over her as she made the decision. Her teachers would definitely bombard her with questions and her friends would watch her all day.

Swallowing her thoughts, she got ready for the day. Taking 2 adderall pills before heading downstairs. She figured she would need the extra concentration today considering she missed so much school already. The pills had become a clutch for Hermione. She found that they made her hunger go away, so she took them when she knew she couldn’t hold on to fasting much longer. She was running through her stash of truly magical pills fast though, taking pills even when she didn’t need to study or stay up.

“Merlin, Hermione,” Harry whispered as he pulled the girl into his arms, startling her slightly. “I feel like I haven’t seen you for years.”

“Well I’m better now.” Hermione said, finally returning the hug. “I can go back to annoying you to the point you’ll wish I were sick again.”

“Doubt it.” Harry pulled back and looked her in the eyes. “‘Mione, I’m so sorry about-”

“Forgiven and forgotten, Harry.” Hermione replied with a soft smile. She was too tired to stay angry at him.

“Great. Let’s head on to breakfast then.”

At breakfast Hermione knew people were staring at her. She shuffled a few bites in, but the majority of her food was just being played with. In class, she tried her best to concentrate on what was being said, but her mind kept shifting from the discussed topics. Her professors let her get away with this, thinking it was just a ramification from her illness. Well, almost all her professors. Snape wouldn’t let her live it down. For the first time in years he called her on almost every question. Not only was she unable to answer them, but the one's she was sure she was right about were wrong. The taunting embarrassment made tears prickle her lower lash line, daring to drop any second. Hermione clenched her hands so hard to stop herself from crying she felt blood droplets form in her palms.

When lunch started Hermione rushed out to go get more Adderall, but bumped into Draco. “Courtyard’s that way, Granger.” He said with a smile. On the inside he was wondering where she was headed. They always had lunch together in the courtyard. He even had a sandwich ready for her. Was she still avoiding him?”

“Uhm- I forgot a book in my room. I’ll join you later, okay?” Hermione rushed by him without even waiting for his reaction. She needed to get her shit together and the only thing that would help her was in a small, orange bottle.

Rushing into her room, she threw her book bag on the floor and hurriedly rushed to her desk. Hermione was rummaging through her drawers with such alarm she barely even processed the bottle was on the table. Careless on her part, as Ginny could’ve taken notice if she entered the room before her. Hermione aggressively pulled the lid off the bottle and emptied the contents on her palm. 6 more tablets were left. Hermione took two immediately without water. Then her brain calculated that that wasn’t enough. She took 2 this morning, but they failed to do anything so she had to take more than two now. Her twisted logic was tainted by mania. She swallowed a third pill, before putting the last 3 back into the bottle.

On the way back to the courtyard Hermione ran into Neville, who she bombarded with a rambling about how perfect he was with Luna. Her sudden newfound energy left Neville dumbfounded. The boy didn’t even know the majority of Gryffindor and Ravenclaw were counting the minutes until the two finally paired up.

“Hermione,” Draco, who was utterly confused, interrupted her ramble. “Where have you been?”

“Oh sorry, Draco. It seems I completely lost track of time. You see, I was just informing Neville that he and Luna are so perfect together and everyone knows it. There’s nothing but empty sheets that are keeping them apart. Oh well, it seems I’ve talked long enough. I got to get to class. See you at patrol tonight!” Hermione was talking so fast she was almost stumbling over her words. It was hard for Draco to even understand what she was saying. Before he knew it, she rushed past him for the second time today.

Draco took this as a sign Hermione was still avoiding him. He felt guilty again, wanting to know a way to fix this. However, soon enough the guilt transformed into anger.  _ The _ Draco Malfoy practically begged for her forgiveness. He went out of his way to make it right, breaking the rules and risking getting caught, only for Hermione to go back to avoiding him? It was embarrassing enough he had developed feelings for her, but now she was disregarding him completely.

Blaise and Theo took note of Draco’s shitty mood and gave him some space for the rest of the day, careful not to trigger him more. He decided to ditch his last class and go for a swim. He hadn’t been to the lake since the night he almost drowned. Since the night Hermione saved him. He was so angry, and so hurt, even if he wouldn’t admit it aloud. 

Why did it have to be Hermione? The one girl his parents would never approve of. They wouldn’t be thrilled about a half-blood, but eventually they’d come around. Even if it were a different muggleborn. Sure, his parents wouldn’t approve obviously, but anyone was better than ‘Harry Potter’s mudblood’. It sure didn’t help that Hermione was trying to free the elves and always bested Draco in everything.

Hermione was the one girl he would never in a million years have a chance with. Not only was the whole world against them, but she’d be against them too. He should’ve known no amount of apologies would erase their history, the history he tainted. He treated her worse than anyone.

Draco had been running on false hope. Hope he didn’t even realise he had until it was crushed. They were friends because of Blaise and a stupid project. She would never have forgiven him otherwise. They were doomed before it even started.

By the time Draco had exited the water, his fingertips were all pruned up. The sun had already set. He must’ve missed dinner already, not that he really minded. Draco took the tunnels back to his room, where Theo and Blaise were waiting for him.

“What are you doing here?” Draco asked them.

“You missed dinner, grumpy.” Blaise said nodding to the plate of food on his desk. “A ‘thank you’ would suffice.”

“Shove off.”

“Who’s got your knickers in a knot?” Theo teased.

“Is it that time of the month again?” Blaise added with a snicker.

“I need a fucking drink.” Draco muttered. His friends stopped laughing immediately. A pregnant silence settled in the room. 

“Mate,” Blaise started. “Did your father owl you any news about…?” Blaise didn’t have to finish his sentence as both boys understood what he was referring to. Everyone knew there was a war on the horizon, and it didn’t take a genius to figure out what side the Malfoy’s were playing.

“No,” Draco barked back angrily, frustrated by the topic being brought up. Now he had even more on his mind than before, causing his heartbeat to spike. If his father could hear the erratic beat he’d scold Draco. Malfoy’s always keep cool and composed. “Just get out!”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Theo warily said. Before Draco had a chance to retort he quickly added: “We’ll stay outta your hair. We’ll just sit and… be, okay?”

“Just until you go for patrol.” Blaise said, trying to make the situation better.

“I don’t have patrol.” Draco lied. He had enough of Hermione for today, even if he had barely seen her. Surely, she can handle patrol on her own. It’s not like she needed help giving students detentions for snogging in empty classrooms.

  
  


Meanwhile, Hermione was wondering where Draco was. Her brain was going in a thousand directions. She was worried, she was frustrated, she was euphoric, she was falling apart. Her body was shaking, though it went unnoticed by the girl. She couldn’t keep still, pacing around the same circle over and over. The exhaustion was eating her up, but Hermione was much too buzzed to even notice. Spikes of energy pricked her every move. She didn’t even have control over her own actions. 

Hermione Granger was not in control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally updated 2 days in a row!! I was just really excited to post this, because I just finished the last chapter!! Well, it might not be the last, because I'm afraid it might be a bit confusing. Writing it, that's kind of what I wanted until the very last paragraph or two, but I don't know if they clear the whole situation up completely, so I might write one extra 'chapter' where I just clear shit up a bit, but it won't be as long as a normal one. I'll update this story very soon, because I feel like this chapter en chapter 23 go hand in hand.  
> BTW!! I have been wrecking my brain for a title to the second story of this series, but I have no idea what I want it to be, so if anyone has any ideas, pls pls pls let me know!  
> Thanks for reading, don't forget to review <333


	23. OD

“Where is he?!” A voice bellowed through the Slytherin common room, followed by so much commotion, Blaise, Theo and Draco startled awake.

“What the fuck was that?” Theo groaned as he rubbed his eyes. The boys transfigured beds for themselves in Draco’s room. They used to do this when they were in younger years. Together they’d stay up talking, like gossiping teenage girls. At a certain point they grew out of it, only doing so if one of them needed a room to themselves to get laid, but Blaise and Theo didn’t want to leave Draco alone yesterday. 

The pair never acknowledged Draco’s excessive substance use, they never acknowledged it was a problem. After all, they were teenagers. Alcoholism was something for the old  **(A/N I obviously don’t believe this, but this is a false notion that’s heavily pushed and widely believed. There is no age requirement to be an addict)** . They however did immediately notice when he stopped. The drastic changes in Draco’s demeanor were almost unsettling. Almost. The guys finally started recognizing the boy they befriended as mere children. 

“Will one of you go down and tell the first years to shut the fuck up?” Draco exclaimed into his pillow.

“You gotta come down here!” A fourth year Slytherin burst into Draco’s room. Normally, Draco would heavily reprimand a lower year for storming into his room like that, but the boy ran out before he got the chance to.

The door was left open, giving the group of friends a better listen of what exactly was going on downstairs.

“You filthy fucking snakes! He’s gonna fucking pay.”  _ Who was that? Obviously it wasn’t a Slytherin, nor a Hufflepuff. Ravenclaws were too rational to express their anger in such a manor. Gryffindor. _

“Who the fuck let a Gryffindork in?” Draco muttered, pulling a shirt over his head hastily. He was curious to see what had awoken him so early in the morning.

Draco was the first down the stairs, followed by Theo and Blaise. However, instead of being a spectator of the ruckus going on, Draco was met fist first to the face. Startled, Draco took a moment before being able to react, but was thrown into a wall before he could. Hearing his father’s voice ridiculing him in his head, Draco wouldn’t let his attacker hit him a third time. 

Blaise had his friends’ back, though and pulled the assailant away from Draco before the guy even had the chance to hit him a third time.

“Potter, what the fuck?!”

“She might fucking die, you foul, selfish, spineless piece of fuck!” Harry tried to wiggle out of Blaise’s tight grip, but failed to do so. Draco took this chance to punch the boy back, making him fall to the ground, Blaise letting him drop. No one even had the chance to process the words that were coming out of Harry’s mouth.

“Careful there, Potter. You do not want  _ me _ as-” Draco was hit by another strike. Suddenly, Lucius Malfoy’s face flashed across Harry’s face, which sent Draco into a manic state. He threw himself on top of Harry and started throwing punches like there was no tomorrow. Harry didn’t back down either, managing to kick the writhing Draco off him after the fourth punch, and grabbing his wand to hex him. Draco was quick on his feet and pulled his own wand out too, easily blocking every hex that was directed at him and throwing in a few of his own.

The boys went at it for a while until both their wands ripped out of their grips. “Enough!” Theo was the only one who assessed the situation logically. He was loyal to Draco and would follow him into war blindly (quite literally), but he also knew Harry must have a reason for this seemingly unprovoked outburst. He couldn’t exactly make out Harry’s words from before, but knew they sounded urgent. “Potter, what’s going on?!”

“Nott, you better give me my fucking wand back.” A furious Draco warned.

“Where the fuck were you, Malfoy?” Harry exclaimed.

“Excuse me-”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about! Did you have something better to do while Hermione was seizing on the stairs, huh? Were you out shagging some desperate slut while she was writhing in pain? While she couldn’t breathe?” These words made Draco’s blood run cold. His face remained emotionless, while the ability to think and talk left his body.  _ Was Hermione dead? _

“Harry, what happened!?” Blaise alarmingly questioned as he stepped in front of him.

“That’s what I’m here to find out. This dick doesn’t show up to patrol and the next day my best fucking friend is in a coma. She might fucking die. All because of  _ him! _ ” Harry spat, pointing at Malfoy. Blaise was quick on his feet and grabbed Harry’s wand out of Theo’s grip. He started pulling Potter to the exit, determined to get the full story on the way to their infirmary.

Right before they left the common room, Harry turned around once more. “If she dies I will  _ kill _ you with my own bare hands, Malfoy. And I’ll fucking enjoy it too. That’s not a threat, it’s a bloody promise.”

A nasty silence entered the room after Harry left. All Slytherins were watching Draco, who couldn’t wrap his head around what just happened. Theo was quick on his feat and ushered everyone out of the common room.

“Mate,” Theo put a hand on his stunned friend's shoulder after the two were alone.

“What in the bloody fuck just happened?” Draco whispered angrily, voice barely audible.

“Let’s go find out. Just change first.”

  
  
  


_ “She should’ve been back by now.” Harry muttered to Ginny while he played with her hair. _

_ “I’m sure she’s fine. Sometimes she goes to hang out with the Slyther shits after patrol. We can talk to her tomorrow.” Ginny reassured him, but Harry felt something was off. There was an uneasy feeling in the back of his head. Something wasn’t right. _

_ “I’ll go look for her. We should stop putting it off.”  _

_ Harry took his cloak and exited the Gryffindor common room. If Hermione was really hanging out with the Slytherins, she definitely wouldn’t appreciate him dragging her out of their common room. He wasn’t particularly happy about heading for the dungeons either. Maybe she wasn’t even there. Maybe there were just an unusual amount of teenagers hooking up in empty classrooms today. She was probably just busy handing out detentions. Harry tried to rationalize the situation to simmer down his worry. It almost worked until he caught a glimpse of frizzy, brown hair on the floor. He didn’t even realize it was hair until he got closer. When he finally rounded the corner he saw the body attached to the bush of hair. Hermione’s body. _

Blaise managed to remain level headed while he finally got Harry to tell him what happened to Hermione. He listened with a stone face, not uttering a single word. The boy stayed silent for a few moments after he was done too. “Where is she right now?” He finally spoke up.

“The infirmary. It’s all hands on deck. Madam Pomfrey, Snape and Dumbledore are working on her. No one’s allowed in.” Harry explained with a sigh, finally calming down and letting the gravity of the situation hit him. He steadied himself on the wall as he started feeling extremely lightheaded. “They’re transferring her to St. Mungo’s when her parents arrive and she’s hopefully stable enough to move.” 

Harry sunk down against the wall and rested his head on his knees, and fisted his hair through his fingers. Blaise followed suit. “She’ll be okay. She has to.” Blaise muttered, more to himself than Harry.

“It’s all my fault. Merlin, it was so obvious she wasn’t okay. All the signs were there and I just ignored them.” Harry’s voice cracked and silent tears began to flow.

“We all did. Nobody knew. You just wouldn’t expect something like this. Especially not from Hermione.”

“We should have! I mean who  _ would _ you expect this from? It’s not like there’s a guideline to being… sick.” Harry exclaimed as he pulled his head up and thumped it quite hard against the wall.

The Weasley’s weren’t doing much better than Harry. After the twins were informed they rushed to write a letter to Molly and Artuther, while Ginny sobbed on Hermione’s bed, comforted by Ron. “Shh, she’ll be okay, Gin.”

“You don’t know that! You don’t fucking know that, Ron.” Ginny stuttered out in between sobs. “I live with her! I spend so much time with her! I should’ve known. Part of me did. I knew something was off. I should’ve done better!” Ginny pounded on her brother’s chest out of pain and frustration. Ron let her.

Ron himself was at a battle. He felt so helpless. There was not a thing he could do. Everything was out of his control. All he could do was wallow on his own guilt, while trying to console his little sister. It killed him to see her like that. The look that Harry’s face wore after he found out was eating at him too. All the people around him were falling apart right before his eyes, leaving him with an impending feeling of self destruction and incompetence. 

  
  


The feeling Draco felt when he found out about Hermione was indescribable. Sometimes it was hard for him to feel anything at all, but right now he felt too much. His desk was split down the middle, his mattress was out of his bed, his wardrobe was on the floor.  _ It’s all my fault. _ Draco pulled at his roots. 

“Draco, stop!” Theo entered his room. Draco couldn’t hear a thing around him.  _ Hermione might die _ The window burst into pieces, sending glass all over the floor. Draco paced around the room, glass cut through his socks. “Mate, calm down.” Theo tried to grab Draco’s shoulder, but was sent flying across the room. This finally made Draco snap out of his trance.

“I can’t!” Draco screamed out and kicked his bed again. Then he dropped to the ground, tears releasing from his eyes for the first time in years.

“Drake,” Theo got up and rubbed his head. This wasn’t the first time Draco had been overly aggressive to him, but Theo understood that now was not the time to be angry with him. “I get it-”

“NO, YOU DON’T!” Draco yeled out so hard his veins were practically popping out of his neck. “This wasn’t some fucking accident! This could’ve been prevented. I could’ve stopped it!”

“Draco, Hermione was not in a good place mentally. This was inevitable, okay? Nobody-” Theo tried to reason softly.

“I knew! I fucking knew! I knew and I didn’t do anything.” Draco pounded his fist on his head. Theo had never seen his friend in such a manic place. “I should’ve been there! She was lying there, suffering, for  _ hours _ !”

“Draco-” Once again Theo was cut off.

“You don’t understand. You’ll never understand! This is  _ Hermione _ . Merlin, she’s the only one. It’s her. She’s-” Draco couldn’t finish his own sentence, cries stopping the words. Not that he had the words to describe how he felt about Hermione; what she meant to him. But Theo understood. He didn’t need to hear it aloud. He was surprised, yes, but there was no time for questions and judgement. Even though his own sanity was barely keeping together. Even though he himself was terribly worried for Hermione, he put his feelings aside and consoled his friend.

After a while Draco finally composed himself and shrugged Theo off his shoulder. “You still keep a bottle of Firewhiskey under your bed, yeah?”

Theo gulped, knowing what request was coming next. “Yes.”

“Get it.” Before Theo could protest, Draco shot him a look that could break him. His eyes were filled with pain, hurt and guilt. The little spark he used to have in his grey spheres was dimmed completely. Already regretting it, Theo got up and headed towards his room where a bottle of brown, bitter liquid awaited him.

  
  


Hermione used to think she was too smart to die. Her closest friends always seemed to find themselves in dangerously lethal situations. Sure, sometimes they dragged her into their mess too, but she was always the one who got them out. If she was going to die, she’d go of old age (but as an eleven year old she believed she could potentially find a way to be immortal). 

But now that she was actually dying (or what felt like it anyways), she didn’t feel so invincible anymore. She had no control over if she lived or died. It was all out of her hands, and in those of Madam Pomfrey, Snape and Dumbledore. Suddenly, Hermione was painfully aware of the situation she had gotten herself into. Suddenly, Hermione realized she had spent the better part of a year slowly killing herself. Suddenly, Hermione realized that in this moment, everything was black and white. She would either die tonight, or she’d live to see another day. But one thing was for sure: nothing would ever be the same.

Part of her, a small, shameful part, was so tired. Tired of fighting, tired of trying. She was exhausted of always being the best, but still never being good enough. She didn’t want to be so strong anymore. She wanted to let herself be weak, let herself let go, let herself be at peace. You either die a witch, or live long enough to see yourself become a muggle, and Hermione could not think of anything worse.

And then Harry’s distraught face popped into her mind. The sheer fear in his eyes while he carried her almost lifeless body to the infirmary. His voice screaming for Madam Pomfrey, screaming for someone to help her. The fact that he stayed up waiting for her. The fact that he was already worried, already sensing something was wrong. The care, the love.

Her mind flashed to Ron, and all the things she never said to him. He was always so insecure. Part of her felt responsible for this. She always called him stupid and lazy, jokingly of course, but still. She didn’t get to tell him about all the things that are lovable about him. All his quirks that made her fall for him in the second year. He deserved to know about his qualities and how truly amazing he was. Maybe he’d get the confidence to ask out someone worth his time, instead of settling for Lavender.

Ginny had always been a great friend to Hermione, even when the latter was complaining about Ron, her own flesh and blood. Ginny was always non biased and listened to what she had to say. She was the only female friend Hermione had. She could never get along well with other girls. This, Hermione regretted. She spent so much time trying to break gender roles, instead of just enjoying what she wanted, whether it was considered ‘boyish’ or ‘girlish’. She wished she wasn’t so judgemental. If she could go back and change it all, she would. She at least wanted the chance to.

Never in a million years did Hermione think she’d befriend two blokes like Blaise and Theo, but she was unbelievably happy she did. Hermione could honestly say her happiest memory was the Christmas she spent with them. She didn’t appreciate it enough at the time, but in hindsight, she never felt more loved and cared for than in that moment. Oh the things she would do to experience it once more.

Draco. When Hermione thought of him, she saw him in the water, face down. He wasn’t drowning when she found him, he wasn’t fighting for his life. He had already drowned. There was water in his lungs, he wasn’t breathing nor moving, but Hermione got him back. The sheer thought of her being even 5 minutes too late, still terrified her to this day. Even though that didn’t happen, even though it was months ago and she managed to save him, Hermione’s heart still jumped at the possibility of her stumbling on his cold,  _ dead _ body. The ‘what if’ haunted her. 

Hermione didn’t want to fulfill a ‘what if’ scenario. Hermione wanted to kid around with Harry once more. She wanted to scold Ron for starting his essay so late, before sending up writing half the essay for him. She wanted to hug Ginny and explain to her how much she truly meant to her. She wanted to properly thank Blaise and Theo for how great they’ve been. And Hermione would  _ die _ to be able to kiss Draco once more, without pulling away this time.

  
  


Hermione’s eyes fluttered open to see a worried Jean and Jim Granger grasping both her hands tightly. Hermione tried to speak, so she could tell them she was sorry, tell them she didn’t mean to let things get so far, but all that came out were broken sobs. Jean took the poor, trembling girl into her arms, while Hermione heard her father call for a nurse.

The tests and questions were a haze. Everything was fuzzy. Maybe Hermione was still feeling the after effects of the Adderall? She was dazed, confused, but tried her best to focus. She was in a large, white room. There were two beds next to hers, presumably for her parents. She saw a few cards and some flowers on a little table. Hermione smiled.

As she started snapping out of her high, Hermione realized she wasn’t at St. Mungos. This was a muggle hospital. There were machines all around her, and tubes attached to her arms. The discomfort caused Hermione to shiver. Surprisingly, she was quite squeamish. 

“Why am I here?” Hermione managed to croak out. Her voice was hoarse and barely audible. Her father immediately handed her a glass of water, which Hermione eagerly gulped down.

“You were at St. Mungo's first.” Jean started explaining, automatically understanding what Hermione meant. “But your father and I decided you’d recover better here. After all, we’re more familiar with this care and the wizard-doctors seemed confused over why you- why you were so... small.” Hearing her mother’s voice crack like that shattered Hermione’s heart. She took in more of her appearance: her eyes were hollow with dark circles surrounding them. Her whole usually youthful face was puffy and looked worn out. Hermione’s mother obviously hadn’t slept in so long.

“You haven’t been eating well, have you darling?” Jim continued for his wife. “Your mother and I, we’ve read about it. Anorexia Nervosa. Your doctors say there’s evidence you’re bulimic too. They found a few possibly self-inflicted scars on your body too. We’re so sorry, sweety. I know we haven’t always-”

“No, dad, stop. This isn’t your fault. None of it is anyone’s fault but mine.” Hermione interrupted, placing a hand on his. “I didn’t mean for it to come to this. I just-”

Hermione’s father clasped his fingers into hers and shot her a look, saying to let him finish. Hermione shut her mouth and let him continue. “They found drugs in your system. A lot of them, though usually not enough to overdose, but in your… state, it was. Honey, it’s- well you see-”

“You overdosed and have been in a coma for the past 3 weeks.” A voice bluntly finished something neither parent could really articulate. Hermione’s head shot to the doorway, where a woman in a neat, white coat was standing. Her black hair was slicked back into a low-bun. The woman had a badge on saying ‘Psych’. “Hello, Hermione. I’m Dr. Metsen. I would like to speak to you, if you’re feeling up to it.”

-

Dr. Metsen was a cold bitch. That’s the opinion Hermione formed over time anyways. She was always blunt and to the point, not something Hermione expected from a psychologist. While everyone else treated her like a fragile bunny who could snap at any moment, Dr. Metsen called her out on everything. It was really quite annoying at times, but secretly Hermione greatly appreciated it. The doctor was the only one who still treated Hermione like Hermione, and not like a glass vase.

After a month of intensive therapy and treatment, Hermione was finally allowed to receive mail. Harry, Ron and Ginny had written to her, but even they, her best friends, didn’t treat her like they used to. Hermione wasn’t surprised, of course. After all the trauma she put them through, it’d be more surprising if they treated her the same. She just wished they’d stop walking on eggshells around her. It made her feel left out.

Hermione couldn’t bring herself to write them back. What was she supposed to say? ‘Hey guys! Sorry for not speaking to you for so long. I was in a coma because my anxiety got so bad I developed an eating disorder and then got addicted and overdosed on pills! But don’t worry, the hardest part (healing), is still ahead!’ How was she supposed to say something that wasn’t completely insensitive. Especially when Harry was the one who found and carried her after she passed out on the floor. He had to see her with foam coming out of her mouth, eyes at the back of her head. The guilt Hermione felt was immeasurable.

Picking up a pen hurt even more because Hermione didn’t even know when she could see them again. She would most likely not return for the remainder of her fifth year. Dumbledore told her parents not to worry about school. There’d be a place waiting for her when she got the help she needed. He promised she wouldn’t even have to repeat the fifth year because her academics have proven to be extraordinary over the years. She can carry on with the sixth year once she gets out of this stupid treatment facility. But her parents weren’t even sure if they wanted to let her go back to Hogwarts. They didn’t understand her illness. They didn’t understand that no outside factors caused it. It was all her, not the wizarding world, not her friends, not Hogwarts.

Hermione just wished she could do it all over again. She wished she wasn’t stuck in this treatment center. Don’t get it wrong, Hermione  _ wanted _ to heal, she wanted to be okay again, but it was easier said than done. It didn’t take anything at all for her to fall down this rabitthole, but it was so draining to try and climb out. At first, she couldn’t even eat. She had a tube in her that fed her. It took awhile before she was back on solid foods. Not to mention the therapy twice a day, individual and group therapy. Hermione just didn’t feel like it was helping her. She had to keep this whole other world hidden. She couldn’t explain her problems. She couldn’t explain why she and Draco would never work. She couldn’t relate to the other girls. 

Once again, Hermione just felt utterly alone. But if she had to fight through this alone, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it, for now. I'm so so so stressed about posting this. I've never changed somany things in a chapter, but I just wanted things to be exactly the way I invisioned them. I've already started part 2, where there'll be a lot more Dramione. Promise.  
> I know it's not a happy endinge, but bear with me. It's coming. Part 2 will be a lot less focussed on mental health and a lot more focused on the Dramione tension. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading this story. If you're still interested in what happens next, may I suggest yousubscribe to this series so you'll be notified when the first chapter of the next part will be posted.
> 
> <3333

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So basically a quick rundown of this fic: Hermione and Draco both have mental health issues. Hermione will slowly develop a (unconventional) eating disorder, and Draco has a plethora of issues that will be slowly sifted through. I didn't got too deep into any of that in this first chapter so there's nothing graphic and I don't think I will be writing anything in great detail because I understand that it might be triggering. It's more about the thought process for me, but if you are sensetive I will put warning for acts in the notes.  
> Thanks for reading! Reviews are always appreciated. <33


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